A beautiful dream of you smiling at me.

Monday, April 16, 2012

I dream of Char!!! I barely just dozed off for 20mins. And it was a dream in a dream. In my dream, my folks came in to wake up me up barely after I fallen asleep and I grumbled. Then I went back to sleep. And soon after, don't know why, I was roused up again and I said I was going to another house to sleep. Apparently my parents and I have 2 different house. I walked out at 3am and this family of 4 with 2 kids came chatting loudly. Kids were running across the road towards my parents house which I was in now. I realized that I had left my heels outside the main door so went to get and decided to look towards the direction of the family. Just behind the family, there SHE is!!! My baby girl Char! I know it's her because she smiled at me so happily. Doing a pose across the road with a right hand on her hip and left hand pointing upwards, with a smirk and mischievous face. I miss you my dearest child. She is wearing her green shirt we bought in NYC with a skirt and leggings. She has a laugh bird perched on her left shoulder. I kept calling and screaming to her that I miss her and I love her so much, clearly knowing in my dream that she is no longer here with me but I was happy. I just wanted to let her know as much as possible that I love her. She smile her  biggest grin at me and before I know it, she floated upwards and she kept waving her left hand at me happily... she never stopped smiling and monkeying around and she looks so happy...

And it's 3:39am now... I woke up crying... Don't know if I was dreaming or I was simply too tired...

Not sure if it is merely me thinking of her subconsciously... Whatever it is, I got to see those smiles I miss so dearly... 

It's been 6 months... Without my precious child.

I love you Charmaine.. How I wish we were meant to be together as a family for decades... How I long to hear your voice again... How I wish to be able to hold and hug you tightly... To hear you shout your "love you"s...

But it seems that you are meant to be somewhere else... You must be happy OKAY? Happier and so much more blissful than when you are with me...

Video Memories of Charmaine

Monday, April 2, 2012

Dear readers,

Happy Monday!

We would like to share some videos taken last year with all of you who are still reading.

Please view it on a new youtube window as I do not know how to resize the width to fit into this blog post.

Godma Jolene


These videos were taken in June 2011. Uncle Christopher has kindly sponsored a few days stay at Festive Hotel as a reward for Charmaine for having undergone a major surgery in May 2011. It was also an advanced birthday gift for Charmaine.

~*"Interview" on the couch*~

Some of Little Charmaine's cute antics were captured in this video when she was supposedly watching tv. She did not know that she was being filmed.

Note: I do not know how to edit videos so I'm uploading the raw files as they are.

For some noteworthy moments, you may scroll to:
- 0:28
Some cute actions of Char

- 3:00
Godma Jolene and Uncle Charles disturbed Charmaine with some questions to add more sounds and actions into the video. Charmaine didn't actually know she was being filmed.

- 4:07
Uncle Charles revealed to Charmaine that he was afraid Charmaine wouldn't like him based on his looks and hear what she had to say. So cute!

~*Do you know who is the richest man in the world?*~

Some of Little Charmaine's cute antics were captured in this video when Uncle Charles was behind the camera "interviewing" her. He was asking her philosophical questions which she didn't quite understand even upon explaining. Both of us tried explaining to her in very simple terms and she still seemed lost. Nonetheless I find it very meaningful and worth sharing.

PS: Pardon Charle's command of English. He is Chinese/Hokkien educated. =P

~*Thank you Uncle Christopher*~

Those few days were one of her happiest moments. As you know, Charmaine simply loves Sentosa, Universal Studios and their roller coasters as well as the simulated beach pool at Hard Rock Hotel. Everything combined during that few days stay indeed made her one very happy girl despite all the pain she was suffering from. — at Hotel Michael Resort World Sentosa Island


These videos were taken on the night of 14 July 2011 which was Charmaine's actual birthday.

Godpa kh and Godma Jolene brought Cyn mommy and the kids to a very deserted place in Singapore to release their wishes into the sky. It was the first time the kids would be doing this and they did not quite know what to expect.

Charmaine was growing weaker by the week and I wanted her to experience a whole new way of making wishes which I was quite certain would bring her joy and hope.

~*Releasing Wish Lanterns on Charmaine's Birthday*~

Video description:
After a long time trying to get the "fuel" to light, we finally succeeded in releasing the green wish lantern into the sky.
"Make the wish come true please" uttered by Charmaine at 0:28 brought a little wrench in my heart whenever I watch this after she is gone.

~*What Charmaine Likes about the Wish Lanterns*~

Video description:
In this video, Cyn mommy was asking Charmaine what exactly she enjoyed about the whole wish lantern experience. She answered that it was mainly the drawing.

Charmaine was undoubtedly very tired even as she lay on her stroller and watch the lantern slowly disappear among the stars. Nonetheless we could all tell that she was really happy for that whole moment of seeing her lantern taking along her wishes with it.

~*Talkative Char Char*~

Video description:
In this video, we released Charmaine's pink lantern. The video is about 5 minutes long with majority of it capturing the gradual floating of lantern up into the sky.
Scroll and listen to what Charmaine had to say from 0:15 -- 0:45, 3:46 -- end
PS: To clarify what Char said, I did not "cancel" my work. lol... Those days were either my off days or else then I took time off or leave.

I found a connection to Char - reading!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I love reading! Reading makes me cry, feel anger, frustration, sadness. But above all, reading never fail to make me smile and feel happy. Reading is a habit I picked up while in NYC caring for Char and Jase. I would never imagine myself ever saying such words when I was younger but I am now - I truly love books! My love for reading is a precious gift that Char has left for me. Every book I read since the first book always has something that reminds me of Char. The connection I feel with Char is so close through the books. Every so often, a phrase or a paragraph would jump out at me making me relish Char's love as though she has never been apart from me even for a moment. The reason we start things is rarely the reason we continue them. I started reading because it was one of the few things I could do while fighting the beast daily. And it has now become my connection to my little girl. Through the words, I am constantly reminded of her love for me. Thank you my little princess. I love you. I miss you and YES, I am gonna freaking try to be happy like you do! 

Cyn mommy
Feisty Princess Charmaine. Design by Pocket