On your 8th Birthday today

8 years go @ 0959hrs, you came into this world, into my arms...
I was broken hearted, in despair, lost and scared of... Our future, the unknowns, my divorce...

We had numerous friends supporting mommy... Godma Alexis was there at the hospital to welcome you together with mommy. Auntie Sibil fetched us back from the hospital... Auntie Karen and Melody brought tons of baby supplies to our temporary home... Ordered tingkat fot mommy to make sure that I was eating...

But I felt alone nonetheless. Because I was going to have to face the world on my own, jobless and having 2 very young babies depending on me. I wasn't even sure that I could survive on my own as I've never really been on my own before and all of a sudden, I had to make sure that not only must I survive, I have to protect both of you...

People used to ask mommy how did I get through those days... I have no idea. Everything was a blur. I think I focused on the small things everyday. The smallest of chores like feeding Jase and you, bathing both of you... Putting both of you to bed... While stressing about court attendances with no one to look after both of you... Little chores, little steps... Days passed by... Seeing both of you grow up is such a joy one can't help but trough on... Blessed with both Jase and you, mommy could only move forward... Doesn't matter how small each step was, I was nonetheless being pushed in a forward direction by both of you slowly but surely... Perhaps even without mommy realizing it...

My life seemed so depressing and difficult with the messy divorce but yet my life was filled with immeasurable amount of joy and happiness because of both of you... A part of me had probably chosen to numb my heart to block out the unpleasant and painful memories in order to survive but as a result I had also blocked out the most precious moments of both your growing up days...

There were few pictures... There were few excursions... I can't remember what days did Jase and you take your first steps... I can't remember when both of you did your first potty... As hard as I try now, I just can't remember much of those moments... Life was keeping me busy and 'busy' kept me alive... However 'busy' also made me forget to cherish and treasure the little precious moments. Those moments which is everything that I have to hold on to when it comes to you Charmaine...

Today is one of those days when everything is a little bit harder. I wish I remember those moments. I wish I could have focused more on you and Jase rather than worrying about money and survival... I wish I could have more time with you. I wish I could be singing you a 'Happy Birthday' song now and cutting the cake together with you. I wish to tell you that you make me feel like the luckiest mommy on earth... I wish to be reminding you to learn your spelling for tommorow. I wish to hug you. I wish to tell you I love you. I wish I could turn back time and perhaps do something different and perhaps you would still be right here with me... I wish you never had cancer... I wish you didn't have to suffer... I wish you are still alive...

Today is one of those days I can't seem to stop my tears running... And today I can't help but question why do I have to lose you? Why me?!! Why you?!?! Why us?!? Why is life so unfair?!? Why is it that of everything that I can afford to lose and can't be bothered with, I have to lose the only one of 2 persons I simply can't afford to lose. Why is life so hard? Why do we have to be apart? Why do I have to be in pain for the rest of my life? Why can't you be alive?!?

Oh my dearest princess...

Char char, I will always miss you. I will always love you. I will always carry the pain of losing you quietly in my heart until the day my heart stops beating too...

Happy 8th Birthday Char Char... We love you and miss you a lot... To the power of infinity.

Love,
Cyn mommy and Kor Kor Jase

Its the small things

Some of you might be concerned with how I am coping back in this city which holds so many precious memories of my little princess Char. 

Truth is I thought I would break down completely but I didn't. There were moments, split seconds when it felt like I was so close to breaking down but that complete meltdown just didn't happen. 

Many scenes replayed in my head. It's almost 2 years and yet it felt like just yesterday that I walked down the same path... The same hospital, the same playroom... Said hello to the same people... I can even visualize myself pushing that stroller with Char in it... Her many faces at many corners of RMDH...

The nurses remember too. They remember Charmaine Lim Fan Xi. They remember me - Charmaine's mom. Most couldn't recognize Jase immediately bc he has grown. Some nurses remember more things that I do. The cheerleading costume that Charmaine wore for 2010 Halloween...

Everyone ran to give us big warm hugs. Silent tears were shed. No words need to be said.

Love is all around.

I remember many things.

But most importantly, it's the small things that I remember most.

I remember how I was so stressed and walked around FAO Schwarz leaving Char and Jase with the volunteers playing. I knew that Char didn't like me out of sight but I just needed my breather. I walked back to a sobbing Char whom was crying her lungs out.

Indeed, all the big things, biggest decisions I made for us during our journey don't seem to count as much as the small things I did when I walk down memory lane now and reflect back...

I learn again...

It's truly the smaller, seemingly more insignificant actions that will actually leave the bigger imprints and probably make up the regrets when we look back...

Its the small things that matter. Don't overlook the insignificant everyday actions. They might just end up the very regrets you wished you had done it better...

Thank you for life's precious lessons, my love.

Always missing you.

Love,
Cyn mommy

I BACK JACK - From Singapore

I had refrained from posting about the loss of every precious child every time we lose one because my FB consists of many people not living in that world and I don't want friends to worry about me. 

There's 2 groups in my FB consisting of blogs or caring bridge pages that I follow daily. 

The Warrior Group and The Angels Group. 

I started with none on my Angels Group and over the years, I found myself moving one too many, and too often to the Angels Page. 

Today, the number of blogs on my Angels Group has far superseded the blogs in my Warrior Group.

Today, through tears, I have to move another blog over. 

The blogs seem like just nothing more than online journals that I read. But I grow with them and I learn from them. 

Each blog is the precious and yet painful reminder of these little heroes who never stopped fighting. And each has a name and a life that will be remembered for a long long time.

The journals represent the many kids whose precious lives were cut short by a disease that will have a cure in years to come. My biggest regret is we couldn't find that cure earlier. 

This is not a post to amplify life's sufferings and losses even though the pain of losing a child can never be disregarded. I am still in pain daily. 

But a dear friend gave me some wise words last.

"Pain is good. Being able to feel pain simply means you are alive. You don't want to lose the ability to feel pain. Depression is feeling nothingness. People suffering from depression inflict cuts or injuries on themselves not to end their lives but to feel something, even if its pain." 

For some time now, I had started to fear for my own sanity. I feel down, my heart yearns for my little girl. I started weeping silently again. Some sights with little girls Charmaine's age will make me tear instinctively. 

There are also some friends who started to worry for me. It got me anxious with myself. I even checked with my counsellor a couple of times and got her to promise me that she will let me know that I needed to seek more help if she felt I wasn't normal.

Hearing the words from my friend made me feel so relieved. I am normal. And while the hurt of losing my child is so darn painful that words can't even describe it... All these negative emotions are normal and expected from someone who has gone through traumatic experiences... 

Nevertheless, I digressed. 

I have been consciously trying to cope with my loss in the least negative way... It isn't always easy because the pain and yearning keep sneaking back. I know I won't ever stop feeling this hurt of losing my child and I don't think I will ever want to. Because I hurt for I have loved. For as long as I am alive, I will always love my baby girl and I will always ache for her. This life altering experience is here to stay whether I choose it or not... And my only option now is to learn to cope with it.

And one of which is to attract that positivity back into my life. 

And this brings me back to today's writing...

This is rather hard for me because everytime we lose another child, my first initial reaction is to feel nothing but absolute depression... I refused to look at it as a relief. The idea that a transition from a physical life to spiritual existence is pretty much a big joke to me. I simply refused to let any of those ideas enter my head. There's absolute no other perspective that I needed to learn from the loss of my own child or a child of another family... Nothing except pain. Nothing except that it's wrong. Nothing except that it's absurd and inhumane. It defies my entire life directions and principles. 

I understand that there is the other side of a coin but I refused to acknowledge it. It feels so wrong to me. 

Today is the first time ever I am attempting to look at the other side. 

Just because today this is how Jack Bartosz would have wanted it. 

I will always remember you for being all things positive, Jack. You taught me more than my teachers ever could. Please say hello to Charmaine for me. 

I BACK JACK. 

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/jackbartosz

Love,

Cyn mommy

Missing you, like every other day!

Char char, please make the rain go away! We have a planned trip to East Coast Park. Jase will be disappointed. Blow the rain clouds away pls! Do your magic! 

I think I dreamed of you last night! Can't rem anything but it's good to feel you so close to me again! Missing you more each day. I still wish all these is nothing but a horrible nightmare... 

What hurts most is losing your love physically... 

No more "I love you"s and no more hugs from you... 

No more smiles from you to cheer up my days... 

But, we will continue what you fought so hard to do - LIVE! 

And LIVE HAPPILY we will! 

10 steps backwards again

Hi everyone...

1 step forward, 10 steps backwards...
This is exactly what I am feeling right now...

I have not logged onto blogger to type properly in a long long time. Most of my previous entries in the last couple of months were copied and pasted from my facebook status...

In some ways, it is not necessarily a bad thing. If you recall, I usually write when I am depressed and upset. Hence, my absence might mean that I am coping...

However, I had been consciously avoiding the blog too. It scares me sometimes because I know that the moment I start writing, my tears will start overflowing and frankly, I don't exactly want to cry as much as you don't really want to see my cry.

And today, I decided that I am ready to blog again.

Which in turn only means one thing - I am so upset and depressed that I don't really care if I am going to cry non stop... Anyway, I cry even when I am not doing anything. Hence, why not right?

So much going on in my head now... where do I begin?

The last time I was this emotional, I took almost 2 months to regain my composure. And the last time wasn't even a result of my own child. It was a friend who lost her son. But the visits to ICU and just putting myself in that same situation somehow got the better of me and I was overwhelmed with that sense of loss. When the news of his passing came that morning, I quite simply just lost it there and then. I was all changed, ready to head out like I do on a normal weekday. But suddenly, I was just collapsed and burst out crying. Cries so loud I scared myself silly.

For the first time since Charmaine's passing, I grabbed the phone and called my counsellor voluntarily, asking for her to meet me that day. I was scared. It felt like an out of body experience. My body somehow didn't seem to belong to me because it wouldn't listen to my brain. I cried and cried, and as hard as I tried to stop myself from crying, I couldn't. My heart ached and I didn't understand why. Why was I crying? Why did I feel like it was much worse than the day when I lost my own child...

That was in February. And I found out later that I was re-living my own nightmare and that was what killed me then. I've learned my lesson and has followed doctor's and counsellor's orders that I am not to put myself in that situation again because I am not ready for it.

That was also the first time I learned that my journey of grieving was not going to be a linear straight line with me progressing and improving steadily. Instead, there will be troughs and peaks. Like a trade cycle, I will improve and regress... Get better and maybe be hit with another wave of heartache... Then I will have to start climbing again... A lifelong journey of ups and downs... all I can hope for is for the recovery to maybe become shorter as time passes by...

July...
I feared the coming of July for awhile now. They say mindset is everything... Maybe my own fears made my reality more painful. My own doing, so to speak.

Things seem to be alright until last Monday when once again, my emotions got the better of me. As prepared as I was for July to be tough, it is still unbelievably painful. And when the sadness comes, it comes on board with full brutal force, no warning at all. One moment I was reading a book, next moment, I found myself in a heap, crying and screaming on top of my lungs... I was truly glad that no one was home to see my outburst... Because that was the second time I behave like a psychotic woman, I wasn't as afraid and scared... I knew I would stop at some stage. I don't know if that was considered normal... but I guess I am starting to accept the fact that whether I like it or not, I cant exactly control or stop it.

It was beyond painful. My whole mind was filled with darkest dark thoughts. All I wanted to do was to escape. But where. I have nowhere to run to and I have another child dependant on me. I felt so useless... incredibly helpless and desperate... I wanted to lash out at someone, something... But what, who? The pain, the sense of loss, even the anger and frustration... My whole mind was a mangle mess of negative emotions probably enough to act as a nuke and I wouldn't be surprised if I had self imploded.

I tried to read... but I had already finished 5 books in less than 5 days and I couldn't concentrate against the depressed mind...

All that was going in my head was "She should be 7. My little girl would be 7. Primary 1." I pictured her in her school uniform... going to school with her brother. I tried to imagine her height... And even that image was marred by the ugly cancer... because even in my imagined world, she had a limp... a knee eaten by cancer...

My Charmaine... My princess... my sweet loving child... Where are you???

I know... I know I am going insane... I know I am behaving like an irrational human being... I know that nothing I do can bring her back... I know and I don't need anyone reminding me that!

I know... but it just hurts so bad...

I cant help it that my brain is wired in such a way. I cant numb my pain and I cant avoid the heartache too... I cant escape it and there's absolutely nothing I can do to remove it...

Or maybe there is... I don't know... Counselling, supplements, alternative healing...

I keep trying... And I would even say that I am doing a good job on good days...

On good days, its easier to pretend that my life is fine... Work, school, play and fun...

However, the bad days always manage to wriggle back into my life...
I will admit that I am defenseless against that giant.

My only coping mechanism against my bad days is to just let the bad days take charge... And I will just roll and tumble along until I hit a dead end...

It has been difficult... I know that I have no right to complain... compared to the kids going through chemotherapy, surgeries... my pain is insignificant...

I wish I could be the strong woman you assume me to be...
As strong as I am, my heart is not immune to my pain and my loss...

Only today do I realize that the first day I stepped into the world of cancer with my baby girl more than 3 years ago... it is a journey that will only end when I breath my last breathe. It didn't end with your battle, char... it merely became a different battle for mommy.

Someone out there is definitely fighting a much more tougher battle than me, with many others still on the journey that I once was on...

Life is all about perspectives... Always compare yourself to the man with a bigger load of crap in life and one should feel better... Today, I cant. Just today, let me wallow in self pity. Today, please let my perspective rule. Today, I don't want to fight the fight. I feel weak. I need to cry. I really need a break to literally tumble and crumble to pieces...

I don't like the ups and downs... but I honestly have no idea how to turn my life into a neutral linear line...

My dearest child, I don't feel you around me anymore... A part of me know that you have completed your journey, even in that other worldly heaven... but if there's any chance that you hear mommy... I need you now more than ever... please give me a kick in the butt or something... help me... I am at my wits end... running out of ideas baby...

I love you. I always do and I always will.


Love,

Cyn mommy