A day where joy meets tears and love meets pain

Sunday, February 12, 2012

It's been a day of many life experiences. 

1. Joy of growing up. Golf lessons with Jase. Seeing his pride and happiness. 

2. Vulnerability of life in sickness. Been 2 years since I last stepped into NUH. Yet, I rem almost every corner and all the memories started flooding back. Char, you are everywhere. I don't know how I did it but I know you are watching over me. In ICU, even his panting is as painful to watch as though I was watching yours... I didn't know what to say but I know I need to be there... 

3. Perfect union in love. Wedding of Uncle Charles n Ai Li Jie Jie. Such a beautiful moment. Char, it's ridiculous but I had a fleeting thought wondering how it would have felt if I am the mother marrying you off... Love is so magical. 

4. Deterioration of the human body in old age. Saw Mr Chiam ST at wedding. So frail, so helpless and yet such passion for life.

Today is a day filled with varied and extreme emotions. What remains unchanged is my love for you, my princess. And how much I miss you. I survive another day! I laugh, love and live. 

Cyn mommy

Someone smiling, someone crying...

Having a heavy heart. Another warrior is fighting for his life in the ICU. Another helpless mom and dad. Feels like asking for prayers for the family but at the end of day... What the HELL can prayers do. Absolutely nothing.

I am sitting here at the driving range, looking at all the happy kids swinging their golf clubs and happy parents chatting around, blessed and oblivious to the pain and misery happening a few miles away. When Jase finishes his lessons, I will hear him talk happily of how good he is and I will smile and tell him "You are awesome!" But deep down inside, my heart is wrenching with sadness and just questions... 

How is it that we are capable of moving forward despite how impossible it may seem and how unwilling and reluctant we are... Is this a natural gift that we are all born with. Or is it more of a curse?

I am walking on a fine thread, between 2 completely different worlds and I struggle to balance daily. In some ways, I don't know where I belong to. Jumping from one to another, in and out... It's confusing and it's physically and mentally draining. A close friend said it's the universe preparing me for something bigger. But what and why.

Tonight, another of Charmaine's good friends - Uncle Charles and Ai Li Jie Jie are getting married. Jase and I are all excited about the wedding dinner. I am sure we will have fun and I will even marvel at the beauty of love and life.

I will applaud and smile heartily on this special day for them. But tonight, I will also be thinking of a teenage boy fighting for his life...

Happiness and sadness surround us in this world. Someone is dying and someone is welcoming a new life somewhere.

What are we all living for? Both the pain and the love. Both the happiness and the sadness. Both the laughters and the tears...

I can't protect myself from the misery. Neither can I protect my kids from this world's sufferings...

I can only hope that I have given them enough joy, happiness and love to weather through all the miseries, sufferings and pain.

For some, today will mark one of their happiest days in their lives... For others, today will be one of their toughest days in their lives...

For my dear friend who is struggling with one of the toughest decision to make for her child, I say "Trust yourself. A mother knows best. We are made that way. To take on all the sh*t even when you refuse to. To survive even when you just want to give up. To smile even when the tears are flowing. To love even when it doesn't make sense."

Dearest Char, I love you more everyday. And I miss you so much it's crazy. You are everywhere with me. I didn't really believe it but it seems true. I can feel you smiling sweetly besides me when I am happy. I can hear you cheering me on when I needed a boost. You are amazing. People seems to be right even when they seemed so wrong to me initially. Is it really possible that we are all growing almost the same way despite different experiences? Sorry baby girl, mommy is rambling again. :-)

Did I tell you lately that I love you? :-)

Feisty Princess Charmaine. Design by Pocket