It's Halloween here.

Jase and Char had the day filled with Halloween activities today and tire themselves out entirely. They are now sound asleep.

I don't know what the pain on her shin means and I don't know if it was her shin that she was experiencing the pain or they could be entirely different areas of pain. Whatever that means, it just sucks big time! I'm angry, I'm so pissed at this damn thing called cancer!!! If it's something I could kill, I would turn myself into some montrous killer and kill this beast a thousand times and it would never even be enough to justify all the pain of the families whose kids are so cruelly ripped away and all that our little ones have gone through!!!

I'm so fearful, so worried and so anxious that I don't know what to think! All I know is that it's just NOT good to have all this pain while we just completed 5 days of chemo! The poison should have killed all the beast and there should be no pain... Every mention of the word 'painful' literally rocks my world violently. The chill and tremble that my body involuntarily reacts from the word 'PAIN' is beyond any normal healthy person's comprehension and no one should ever have to understand it either. Because it's almost inhumane.

Alot of my friends always tell me to trust my own instincts because a mother's instinct is unusually precise. At this moment, I am hoping that I am so wrong! I cannot stop worrying and I cannot stop thinking either. I'm still pretty sure that her left leg doesn't look right but in a very sick way, I'm almost feeling 0.1% relieved that I think I figured out this new area of pain. But yet, I'm so heartbroken... Why is it her shin? She never had disease on her shin. It shouldn't be coming from anywhere except her left femur. In fact, there simply should be no pain! Can you feel my agony and my frustrations and how sick this whole situation is? I don't want pain and I hate the pain but yet I'm somewhat relieved I found the site of the pain and yet it's tearing me apart with what I found!!!

Tomorrow is Sunday. I will have to live through one more day of hell. How ironical. It's actually Halloween day tmr so seems like I'm already in the right dark mood. Anyway, I already emailed Dr Kushner and we shall hear what the doctors make out of this whole insanity in my life. More scans maybe??? I dunno. Please don't ask me how... I simply dunno...

Charmaine is still walking with a slight limp and yet continued to dance through the Halloween party tonight. I'm glad that while she's really tired from the chemo, she really seem to enjoy herself so much. Nevertheless, seeing all these kids dance, laugh and play makes our reality a thousand times more painful. They all look so happy... And every now and than, you may look at one of the few whom you know their time is almost up... It's so hard, so tough I have no idea how medical professionals even live their lives like this on a daily basis. I can't, I simply can't. It's too painful and it's eating me away... Every single day. And the truth is I'm not left with much...

With your blessings and prayers, may the light finally shine on us, shine on my little princess and give us the miracle that I've been praying so hard for everyday... Please say a few more prayers if you could spare us some. I'm so worn out and I feel beaten... And the verdict is not even out yet!

Please pray that Charmaine's pain is healed overnight and her left leg will be as normal as any 5 year old can be. Please pray that there is no progression, the cancer did not spread and that Charmaine will win this battle and return to life of schooling and growing up normally.

Thank you all.

Love,
Cyn mommy