A very painful July
Thursday, June 28, 2012
July is gonna be so difficult. So hard to believe that last year I was standing at your birthday party wishing aloud that you would be around to celebrate your 7th birthday with us all.
And now, all I have are just memories... Memories that I can't touch, smell, hold or feel...
I can shed a million tears but nothing will change the fact that I no longer can see your smiles or receive hugs from you.
It's as though you have never existed...
Life is a mystery.
Love is... Unexplainable.
I love you.
And I love you.
Let life cycles be true ad come back to me.
For without you, love is nothing.
Happy 8th Birthday Jase
Monday, May 21, 2012
Dear All,
Today is 20th May 2012.
8 years ago on this day, I gave birth to my first child Jase. And barely 14months later, I gave birth to second child, Charmaine. Both my children came into this world under extremely different circumstances. Jase came into this world with much joy, anticipation and lots of loving. Charmaine, on the other hand, came into this world with me in tears, anxiety and fears.
Lately, I've been thinking. Especially during days when I miss my little princess so much. I can't help but wonder if I have brought her ill-fated destiny, wrought with so much suffering and pain, upon her, right even before she was in my embrace.
For 2 months in my womb while she was still depending on me to provide her with the best nutrients and happy emotions... I was not eating and I was crying almost every single day... I even contemplated the thought of ending my life. But I couldn't because Jase is innocent and my unborn child didnt deserve to have her life taken away before she had even seen and lived it.
Even back then, Charmaine was my strongest support. Jase kept me distracted but Char kept me moving forward. Yes, I suspect I am in that guilty, self-blaming phase. However, no matter how much I looked back, there was simply no possible sane way that I could have remained happy, cheerful, healthy or even sane during that last trimester. No matter how strong I was, I couldn't not be lost, depressed and dejected when my only support - my then husband decided to walk out of Jase, my unborn child and my life totally. Then I started to really hate my ex husband. Throughout the years, I have never really bothered to hate my ex husband because I refused to spend any energy or emotions on a person who doesn't give a damn about us. But yet, this past week, I really hated him. For what it's worth, I was totally oblivious to his adulterous lifestyle with my good pal anyway. Why couldn't he just treated me as the complete idiot I was and initiate the divorce or chase his noble goal of seeking his personal happiness after the birth of my innocent baby? It was only 2 more months...
In my desperate attempts to seek a deeper understanding and a connection with that spiritual world that is totally lost on me, I started to wonder if Charmaine's entire life was like a train on a derailed track doomed to end up in a terrible wreck right from the very beginning, way before she was even born. Just like butterfly effects. And I was a large part of the reason. Then I hated even myself.
In the past month, I have occasionally typed a few blog entries but I never got to finish them ever and somehow, I never found the heart to complete them either... They usually got so depressing that even I myself didn't feel like publishing them. The world doesn't need more any depressing news. More importantly, I felt that I would be doing my princess a great disservice by remembering her for all the wrong reasons. Char Char was hardly anything to do with tears, depression or sadness. She was larger than life. The epitome of courage, strength, hope, determination and infinite amount of love. And that is how she deserves to be imprinted onto the lives of ours. Nevertheless, try as I might, this grief will always be a part of my life.
I asked a friend of mine how the heck he even put up with my erratic mood swings. He said that my bubbly and positive nature always shine through even when I never noticed them. I laughed because I thought a depressed woman with a bubbly and cheerful nature is as close as one can get to having a lunatic for a friend, isn't it? Life is not all gloom and doom for me even though the grey skies always feel much closer than they should.
On some days, I feel better. On rare occasions, I even feel good. Sometimes, seeing a smiley face picture of Char opens my floodgates and I pine for her achingly. Other times, I look at her cheeky face and it puts a smile onto my face. I could almost feel her standing right in front of me, feel her warmth and happiness radiating around me. It almost feels like I have never lost her at all. On days like that, I can't help but smile at those so called 'words of comfort' I termed as bullshit, to be true. "I am not gone but I am just next door". Because of moments like that when I could almost feel a connection to Char my big girl, I try even harder to learn about that other world.
I keep trying.
2 social workers, 1 alternative therapist and daily consumption of my concoction of supplements (which I affectionately named as "happy pills" - Tryptophan, St John's Worts and Vitamin B. All natural supplements known to regulate a hormone that affects our emotions.). These are definitely not the solutions to seeking peace or reducing my pain. Losing someone we love dearly is an experience that we will all grow to cope with and live with. My coping mechanism, since Char's diagnosis has always been one of taking practical actions to deal with my challenge. As such, I kind of need to feel like I am taking an active role to cope instead of mulling around. Hence, I am always trying to cope in a better and more healthy way.
The good news is I have had some success with coping better. But those better days never seem to last beyond a couple of weeks and then I would find myself struggling to stay ahead of my grief once again. It takes a toil on my focus and determination because it is such a pain in the ass. Pardon my French. To feel like you are doing better for a few days and to be thrown back into the abyss of yearning for my loss and feel like I have made no progress right from the beginning sucks big time. I am at the point of not knowing if I should wish for an eternal sentence to remain in that abyss instead! Maybe, it is better to not feel such extreme emotions of progress and despair? Wrong I know... But nothing truly feels right without my little princess anyway...
Today is Jase's 8th Birthday. He will be having a little surprise birthday party at Explorer Kids. Speaking of Jase always makes me feel guilty. Guilty that I've neglected him for 3 years. Guilty that he has had to sacrifice for his little sister. Guilty that he can never have the happy and normal mother that most children will have. Guilty that I will always have a broken heart. Guilty that he has to learn loss and pain at such a young age when he should really be having the time of his life. Guilty that he will have to grow up alone without his sister whom he loves so much. When it comes to Jase, I will always feel guilty. He truly deserves better.
A lot of people tell me that I still have Jase and now I need to love him more because he is everything that I have now. Certainly, thats the factual reality. However, most people have no idea how much those words hurt me more than anything. I know everyone mean well... but sometimes, even the best intention do have have that best effect.
For the longest time, I have been beating myself up because I keep feeling guilty towards Jase and I keep feeling lousy that I could not be the mother that I was. I just couldn't do better because my heart is broken and it cannot be mended. I even felt like I am this horrible biased mother. Because Jase deserves the best and I am not even 'normal' so to speak, what best is there to speak of? All he gets is a mother who weeps every now and then when she misses her lost child. A mother who laughs with a tinge of tears. A mother who is going through the motions as best as she could.
Just last week, I met up with the second Neuroblastoma mother who spoke to me after Charmaine was diagnosed. She has a son who was battling relapsed neuroblastoma then. Her son is now in second remission and living each day going to school like any other child his age but suffering in pain daily...
We hardly have much time to catch up with each other but everytime we do, she is like this wise angel sent to make feel better. I confided in her about how lousy and terrible I feel towards Jase. The sense of guilt, the feeling that I don't it good enough... She just told me that she understood how I felt because she is facing the very same challenge as I with her older daughter. Even her older daughter felt that mommy is biased. Being the brave woman she is, she even had a heart to heart talk with her daughter, admitting and explaining how she loves her just as much but it will never be the same as her love for her ill son.
Hearing her words, I cried even harder. Because at that moment, even though we are 2 very different women, we could literally feel the pain, the guilt, and the sense of remorse as 2 different persons connected through cancer. For the first time, I felt understood even without me having to explain myself. She will always understand me because we have walked the same journey. Its a blessing and a curse. I found so much solace in her words, in her hugs and in her eyes. Hearing her words didnt provide a solution to my guilt but at least, I now know that I feel this way not because I am a bad, lousy and inadequate person but because of what I have gone through. And I just have to continue to try and figure out a way to feel better.
I often hear mothers telling me that they understand me because they are mothers. The truth is, you wont ever understand me unless you have walked my journey. And I will never wish upon any human being what I have gone through.
Another good wise old friend of mine is always sharing his neutral perspectives with me. I appreciated his words of wisdom and acknowledged the fact that sometimes I needed to know that my pain and my loss is nothing more than 'part and parcel of life'. Nonetheless, I think each life experience seems to produce a certain set of side effects, or rather challenges, unique to that experience while they all fall under the macro category of 'providing us with wisdom and maturity'.
The hardest part of this cancer journey with our child is more than just the lack of a cure or the eternal grieving over the loss of our child. Instead, it is how this entire experience plays with your mind. And that is the scariest thing to me. Especially someone such as me, who feels better having a practical problem to deal with. If a screw is loose, I could tighten it. But if it involves my mind, I couldnt simply just take my mind out and tighten the loose bolts! My mind goes through this constant battle of going from happy to sad, contentment to guilt, okay to not, cheerful to depressing, loving to yearning, present to past, anger to peace, future to memories, etc...
It is a minute to minute fight to stay sane.
Okay, maybe thats a little overboard. But believe me, it does feel that way sometimes!
On those really gloomy and doom days, I actually feel like my heart doesnt belong to me and my brain is not under my control. There are days where you keep telling yourself to wake up and feel happy but then your tears start flowing... and then you feel like you are some lunatic with serious issues up in the head! Then you try to self talk to your heart, brain and mind to feel better, negotiate with it... coax it with the phrase 'everything is part and parcel of life'...
Most of the times, after trying everything to no avail... then I just give up. I just allow the tears to flow, do what they have to do. Eat when its time for meals, sleep when its time to go to bed... Argh - it just keeps going on and on like this! Dammit - will I ever be able to live normally again? I dont know... Time will tell, right?
2 weeks ago, it was my first Mother's Day without Charmaine. Jase and I spent a couple of hours with Charmaine at the temple... I was a wreck, but a controlled wreck. Definition - I look OKAY on the outside. I have been polishing my 'act' pretty well lately. Unless I want to open up to you, you cant even guess that my heart is crying inside while I am smiling at you. Well, I guess a slightly more sensitive person will be able to read my face. But so what? I dont know how else to fit into the world while all I truly want to do during my gloomy days is to MULL! The thing is people expect you to move on, to carry on with life as the earth continues to spin daily. I guess thats not a bad idea because its either pretending to look okay and continue to 'live' or crying while 'living'. The thing is crying saps out too much energy.
Okay, time to sign off. I apologize if I have once again sounded like I am wallowing in self pity and ruining your day. Forgive me because its not my intention to do so. I cant help myself but pour out my emotions whenever I write...
The productive thing is after writing and crying, I honestly do feel better. Thank you for being my phantom listener, my little girl's loving supportor.
Dearest Char Char,
THANK YOU! It was drizzling while we were on our way to Bukit Timah Nature Reserve this morning. I started to worry if the rain was going ruin the hiking trip and spoil the fun for Kor Kor. Then I decided to ask you for a favour to blow all the rain clouds away!
Amazingly, the drizzle stopped and it was such an awesome day for the hike. We had so much fun! Because the drizzle stopped, even though I couldnt feel you, I know you were with us every step of the climb. I LOVE YOU. I still do and I always will. Kor Kor loves you too. He still speaks of you fondly, never changing.
To both Jase and me, you are always with us even though we cant see you. Watch over us and make sure you cast your fairy spell of happiness onto us. Promise me that we will meet again someday, because that is the only hope that keeps me going.
Love,
Cyn mommy
Today is 20th May 2012.
8 years ago on this day, I gave birth to my first child Jase. And barely 14months later, I gave birth to second child, Charmaine. Both my children came into this world under extremely different circumstances. Jase came into this world with much joy, anticipation and lots of loving. Charmaine, on the other hand, came into this world with me in tears, anxiety and fears.
Lately, I've been thinking. Especially during days when I miss my little princess so much. I can't help but wonder if I have brought her ill-fated destiny, wrought with so much suffering and pain, upon her, right even before she was in my embrace.
For 2 months in my womb while she was still depending on me to provide her with the best nutrients and happy emotions... I was not eating and I was crying almost every single day... I even contemplated the thought of ending my life. But I couldn't because Jase is innocent and my unborn child didnt deserve to have her life taken away before she had even seen and lived it.
Even back then, Charmaine was my strongest support. Jase kept me distracted but Char kept me moving forward. Yes, I suspect I am in that guilty, self-blaming phase. However, no matter how much I looked back, there was simply no possible sane way that I could have remained happy, cheerful, healthy or even sane during that last trimester. No matter how strong I was, I couldn't not be lost, depressed and dejected when my only support - my then husband decided to walk out of Jase, my unborn child and my life totally. Then I started to really hate my ex husband. Throughout the years, I have never really bothered to hate my ex husband because I refused to spend any energy or emotions on a person who doesn't give a damn about us. But yet, this past week, I really hated him. For what it's worth, I was totally oblivious to his adulterous lifestyle with my good pal anyway. Why couldn't he just treated me as the complete idiot I was and initiate the divorce or chase his noble goal of seeking his personal happiness after the birth of my innocent baby? It was only 2 more months...
In my desperate attempts to seek a deeper understanding and a connection with that spiritual world that is totally lost on me, I started to wonder if Charmaine's entire life was like a train on a derailed track doomed to end up in a terrible wreck right from the very beginning, way before she was even born. Just like butterfly effects. And I was a large part of the reason. Then I hated even myself.
In the past month, I have occasionally typed a few blog entries but I never got to finish them ever and somehow, I never found the heart to complete them either... They usually got so depressing that even I myself didn't feel like publishing them. The world doesn't need more any depressing news. More importantly, I felt that I would be doing my princess a great disservice by remembering her for all the wrong reasons. Char Char was hardly anything to do with tears, depression or sadness. She was larger than life. The epitome of courage, strength, hope, determination and infinite amount of love. And that is how she deserves to be imprinted onto the lives of ours. Nevertheless, try as I might, this grief will always be a part of my life.
I asked a friend of mine how the heck he even put up with my erratic mood swings. He said that my bubbly and positive nature always shine through even when I never noticed them. I laughed because I thought a depressed woman with a bubbly and cheerful nature is as close as one can get to having a lunatic for a friend, isn't it? Life is not all gloom and doom for me even though the grey skies always feel much closer than they should.
On some days, I feel better. On rare occasions, I even feel good. Sometimes, seeing a smiley face picture of Char opens my floodgates and I pine for her achingly. Other times, I look at her cheeky face and it puts a smile onto my face. I could almost feel her standing right in front of me, feel her warmth and happiness radiating around me. It almost feels like I have never lost her at all. On days like that, I can't help but smile at those so called 'words of comfort' I termed as bullshit, to be true. "I am not gone but I am just next door". Because of moments like that when I could almost feel a connection to Char my big girl, I try even harder to learn about that other world.
I keep trying.
2 social workers, 1 alternative therapist and daily consumption of my concoction of supplements (which I affectionately named as "happy pills" - Tryptophan, St John's Worts and Vitamin B. All natural supplements known to regulate a hormone that affects our emotions.). These are definitely not the solutions to seeking peace or reducing my pain. Losing someone we love dearly is an experience that we will all grow to cope with and live with. My coping mechanism, since Char's diagnosis has always been one of taking practical actions to deal with my challenge. As such, I kind of need to feel like I am taking an active role to cope instead of mulling around. Hence, I am always trying to cope in a better and more healthy way.
The good news is I have had some success with coping better. But those better days never seem to last beyond a couple of weeks and then I would find myself struggling to stay ahead of my grief once again. It takes a toil on my focus and determination because it is such a pain in the ass. Pardon my French. To feel like you are doing better for a few days and to be thrown back into the abyss of yearning for my loss and feel like I have made no progress right from the beginning sucks big time. I am at the point of not knowing if I should wish for an eternal sentence to remain in that abyss instead! Maybe, it is better to not feel such extreme emotions of progress and despair? Wrong I know... But nothing truly feels right without my little princess anyway...
Today is Jase's 8th Birthday. He will be having a little surprise birthday party at Explorer Kids. Speaking of Jase always makes me feel guilty. Guilty that I've neglected him for 3 years. Guilty that he has had to sacrifice for his little sister. Guilty that he can never have the happy and normal mother that most children will have. Guilty that I will always have a broken heart. Guilty that he has to learn loss and pain at such a young age when he should really be having the time of his life. Guilty that he will have to grow up alone without his sister whom he loves so much. When it comes to Jase, I will always feel guilty. He truly deserves better.
A lot of people tell me that I still have Jase and now I need to love him more because he is everything that I have now. Certainly, thats the factual reality. However, most people have no idea how much those words hurt me more than anything. I know everyone mean well... but sometimes, even the best intention do have have that best effect.
For the longest time, I have been beating myself up because I keep feeling guilty towards Jase and I keep feeling lousy that I could not be the mother that I was. I just couldn't do better because my heart is broken and it cannot be mended. I even felt like I am this horrible biased mother. Because Jase deserves the best and I am not even 'normal' so to speak, what best is there to speak of? All he gets is a mother who weeps every now and then when she misses her lost child. A mother who laughs with a tinge of tears. A mother who is going through the motions as best as she could.
Just last week, I met up with the second Neuroblastoma mother who spoke to me after Charmaine was diagnosed. She has a son who was battling relapsed neuroblastoma then. Her son is now in second remission and living each day going to school like any other child his age but suffering in pain daily...
We hardly have much time to catch up with each other but everytime we do, she is like this wise angel sent to make feel better. I confided in her about how lousy and terrible I feel towards Jase. The sense of guilt, the feeling that I don't it good enough... She just told me that she understood how I felt because she is facing the very same challenge as I with her older daughter. Even her older daughter felt that mommy is biased. Being the brave woman she is, she even had a heart to heart talk with her daughter, admitting and explaining how she loves her just as much but it will never be the same as her love for her ill son.
Hearing her words, I cried even harder. Because at that moment, even though we are 2 very different women, we could literally feel the pain, the guilt, and the sense of remorse as 2 different persons connected through cancer. For the first time, I felt understood even without me having to explain myself. She will always understand me because we have walked the same journey. Its a blessing and a curse. I found so much solace in her words, in her hugs and in her eyes. Hearing her words didnt provide a solution to my guilt but at least, I now know that I feel this way not because I am a bad, lousy and inadequate person but because of what I have gone through. And I just have to continue to try and figure out a way to feel better.
I often hear mothers telling me that they understand me because they are mothers. The truth is, you wont ever understand me unless you have walked my journey. And I will never wish upon any human being what I have gone through.
Another good wise old friend of mine is always sharing his neutral perspectives with me. I appreciated his words of wisdom and acknowledged the fact that sometimes I needed to know that my pain and my loss is nothing more than 'part and parcel of life'. Nonetheless, I think each life experience seems to produce a certain set of side effects, or rather challenges, unique to that experience while they all fall under the macro category of 'providing us with wisdom and maturity'.
The hardest part of this cancer journey with our child is more than just the lack of a cure or the eternal grieving over the loss of our child. Instead, it is how this entire experience plays with your mind. And that is the scariest thing to me. Especially someone such as me, who feels better having a practical problem to deal with. If a screw is loose, I could tighten it. But if it involves my mind, I couldnt simply just take my mind out and tighten the loose bolts! My mind goes through this constant battle of going from happy to sad, contentment to guilt, okay to not, cheerful to depressing, loving to yearning, present to past, anger to peace, future to memories, etc...
It is a minute to minute fight to stay sane.
Okay, maybe thats a little overboard. But believe me, it does feel that way sometimes!
On those really gloomy and doom days, I actually feel like my heart doesnt belong to me and my brain is not under my control. There are days where you keep telling yourself to wake up and feel happy but then your tears start flowing... and then you feel like you are some lunatic with serious issues up in the head! Then you try to self talk to your heart, brain and mind to feel better, negotiate with it... coax it with the phrase 'everything is part and parcel of life'...
Most of the times, after trying everything to no avail... then I just give up. I just allow the tears to flow, do what they have to do. Eat when its time for meals, sleep when its time to go to bed... Argh - it just keeps going on and on like this! Dammit - will I ever be able to live normally again? I dont know... Time will tell, right?
2 weeks ago, it was my first Mother's Day without Charmaine. Jase and I spent a couple of hours with Charmaine at the temple... I was a wreck, but a controlled wreck. Definition - I look OKAY on the outside. I have been polishing my 'act' pretty well lately. Unless I want to open up to you, you cant even guess that my heart is crying inside while I am smiling at you. Well, I guess a slightly more sensitive person will be able to read my face. But so what? I dont know how else to fit into the world while all I truly want to do during my gloomy days is to MULL! The thing is people expect you to move on, to carry on with life as the earth continues to spin daily. I guess thats not a bad idea because its either pretending to look okay and continue to 'live' or crying while 'living'. The thing is crying saps out too much energy.
Okay, time to sign off. I apologize if I have once again sounded like I am wallowing in self pity and ruining your day. Forgive me because its not my intention to do so. I cant help myself but pour out my emotions whenever I write...
The productive thing is after writing and crying, I honestly do feel better. Thank you for being my phantom listener, my little girl's loving supportor.
Dearest Char Char,
THANK YOU! It was drizzling while we were on our way to Bukit Timah Nature Reserve this morning. I started to worry if the rain was going ruin the hiking trip and spoil the fun for Kor Kor. Then I decided to ask you for a favour to blow all the rain clouds away!
Amazingly, the drizzle stopped and it was such an awesome day for the hike. We had so much fun! Because the drizzle stopped, even though I couldnt feel you, I know you were with us every step of the climb. I LOVE YOU. I still do and I always will. Kor Kor loves you too. He still speaks of you fondly, never changing.
To both Jase and me, you are always with us even though we cant see you. Watch over us and make sure you cast your fairy spell of happiness onto us. Promise me that we will meet again someday, because that is the only hope that keeps me going.
Love,
Cyn mommy
A beautiful dream of you smiling at me.
Monday, April 16, 2012
I dream of Char!!! I barely just dozed off for 20mins. And it was a dream in a dream. In my dream, my folks came in to wake up me up barely after I fallen asleep and I grumbled. Then I went back to sleep. And soon after, don't know why, I was roused up again and I said I was going to another house to sleep. Apparently my parents and I have 2 different house. I walked out at 3am and this family of 4 with 2 kids came chatting loudly. Kids were running across the road towards my parents house which I was in now. I realized that I had left my heels outside the main door so went to get and decided to look towards the direction of the family. Just behind the family, there SHE is!!! My baby girl Char! I know it's her because she smiled at me so happily. Doing a pose across the road with a right hand on her hip and left hand pointing upwards, with a smirk and mischievous face. I miss you my dearest child. She is wearing her green shirt we bought in NYC with a skirt and leggings. She has a laugh bird perched on her left shoulder. I kept calling and screaming to her that I miss her and I love her so much, clearly knowing in my dream that she is no longer here with me but I was happy. I just wanted to let her know as much as possible that I love her. She smile her biggest grin at me and before I know it, she floated upwards and she kept waving her left hand at me happily... she never stopped smiling and monkeying around and she looks so happy...
And it's 3:39am now... I woke up crying... Don't know if I was dreaming or I was simply too tired...
Not sure if it is merely me thinking of her subconsciously... Whatever it is, I got to see those smiles I miss so dearly...
It's been 6 months... Without my precious child.
I love you Charmaine.. How I wish we were meant to be together as a family for decades... How I long to hear your voice again... How I wish to be able to hold and hug you tightly... To hear you shout your "love you"s...
But it seems that you are meant to be somewhere else... You must be happy OKAY? Happier and so much more blissful than when you are with me...
And it's 3:39am now... I woke up crying... Don't know if I was dreaming or I was simply too tired...
Not sure if it is merely me thinking of her subconsciously... Whatever it is, I got to see those smiles I miss so dearly...
It's been 6 months... Without my precious child.
I love you Charmaine.. How I wish we were meant to be together as a family for decades... How I long to hear your voice again... How I wish to be able to hold and hug you tightly... To hear you shout your "love you"s...
But it seems that you are meant to be somewhere else... You must be happy OKAY? Happier and so much more blissful than when you are with me...
Video Memories of Charmaine
Monday, April 2, 2012
Dear readers,
Happy Monday!
We would like to share some videos taken last year with all of you who are still reading.
Please view it on a new youtube window as I do not know how to resize the width to fit into this blog post.
Godma Jolene
~
These videos were taken in June 2011. Uncle Christopher has kindly sponsored a few days stay at Festive Hotel as a reward for Charmaine for having undergone a major surgery in May 2011. It was also an advanced birthday gift for Charmaine.
~*"Interview" on the couch*~
Some of Little Charmaine's cute antics were captured in this video when she was supposedly watching tv. She did not know that she was being filmed.
Note: I do not know how to edit videos so I'm uploading the raw files as they are.
For some noteworthy moments, you may scroll to:
- 0:28
Some cute actions of Char
- 3:00
Godma Jolene and Uncle Charles disturbed Charmaine with some questions to add more sounds and actions into the video. Charmaine didn't actually know she was being filmed.
- 4:07
Uncle Charles revealed to Charmaine that he was afraid Charmaine wouldn't like him based on his looks and hear what she had to say. So cute!
~*Do you know who is the richest man in the world?*~
Some of Little Charmaine's cute antics were captured in this video when Uncle Charles was behind the camera "interviewing" her. He was asking her philosophical questions which she didn't quite understand even upon explaining. Both of us tried explaining to her in very simple terms and she still seemed lost. Nonetheless I find it very meaningful and worth sharing.
PS: Pardon Charle's command of English. He is Chinese/Hokkien educated. =P
~*Thank you Uncle Christopher*~
Those few days were one of her happiest moments. As you know, Charmaine simply loves Sentosa, Universal Studios and their roller coasters as well as the simulated beach pool at Hard Rock Hotel. Everything combined during that few days stay indeed made her one very happy girl despite all the pain she was suffering from. — at Hotel Michael Resort World Sentosa Island
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
These videos were taken on the night of 14 July 2011 which was Charmaine's actual birthday.
Godpa kh and Godma Jolene brought Cyn mommy and the kids to a very deserted place in Singapore to release their wishes into the sky. It was the first time the kids would be doing this and they did not quite know what to expect.
Charmaine was growing weaker by the week and I wanted her to experience a whole new way of making wishes which I was quite certain would bring her joy and hope.
~*Releasing Wish Lanterns on Charmaine's Birthday*~
Video description:
After a long time trying to get the "fuel" to light, we finally succeeded in releasing the green wish lantern into the sky.
"Make the wish come true please" uttered by Charmaine at 0:28 brought a little wrench in my heart whenever I watch this after she is gone.
~*What Charmaine Likes about the Wish Lanterns*~
Video description:
In this video, Cyn mommy was asking Charmaine what exactly she enjoyed about the whole wish lantern experience. She answered that it was mainly the drawing.
Charmaine was undoubtedly very tired even as she lay on her stroller and watch the lantern slowly disappear among the stars. Nonetheless we could all tell that she was really happy for that whole moment of seeing her lantern taking along her wishes with it.
Happy Monday!
We would like to share some videos taken last year with all of you who are still reading.
Please view it on a new youtube window as I do not know how to resize the width to fit into this blog post.
Godma Jolene
~
These videos were taken in June 2011. Uncle Christopher has kindly sponsored a few days stay at Festive Hotel as a reward for Charmaine for having undergone a major surgery in May 2011. It was also an advanced birthday gift for Charmaine.
~*"Interview" on the couch*~
Some of Little Charmaine's cute antics were captured in this video when she was supposedly watching tv. She did not know that she was being filmed.
Note: I do not know how to edit videos so I'm uploading the raw files as they are.
For some noteworthy moments, you may scroll to:
- 0:28
Some cute actions of Char
- 3:00
Godma Jolene and Uncle Charles disturbed Charmaine with some questions to add more sounds and actions into the video. Charmaine didn't actually know she was being filmed.
- 4:07
Uncle Charles revealed to Charmaine that he was afraid Charmaine wouldn't like him based on his looks and hear what she had to say. So cute!
~*Do you know who is the richest man in the world?*~
Some of Little Charmaine's cute antics were captured in this video when Uncle Charles was behind the camera "interviewing" her. He was asking her philosophical questions which she didn't quite understand even upon explaining. Both of us tried explaining to her in very simple terms and she still seemed lost. Nonetheless I find it very meaningful and worth sharing.
PS: Pardon Charle's command of English. He is Chinese/Hokkien educated. =P
~*Thank you Uncle Christopher*~
Those few days were one of her happiest moments. As you know, Charmaine simply loves Sentosa, Universal Studios and their roller coasters as well as the simulated beach pool at Hard Rock Hotel. Everything combined during that few days stay indeed made her one very happy girl despite all the pain she was suffering from. — at Hotel Michael Resort World Sentosa Island
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
These videos were taken on the night of 14 July 2011 which was Charmaine's actual birthday.
Godpa kh and Godma Jolene brought Cyn mommy and the kids to a very deserted place in Singapore to release their wishes into the sky. It was the first time the kids would be doing this and they did not quite know what to expect.
Charmaine was growing weaker by the week and I wanted her to experience a whole new way of making wishes which I was quite certain would bring her joy and hope.
~*Releasing Wish Lanterns on Charmaine's Birthday*~
Video description:
After a long time trying to get the "fuel" to light, we finally succeeded in releasing the green wish lantern into the sky.
"Make the wish come true please" uttered by Charmaine at 0:28 brought a little wrench in my heart whenever I watch this after she is gone.
~*What Charmaine Likes about the Wish Lanterns*~
Video description:
In this video, Cyn mommy was asking Charmaine what exactly she enjoyed about the whole wish lantern experience. She answered that it was mainly the drawing.
Charmaine was undoubtedly very tired even as she lay on her stroller and watch the lantern slowly disappear among the stars. Nonetheless we could all tell that she was really happy for that whole moment of seeing her lantern taking along her wishes with it.
~*Talkative Char Char*~
Video description:
In this video, we released Charmaine's pink lantern. The video is about 5 minutes long with majority of it capturing the gradual floating of lantern up into the sky.
Scroll and listen to what Charmaine had to say from 0:15 -- 0:45, 3:46 -- end
PS: To clarify what Char said, I did not "cancel" my work. lol... Those days were either my off days or else then I took time off or leave.
Video description:
In this video, we released Charmaine's pink lantern. The video is about 5 minutes long with majority of it capturing the gradual floating of lantern up into the sky.
Scroll and listen to what Charmaine had to say from 0:15 -- 0:45, 3:46 -- end
PS: To clarify what Char said, I did not "cancel" my work. lol... Those days were either my off days or else then I took time off or leave.
I found a connection to Char - reading!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
I love reading! Reading makes me cry, feel anger, frustration, sadness. But above all, reading never fail to make me smile and feel happy. Reading is a habit I picked up while in NYC caring for Char and Jase. I would never imagine myself ever saying such words when I was younger but I am now - I truly love books! My love for reading is a precious gift that Char has left for me. Every book I read since the first book always has something that reminds me of Char. The connection I feel with Char is so close through the books. Every so often, a phrase or a paragraph would jump out at me making me relish Char's love as though she has never been apart from me even for a moment. The reason we start things is rarely the reason we continue them. I started reading because it was one of the few things I could do while fighting the beast daily. And it has now become my connection to my little girl. Through the words, I am constantly reminded of her love for me. Thank you my little princess. I love you. I miss you and YES, I am gonna freaking try to be happy like you do!
Love,
Cyn mommy
Love,
Cyn mommy
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
