No answer but new resolution!

This is for all my fellow cancer mom's out there, mother's with children who have other ailments, disabilities and or diseases as well.

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social pressures, and a couple by habit.

Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnesses are chosen?


Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.


"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia. Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."


Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says, "Give her a child with cancer." The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."


"Exactly" smiles God, "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But, does she have patience?" asks the angel.


"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she will handle it."


"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has it's own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."


"But, Lord, I don't think she believes in you." No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness." The angel gasps -"Selfishness? is that a virtue?"


God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never consider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them." She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute and every day of her life, because she is doing My work as surely as if she is here by My side."


"And what about her patron Saint?" asks the angel. His pen poised in mid-air. God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

So much has happened and in short, we did an emergent X-ray on Monday on her left shin and thankfully, the result was negative. Doctors at MSKCC decided to continue to observe and repeat the scans in mid nov.

But I was still really worried and concern, hence I found a private Orthopedic Surgeon and brought Charmaine to him the next day. He said it was not within his expertise to comment on the cancer, however as far as he could see, Charmaine is having weakened muscles at various parts of her limbs which has caused her to be walking with bad postures, and you know, basically, one thing just leads to another. And the fact that her tiny body has gone through so much toxic treatments, radiation and all the pain, swelling just adds up to make it worse. Hence, Physiotherapy was recommended. I brought her immediately to the Physiotherapist after our session with the Ortho Surgeon on Tuesday. And based on her observation, she feels that on top of her limb muscles being weak, her spine seems to be hyperextended which in turn caused her pelvic to be slanted to a side and hence all the lower limb bad positioning and pain and muscle spasm... And on top of that, she does seem to be developing bow-leg on her left, and another 'big word' type of leg on her right. Basically, its one curved in and the other curved out...

Oh god, it is like an never-ending story, with never-ending twists and turns and never-ending challenges. BREATHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Our last 4 days has been packed with doctors' appointments and PT sessions, one after another everyday. It does seem like she is walking a little better... so I am praying very hard that ITS ALL only the side effects of all the toxic treatments and RT and a long road ahead to try and strengthen up whatever needed work.

Our future is still very much one minute, one hour and one day at a time. Nothing more. Because every time I attempt to push this rule a little bit further by foreseeing 2 days at a time, I am always jolted back by a rude awakening only to realise that I have fallen 3 steps behind.

Charmaine has been neutropenic officially since Monday and has been getting her daily painful GCSF shots. To say that she amazes me is a pure understatement. Her courage is something that would make a normal adult like me totally insignificant.

Try picturing this - Char knows how painful the shots are and she knows that she has to be injected daily until her immnuity comes back up to the minimum 1. She does not hide her fear and pain; she screams and cries out so loud that our neighbours can all hear her. Yet, she is the one who will tell me when she is ready, "Okay mommy, I think its time now, I am ready." Everyday without fail. We did this for 7 days last month. She faces her fear and her pain on a daily basis with such gutsy, never back away from it, never move an inch. I have no idea how she does it but she just do.

I am so proud to be the one she calls mother. Its about time I re-focus on learning from Charmaine her strength, her courage and her love for life. This past year has been so painful and so tough that I have entirely forgotten about what this journey is all about. Not about the pain, not about the suffering and not about all the tears shed. More than anything, its all about us learning from Charmaine and her little friends how we should always see the light, the hope, the happiness, the strength and all the love. And its about me growing up to be a better person, to not take things for granted and to treasure 'the present'.

Therefore, as tough as the past few days had been, and as heartbroken as I am today, (just learned that Elizabeth Westberry, our 3F8 roommate and close friend has passed this morning, forever 8), this shall not be a grim and teary entry.

Thanks to a mother who posted the story on her blog, I just remember that I was once known as always overflowing with abundant happiness and laughters. But I have neither played, laughed or smiled heartily in the past few months and I feel horrible that both the kids had to endure a grumpy, crybaby for so long.

I love you Charmaine and I love you Jase. Mommy promise to wake up with a big smile on my face tomorrow no matter WHAT!


Love,
Cyn mommy