On your 8th Birthday today

Sunday, July 14, 2013

8 years go @ 0959hrs, you came into this world, into my arms...
I was broken hearted, in despair, lost and scared of... Our future, the unknowns, my divorce...

We had numerous friends supporting mommy... Godma Alexis was there at the hospital to welcome you together with mommy. Auntie Sibil fetched us back from the hospital... Auntie Karen and Melody brought tons of baby supplies to our temporary home... Ordered tingkat fot mommy to make sure that I was eating...

But I felt alone nonetheless. Because I was going to have to face the world on my own, jobless and having 2 very young babies depending on me. I wasn't even sure that I could survive on my own as I've never really been on my own before and all of a sudden, I had to make sure that not only must I survive, I have to protect both of you...

People used to ask mommy how did I get through those days... I have no idea. Everything was a blur. I think I focused on the small things everyday. The smallest of chores like feeding Jase and you, bathing both of you... Putting both of you to bed... While stressing about court attendances with no one to look after both of you... Little chores, little steps... Days passed by... Seeing both of you grow up is such a joy one can't help but trough on... Blessed with both Jase and you, mommy could only move forward... Doesn't matter how small each step was, I was nonetheless being pushed in a forward direction by both of you slowly but surely... Perhaps even without mommy realizing it...

My life seemed so depressing and difficult with the messy divorce but yet my life was filled with immeasurable amount of joy and happiness because of both of you... A part of me had probably chosen to numb my heart to block out the unpleasant and painful memories in order to survive but as a result I had also blocked out the most precious moments of both your growing up days...

There were few pictures... There were few excursions... I can't remember what days did Jase and you take your first steps... I can't remember when both of you did your first potty... As hard as I try now, I just can't remember much of those moments... Life was keeping me busy and 'busy' kept me alive... However 'busy' also made me forget to cherish and treasure the little precious moments. Those moments which is everything that I have to hold on to when it comes to you Charmaine...

Today is one of those days when everything is a little bit harder. I wish I remember those moments. I wish I could have focused more on you and Jase rather than worrying about money and survival... I wish I could have more time with you. I wish I could be singing you a 'Happy Birthday' song now and cutting the cake together with you. I wish to tell you that you make me feel like the luckiest mommy on earth... I wish to be reminding you to learn your spelling for tommorow. I wish to hug you. I wish to tell you I love you. I wish I could turn back time and perhaps do something different and perhaps you would still be right here with me... I wish you never had cancer... I wish you didn't have to suffer... I wish you are still alive...

Today is one of those days I can't seem to stop my tears running... And today I can't help but question why do I have to lose you? Why me?!! Why you?!?! Why us?!? Why is life so unfair?!? Why is it that of everything that I can afford to lose and can't be bothered with, I have to lose the only one of 2 persons I simply can't afford to lose. Why is life so hard? Why do we have to be apart? Why do I have to be in pain for the rest of my life? Why can't you be alive?!?

Oh my dearest princess...

Char char, I will always miss you. I will always love you. I will always carry the pain of losing you quietly in my heart until the day my heart stops beating too...

Happy 8th Birthday Char Char... We love you and miss you a lot... To the power of infinity.

Love,
Cyn mommy and Kor Kor Jase

8 comments:

SmiLeZz said...

*Hugs*

SmiLeZz said...

*hugs*

JO said...

Hi mommy I couldn't help but tear when I read your blog, I'm sure princess Charmaine misses you and Kor Kor too. Stay strong for yourself and jase. Big hugs

Ro's said...

So glad to read about your new family and life in the newspapers today !

Ro's said...

So glad to read about your new family in the newspapers! Charmaine will be so happy and guarding over your family :)

Serena B said...

Hugs. Stay strong, for her, and for her brother. She surely would like to see you smile, and be happy. Hugs again...

Serena B said...

Hugs. Stay strong, for her, and for her brother. She surely would like to see you smile, and be happy. Hugs again...

Pris said...

Hi, I just thought about you today and felt that I needed to drop by your blog and see how you are. I don't know if you'd read this message, but I wanted to encourage you that God loves you, He loves your daughter and your daughter is safe with him. God lost His son, Jesus too when Jesus died on the cross for mankind. He knows your pain. There is the other side of eternity, where there is no more suffering and no more pain. I might come across as crazy, but speaking from experience of losing my own mom at 21, (it's not the same as losing a child) my only comfort is knowing I will see my Mom one day again.

 
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