Cyn's sms to me

Saturday, February 28, 2009

at 21:55 27th February 2009...

"She cried for 2hrs and cried herself to sleep. Cried so hard that the blood was flowing out from e heart. :-( she was in discomfort and pain. But she tried to control, and she would burst out crying when she couldn't control. I dunno where is her pain but she kept crying and i feel Shit."

N/B: Charmaine has a portacath located at her chest area.


at 07:50 28th February 2009...

our princess finally fell alseep after the crying and med. She dutifully wakes up every 2hrs to pee without me having to persuade her. And the first time at 12midnight, i asked her if She's in pain. She said loudly nope and even told me that 'mummy, i'm not scared if i pain pain!' i nearly cried out.

at 07:54 28th February 2009...

After all the nauseating and pain last night, she actually can tell me that she's not afraid first she wakes up. I really dunno what to say. But i know she's a fighter that she will win this battle.

N/B: Chemo patients have to pee regularly every 2 hours as the drugs are too strong and damaging to the body.

Cynthia's email to all (Dated 26th February 2009)

Friday, February 27, 2009

"Hi everyone, friends and strangers alike, I would just like to take this opportunity to say a few words of thanks for all the overwhelming encouragement me and my family have received over the last couple of weeks.

Friends came forward to extend all the help they could; Neighbours and ex-neighbours, school mates, ex colleagues, relatives and even strangers... Everyone gave me so much encouragement and support during the most challenging 2 weeks in my life.

To be frank, the reality hasnt exactly sunk in. I still cannot picture my little girl as being this sick. She just looks so normal to me. Many a times, I wonder if I am the one who is going to make her more sick because I am the one who agreed to her going through chemotherapy.

I dread waking up this morning in the hospital. I almost feel like a murderer - because today the doctor will finally inject all the drugs into my little girl's body to kill all her healthy cells. As I am typing right now in the room besides her room, the 3 different type of drugs are dripping slowly into her heart...

Charmaine woke up this morning at 6:30am, being her mischievious self. She was hungry and hence we went down to get her favourite Raisins Bread from 7-11. And when we went back to the ward, she wanted to watch her favourite Dora, with the volume tuned to the loudest. Had to negotiate real hard before she agreed to an acceptable volume. Thats my little girl, she just doesnt let anyone have their ways so easily. And with this belief, I know the cancer cells will not have their way so easily with her too.


Charmaine would be starting on her chemotherapy later today

Thursday, February 26, 2009

If Cynthia had clearly made up her mind and stuck to what she last informed me a few hours ago, Charmaine would be starting on her chemotherapy tomorrow or rather, later today.

Yes, yes people who talked to me would know that I'm not a great supporter of putting Charmaine through chemotherapy with only 10% chance. Cynthia used to have the same thoughts too. Even her pragmatic brother who used to always go by treatments backed by doctors and hospital (in cyn's words) was also having 2nd thoughts about putting Charmaine through chemo. On Monday, we just kept thinking of alternative treatments.

I really hate all the side effects of chemo which would cause Charmaine to be a totally changed person. We really could not bear the thoughts of putting her through all the pain, changing her lifestyle and subsequently, her character.

I cannot bear the thoughts that the strongest chemo would be used on Charmaine who is just a little girl. I cannot imagine all her healthy cells being killed and her organs affected. I cannot imagine confining her at home. (She is not allowed to go out as her immunity system would be low and she is forbidden to play with other children as well.) What kind of life would that be for our active little girl?

There were certain incidents which threw up new light and made Cynthia decide that putting Charmaine through chemo is the best option. I would think that Cynthia's decision would be prudent as she knows what's best for her daughter and I totally support her decision.

This is quite random but being the 10%-is-akin-to-0% chance Jolene that I am, I suddenly had a very strong conviction while having warm water running over my head. A conviction which tells me that miracles can happen. This conviction rang so clearly in my mind that I truly believe it's a sign.


I thought of putting up some photo stories of Charmaine highlighting all the play sessions and outings we had throughout the years. I've asked for cyn's permission to post up more photos here and she's fine with it.

I'll wait for the response to see if I should really do it.

Hence comes the poll...

Do you want to see more cute photos of Charmaine?

Let me know what you think! =)

POSB savings a/c is up for lil Charmaine's cancer funds

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Dear all,

I've set up a separate a/c for little Charmaine.

For the interested parties, please make your donations to:

The administrator has removed the bank account number which has since been closed
Edited on 14 June 2009.

Kindly include your name when you do an internet bank transfer. We would like to remember you by name and not by initials or "anonymous". =)

I would be starting a Facebook group for awareness of little Charmaine's plight tonight if possible. Do look out for it and help to spread the word.

Cynthia has been wanting to come here personally to thank all of you but she doesn't have the time to do so. She's really very touched by all your kindness and efforts.

I hereby thank all of you again on her behalf.

Meanwhile, I would like to seek a little favour from all of you reading this...

1) Please leave your words of encouragement here as a comment and not as an email to me. I really love reading all your emails and have fwd-ed many to Cynthia as well. We're really very touched by them. However, being very sentimental, I would like these to be preserved as memories here on this weblog.

2) Please refrain from including my personal blog's url on popular websites and forums. Please also refrain from including my personal blog's url on your blogs unless you are my friend or we somehow know each other on the internet realm.
I understand that all of you are being very kind to spread the word and to urge people to click on the ads there but I would prefer not to have my personal blog url publicised. Hope you would understand.

Thank you all of you!

God bless!


Charmaine has a GOOD HEART... in every sense of that phrase

Lots of new updates from Cynthia but most are personal which I won't reveal here.

Char's heart scan results was quite positive. Once again, this result acts as a baseline marker. After undergoing strong chemotherapy, little char would have certain organs being affected, one of which is the heart.

Charmaine always has a good heart and we all know it.


I found a cute banner button specially made for little charmaine!

Feisty Char needs bullets to fight!

I dunno if I can reveal where I got this from. Anyway, I realise that the person who made it is a friend of my good friend. The relation to charmaine is so distant and I really appreciate this little act of creating a button for her. Thank you!

Updates after the family conference at KK…

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

In a nutshell, Charmaine would have:

- 10% chance of recovery after undergoing the strongest chemotherapy available
- 30% to 40% chance of recovery if surgery to remove the tumours and bone marrow transplant are performed after the chemotherapy

It does sound grim but on the bright side, Little Charmaine was so cheerful today. She didn’t throw any tantrum and she had her cute cheeky smile plastered on her face most of the time. She was clearly very happy and her mood had certainly changed ever since she was brought home.

I seriously think that the mind is a very powerful tool to control how one’s body would respond.

Guess what our princess said today with great determination?

"I want to fight the monster in my tummy!"

That's our feisty little girl!

With 2 hours of sleep the night before, I’m typing this with half my eyes open so I’m just doing a short summary for now for the many of you who are looking for updates on little charmaine’s situation.

I will be back to elaborate more on what happened today. =)


Pleasant surprise #1:
Seeing the stats count of 600+ at cyn's house just now when this weblog was barely set up 24hours ago.
700+ at midnight and 800+ now!
Thank you to all of you who help spread the word around.

Pleasant surprise #2:
Opening my email just now to see a flurry of emails about Charmaine and the intention to help her.
Most of you are wondering how to go about donating. I will be opening a separate a/c for Charmaine hopefully this Wednesday on my off day. I will include the a/c number here once it is done.

You may also donate via the paypal button located at the right side bar.
[Special thanx to good friend Charlene for helping me with this paypal thingy. =)]

Thank you for all your sms-es. It’s rather tough for Cynthia and me to reply to every single sms so do come back here for updates on Charmaine.

For those of you who know how I can take weeks and months to procrastinate on my personal blog, I promise to do my best to update here religiously. Thank you all for your concern and support.


Back to update…

Besides the grim family conference, we got to meet various people from the team. We managed to talk to 2 social welfare workers from the hospital itself and from the children’s cancer society.

Charmaine underwent a hearing test. The hearing test acts as a “baseline” marker. After undergoing strong chemotherapy, little char would have certain organs being affected, one of which is hearing.

Char failed this test a few days ago as on that day she was in such a foul mood with all the piercing of needles, drawing of blood and basically all the changes in her life. She was so agitated that she pulled off the earphones and refused to do the test.
Today, little char performed very well. Cyn said she followed all the instructions accurately. Cyn mummy was really proud of her!

Little char was a darling the whole day. I was really quite surprised that she was almost back to the same old charmaine just coz she hadn’t been in a hospital environment for the past 2 days. This is how much the environment can affect one’s mental state and overall well-being.

Rewind 2 days back…
Cyn requested for home leave over the weekend and brought little Charmaine home. Her mood improved tremendously and she did not even behave like a sick girl. She was happy with the simple pleasure of being allowed to step into a shopping complex for just a little while after more than a week of being confined and feeling miserable. Of course, she still felt the pain from all the surgery cuts on her body and cannot exert too much energy.

There were also the trying periods when little char simply starved herself despite being very hungry, controlling her bladder etc.

She is aware of how different she is now. She is very conscious of herself. She is really wary of everything around her and guards herself against many things.

It was really difficult trying to get her to eat with so many of her favourite food to avoid. She refused to eat all the healthy things that cyn cooked and prepared for her. She hates all the changes in her routine and was very upset about it all.

She could even hold her pee just so that cyn would not be able to collect her sample coz she’s so conscious of all these new changes.

She is such a stubborn or should we say determined girl that it was difficult to coax her to do things which she clearly didn’t want or like doing.

Hence with all these happening over the weekend, it was really very comforting to see cute little charmaine almost back to her normal self today. The only thing was that she refuses to kiss and hug me and refuses to be kissed and hugged by me. Normally, she would be very generous with hugs and kisses,

She constantly called me a “naughty godma” whenver she sensed that I was trying to coax her to do things. She’s really a smart little girl who can’t be easily tricked and persuaded to doing things she doesn’t like.

Heard from cyn that char watched some Superstar (or was it?) show on tv and she aspires to sing on stage.

“Next time, Charmaine will sing on stage then mummy, kor kor and Aunty Sonia will sit in the front row and clap.”

Decisions to make…
Should we put little charmaine through chemotherapy soon? If so, it would start this Wednesday. We actually thought of trying out alternative healing methods and seeking help from Chinese physicians first. There have been cases of tumours shrinking and cancerous cells to be under control with Eastern healing.

We were thinking of combining both Eastern and Western form of healing. As we all know, western healing encompasses all the drugs and everything “unnatural” whereas Eastern healings focuses more on balance and natural healing. For chemo? Against chemo? Surprisingly, there are many people I know in both camps.

Should we even wait any longer? Can we wait till the biopsy results are out in 2 to 3 weeks time? Can we afford the time?

Waiting yet not willing for this day to come

Sunday, February 22, 2009

I'll be taking leave to accompany cyn and her bro for the family conference tomorrow. I wish to be well-informed about char's condition yet I dun wish to know all the negative aspects of it at the same time.

We really have to brace ourselves for tomorrow.

Please help us to pray for hope.


Edited to add:
- Please help me to spread this blog link to people you know.
- The nuffnang ad here is still not working. Friends with my personal blog url, pls help to click on the ads there instead. Thank u very much.
- I really din expect the good response. An account would be set up soon. In the meantime, pls continue to inform me of your interest in helping cyn and char in any way. =)

Backdated: Thursday, 19th February 2009

Extracted & edited from my personal blog…

Charmaine had her biopsy op this morning. It was a 4-hour procedure.

Besides the biopsy, cyn informed me that an "equipment" was inserted/hooked around the heart to "release chemotherapy stuff" to see if her "cells are receptive" to it.

The equipment is a kinda "port" to draw blood from. Subsequent chemotherapy would be input to the body via this port too.

The double quotation marks ["...."] are added as I'm explaining it in layman's term and that my explanation could be inaccurate.

Charmaine has been transferred to the children's cancer ward after the op. None of us like it there. The nurses are quite strict and unfriendly. We can perfectly understand them for being strict as the environment is definitely different. However, being rude and unfriendly is another matter.

Number of visitors is definitely restricted too.

When kh and I arrived, char was cradled in cyn's maid's arm sleeping. Cyn's maid informed us that cyn had just gone to take a shower. ONE thing to be thankful for is good maid who has been with char since she was a baby. I can see that she really loves her a lot.

Char's hair was drenched with perspiration despite the air-conditioning. She was clearly in great pain! Her mouth was opened and she had to breathe with the aid of an oxygen mask which was held near her nose and mouth by cyn's maid. They were doing that the whole time after the op. Her stomach and other organs had to be pushed slightly upwards during the op which are pressing upwards onto her diaphragm resulting in her difficulty in breathing.

There were many tubes on her wrists and toe linked to various machines which showed readings I didn't quite understand. Fortunately, cyn understood what the readings meant and this she found out with the help of another friend. The nurses simply asked her not to bother and were often chiding her. With her new-found knowledge, she could easily monitor char's breathing, pressure etc.

Cyn told me that when char woke up after the op, she was in such great pain. Cyn assured her that she was gonna be alright and the feisty little char said "ok". She's such a darling.

They also tried breathing together naturally w/o the oxygen mask to try to reach 100 on the screen. However, after a few minutes, char complained of giddiness. So poor thing.

Cyn also promised char that she would not to cry anymore and she was doing quite well till she spoke to me about the latest updates on char's condition. Since cyn promised char not to cry, I must also be strong and not let my tears flow.

Char's emotions has been greatly affected from all the pain and turmoil. She knows that she is different now and as a young child, she is unable to understand why this is happening. She is unable to express herself clearly. She is unable to control her temper and is highly irritable. She does not like many visitors and would often throw her temper when she sees new faces.

She woke up halfway and I didn't even dare to go near her for fear of aggravating her. She was aware that I was around as she was eyeing me with great pain and irritation as I smiled and waved to her at a distance. Jase went up to tell her "I love you" and she screamed with irritation.

Why does a young child have to go through all these?

Cyn's frenz and bro did a lot of research and from all the results so far, we suspect that Char is suffering from neuroblastoma. This is worse than primary liver cancer. With tumour found outside the liver on lymph nodes and nerves with traces of cancer in her bone marrow, we braced ourselves that char could possibly be in the 3rd or 4th stage.

Next Monday would be the day when the doctor would sit down and have a talk to cyn about all the reports and results. We really have to brace ourselves for the worst possible outcome and yet at the same time hope that we are so damn wrong.

Meanwhile, we're also looking into natural healing for cancer with a change in diet. So far research on this have been quite positive.

Backdated: Wednesday, 18th February 2009

Extracted & edited from my personal blog…

Received news from cyn this evening that the bone marrow test result is out... there are traces of cancer in the bone marrow too. This sucks coz it really complicates things a lot. I was still hoping for only the liver to be affected and that it would be primary.


At that time when the sms came, I was out shopping for my bridal shoes for the photoshoot.

My heart was stirring with such emotions that I really could not hang outside any longer.

I was angry.

REALLY ANGRY that such a thing could happen to an innocent child.

WHY must it be Charmaine?

WHY must it happen to Cynthia who had already undergone so many turmoils in life?

I'm online now and I don't even dare to google for bone marrow cancer coz I'm afraid of what I would have to read.

I don't even wanna go to the hospital now even though I'm not bogged down by work coz I have to be strong for cyn... and I know I cannot face her now with my tear-streaked face and wavering voice.

I'm not as strong as before, not as positive as before.

But I have to be...

Backdated: Tuesday/ Wednesday 17th/18th February 2009 midnightish

Extracted & edited from my personal blog…

Just came back from KK with my parents. Little Char was sound asleep with her back facing up. She had her "bone marrow extraction" in the day. I dun exactly know the scientific term but I found out that it was for conducting tests on the sample.

Cyn showed us the huge plaster across char's lower back. It pains me to see the small of her back being plastered like that.

Cyn said that char was still quite feisty as usual. When she woke up after the op, she was unaware of what had happened. She seemed oblivious to pain if there was any and could even get up and walk. (Ketamine was given)

It was only at night when she felt the plaster behind for the first time. She became conscious and from then on, she felt the pain and started being very grouchy.

Lil Char would be undergoing a biopsy on Thursday where tissues from the liver would be removed and taken for tests.

I hope she would be strong enough to endure the pain and the after effects.

On Monday, docs found a tumour growing outside the liver on the lymph node. Whether the tumour is primary (coming from the liver itself) or secondary (coming from other organs but has spread to the liver) or has spread from the liver to other parts cannot be confirmed even till now.

For now, we are all hoping and praying that the tumour is primary.

Thank you all who replied my sms:
[Names removed]

I haven't been able to reply and thank everyone.

Thanx for keeping lil char in your thoughts and prayers. Thanx for asking for her name. Thanx for sending your regards to cyn and char. Thanx for all your care and concern.

I was quite touched that I teared on the mrt.

Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

Backdated: Monday, 16th February 2009

Extracted & edited from my personal blog…

Cyn broke the news that lil char’s tumour is found to be cancerous.

Went online to search for info regarding liver cancer, printed them out and digested them whenever I’ve got the time on the mrt.

There was a mixture of positive and negative results and outlook. I concentrated on the positive ones.

We have to remain positive and strong.

Backdated: Sunday, 15th February 2009

Extracted & edited from my personal blog…

Dear friends & readers,

My cute little god daughter, Charmaine, has a 12cm tumour in her liver. From tests today, it's confirmed to be cancerous.

It is too big to be operated on and the doctors are holding back lots of information. We're all very worried.

She is still her cute and active self albeit a few tubes pierced into her small little veins. Tomorrow, would be the day when more tests would be carried out which may include a few minor ops. By then, she would not be her usual self anymore and it really pains me to have that thoughts.

To all who read this, please help me to pray for her well-being.

Thank you very much.



Decided to surprise little char with a Barbie doll and some other toys.

Took a long time choosing a Barbie doll. 21st century Barbies suck big time. They look like bitches, sluts or trannies with their huge slanted eyes and gaudy eyeshadows, pouty glossy lips and much too high nose bridges. Let's not even go into their fashion sense, which all along had actually been a disaster only that it had been overlooked since Barbie was gorgeous then.

Was enthralled by the DIY wooden toys and finally decided upon a dining table set which consisted of a table, 4 chairs and a cabinet which doors could be opened and closed.

Rushed to KK with chicken rice in toll. Little Char was craving for chicken rice after 3 days of porridge diet. There was no food restriction then.

Lil Char looked tired when I arrived. She was lying down looking very nua. I was shocked as cyn told me that she was still quite her chirpy, cheeky self since being diagnosed with a tumour in her liver.

Upon hearing that there was chicken rice, she immediately brightened up. We were all so happy to see her having such huge appetite as she ate the most during that meal out of the 3 days there. She looked so cute each time she opened her mouth so big to ask for more.

She was doodling on many pieces of paper and playing with us (cyn, cyn's relatives, maid and me). I was glad to see her back to normal.

She also fiddled with her Dora lunchbox with kokokrunch inside and told me that she had been saving it for korkor. So sweet!

After she was done eating her portion, we told her that there would be a surprise and out popped Barbie. You should have seen that joyful look on her merry little face as she gave a delightful squeal and said, "BARBIEEEE!"

That clever girl saw something else in the bag and asked if there were anymore surprises.

Just then, cyn’s family arrived. Jase was so interested by the wooden toys that he wanted to open it immediately. He politely asked mei mei if he could open and mei mei agreed. Really very sweet.

In no time, we were all constructing little chairs, tables and cabinet with the relatives going “so cute” every now and then.

The 2 kids did many sweet things. They hugged and kissed each other and I even heard lil char say, “Kor kor I love you.”

Lil char was well-liked by the nurses there. Whenever she took a walk around the ward, the nurses would call her and she would turn and flash her cute smile. They kept walking to the height measuring chart, each being so happy to almost reach 110cm and 100cm.

I carried lil char every now and then coz I really dunno when is the next time I would be able to carry her normally.

There was once she asked to come down. Hence, I squatted to put her down. When she had both her feet on the floor, she flung her arms around me and gave me a BIG and LONG hug.

It made me all so warm and fuzzy. However, I felt like crying when I felt her huge and hard tummy. I also wondered when would be the next time I could hug her like this again.
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