Having your eternal love

~~~UPDATED @ 0800hrs~~~
This is so weird. It's almost 4 hours since I awoke. Suddenly, I had a rather blurry image that Char did visit me in my dreams last night. Yet, I can't seem to rem anything. Except that at some stage, I thought curiously in my dream "Hmm, why isn't the tumor in her mouth affecting her eating? She is eating very well" I also rem trying to look clearly at her face seeing if her tumor is still there but her image is a blur... My memory of that entire dream is a blur too... 30 days ago, this time was the last morning I woke up to you laying besides me... 


~~~@0400hrs~~~
Awake at 4am now and suddenly missing you, my baby girl. Tears started gushing out and the ache in my heart is so sharp... I love you Char Char. Although mama is crying and aching to hug you so badly... I have no regrets that I will have to live the rest of my life with my tears in my eyes and a huge void in my heart... Because I wouldn't have it any other way... I would still choose to be loved by you and to lose you rather then live a happy life never having you at all...

Of course I would have preferred to have you in my entire life. In all my lifetimes... But if I'm not worthy of your love for a single complete lifetime, even a fleeting moment like what we shared is something I am forever grateful for...

After my divorce, I am afraid. Afraid to experience loss. Mama always look strong to people... But the truth is I don't think I will dare to take my heart out and offer it willingly to another human being and trust that while he holds the knife to cut my heart into a million pieces, he wouldnt.

Honey, you have actually not only brought mama so much love and so much happiness... You have also, through your suffering helped me to understand that life is not about eternity... Love is... As adaptable as humans can be, I prefer consistency over change. I need you. I need Jase. I need my family and friends to remain one of the many constants in my life... I want to know that everyone I love will be in my life forever...

You taught me otherwise. People can say all the politically correct words "Char is always with you", "Char is watching over you even though you can't see her" but the practical truth is I HAVE LOST YOU FOREVER and nothing can change that fact. I will never get to hug you, never get to tell you that I love you, never hear your voice again, never see you again... We fought so hard for each other... Because I simply couldn't bear the thought of losing you forever...

But sweetheart, you left me an eternal gift. An eternal gift of love.
A love that would have me shed a million tears, a love that far surpasses the physical existence of your being, a love that truly will carry me to my deathbed... Even when you are not physically here to love me anymore... For the first time, I realize that I am actually capable of a love like that... Suddenly, I feel rich. Living in the knowledge that I have your love with me forever does alter the assumption that I always had of myself - that I am only capable of a physical and material existence of any relationship. Clearly, I was very immature. All those bullshit are true. :-) We can actually love a person till death even when we will never get to physically see them. Oh, especially that classic bullshit that, "To love someone, you have to let go".

While I have been slowly and painfully "forced" into a position that I had to willingly and openly plead with Heavens to take you away... I am still one very sore mom. Whoever is the universal creator up there most certainly didn't fight a fair match with mommy! (Yup, I'm certainly intermittently alternating between depression and anger in this grieving process!) Or, was it as good a deal as anyone could have gotten because I did get a chance to tell you I love you...

Holy crap. How can I actually feel gratitude towards THAT so-called better place Heavens when it was cleary the HEAVENS that has STOLEN you away from me? You didn't deserve any of the suffering! Yes, yes yes... Everyone experiences loss in their life at some stage and I am no exception. Yes yes yes, there are many countless families losing an innocent child daily around the world... I am not the only grieving mom on this whole wide earth. I know it. I see and hear it daily. All these other kids are kids that I've lived with, kids that I've heard their joyous laughters, their infectious smiles, their determination to fight against all odds even when the odds were zero...

KIDS who WANT to LIVE.

The thing about cancer is that it not only steals a very precious beloved someone from you, it goes beyond giving you eternal lasting pain from a precious undeserving loss, BUT CANCER cunningly imposes every god-damn bullshit it wants into your mind whether you like it or not. And not only does it gives you absolutely NO CHANCE to say NO, it actually goes to the extent of making you willingly buy into its bullshit. Hence, you have not only lost. You pretty much lost in the most 'degrading' way if its even a fight to begin with.

At the beginning of our journey, I was adamant that I will NOT be a loser and 'give' Char up willingly. Although as a mom, I somehow knew that we always would know when we should stop in all matters. It's like a gift all mothers are endowed with, when they become one. The bond that we share physically in that 9 months somehow converts into a telepathic bond no words can explain.

Nevertheless, that mind game that cancer plays with you is totally out of line if there were rules to begin with. I have not once, not twice but up till that very last moment, when I felt that I was quite literally "eating up my own words", so to speak... Everything that I refuses to 'give in' to cancer, I had. And finally, I even to give up my child for the release of her pain and suffering.

Hello cancer, if you are reading this somewhere. Please know that I HATE YOU. Absolutely detest you. You are not only a coward, you don't even dare to fight fair! You think you are having the final laugh now that everything I hated, you had somehow made me do it willingly... To the extent of begging for that so-called better place Heavens to take my child away from me. Laugh as much as you can, because it won't be very long that you will disappear entirely on this earth! And in the very immediate short-run, someone will give us the power to NEVER FEAR you at all! Have you heard of your friend called 'FLU'? We have ripped all his prowes from it and now it fears Vitamin C!!! Just you wait and see, CANCER, you will PAY and live in fear of us humans somedays! CANCER, you will be go down in history as one of those solved mysteries! And then you will be forgotten forever!

BUT OUR KIDS WILL NEVER EVER BE FORGOTTEN. Their love, their smiles, their spirits will continue to live on, for as long as there's humans on earth. You one ugly looking beast! DAMN YOU CANCER! Go burn in hell!

Woah, from crying non stop to cursing cancer, I feel ready to start my day! Time to wake Jase up for school!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH CHAR CHAR!

Love,
Mama

HELP REQUIRED.

I'm looking for a talented IT person who would be willing to help me set up a one stop cancer website for cancer patients in Singapore. Anyone, if you think you can help, PLEASE come forth and email me... It is one of my wishes to pass on as little as I can possibly give back to the society that has helped my little princess and myself so much...

I have a rough idea of what is lacking here but I know nothing about IT or website designing or whatever technical lingo... Hence, I will really need a professional to volunteer your services. If you have any friends who might be able and willing to help, please also enquire on our behalf.

THANK YOU in advance.

To each of you still reading our blog, THANK YOU. I always neglect to thank you all silent supporters but while I never explicitly thank you, I never forget. Every word, every encouragement is a very sweet reminder of my baby girl's love. The hearts she has touched. And that her spirits continues to live on. I cannot tell you enough how much all these mean to me.

In 2 days, Charmaine would have been gone for 30 days now...

In the last week, both Jase and me have attempted a couple of 'first's. We went to catch watch a game and we went to catch a movie. The game was easier because it was an entirely new environment and I ended up being too exhausted to even be upset. The movie was tough... I should have bought 3 tickets instead of 2. Char should have been sitting besides me but she wasn't. Everywhere we went in the mall, I saw princessy stuffs that Char would have loved... The crafts she would have wanted to do, the dresses she would have loved...

All the little things, all the beautiful memories we would have together with my precious child... So cruelly stolen by a cowardy disease.

I am crying a little lesser this week compared to last week... But I am missing Charmaine more with each passing day...

Many things are hard. But it doesn't mean that I don't eat or drink or sleep. I am alive and I am living like everyone else. I eat, I bath, I sleep and I wake up to the same routine day in day out. The only variant in my life is Jase. Most of the days, the only duty I am capable as a mom to Jase is to allow myself to be guided by Jase. If he wants to visit Char, I go. If he wants to catch a movie, I drag myself out.

I can smile. Although not as much. I can talk. Although it doesn't feel like I am making sense. I can think. Although I don't understand what I'm thinking about.

I have finally started to write that first chapter...

Oh how I miss you my lovely baby...

Honey, I love you. I miss you. Can you come visit mama in my dreams tonight please?

Love,
Mama

Memories

THANK YOU to Uncle Charles for rushing this montage of my dearest child out within a day for the celebration of her life... (Cant get the vid to upload, will ask for help next time)

Dearest Child,

Precious precious memories...

All I have now are just memories...

Text messages you texted me...
Pictures...

Many many blood test results, culture results, many many X-rays of her tiny different body parts... many MRI pictures, ultrasound images, MIBG pictures, PET-CT images...

I reach out and all I touch is my computer screen, the feel of paper...

I stare at your Birth Certificate... your Death Certificate... All that is left is of a string of numbers that you once lived and is no longer living...

The greater the love, the greater the hurt...

Is that true?



Words truly cannot describe how my heart feels, how my soul yearns...
The sharpness of your absence, my child, seems to only get worse with each passing day.

I have cried, I have ached miserably for all the other children lost to this horrible disease...

And yet, the pain doesnt even come close to what my body experiences each day...

I always had no words to comfort the other families of their pain because I knew deep down inside that I will never be able to understand... Even when we have journeyed down the same path together, battling the same war for years...

Life is ironic in that way... baby...

Mommy always thought I could hurt no worse than what I was already feeling then.
Yet, life always proves me wrong.

Mommy thought when your father left us, that would have been the worst pain anyone could ever experience in their life and my heart had been strengthen beyond the hardness of steel and my heart was invincible...

I am terribly mistaken. Impossibly wrong.

That doesnt even touch the tip of my sorrow now.

When the continuous stream of bad news hit me one after another... my heart also gradually started building a remarkable wall of defense around it... I got into greater and greater despair with each crushing wave, feeling the gradual loss of my grip on your dear precious life, and yet somehow, my body reacted like a well-trained soldier. It sank deeper into despair but it also took a reversely equal proportional amount of time to bounce up.

I sense it, I feel it, I know it and I see it.
I bounce back. Quicker and quicker each time.
As the news got more and more dismayed...

The initial days since you earned your wings seemed relatively bearable. Almost easier to focus on you being pain-free and at peace...

But oh honey... life is such an irony...

Pain-free is good but love-free is not.
With love, comes pain.
With pain, comes love.

You no longer are in pain. You no longer are here to love.

I am relieved that you are no longer suffering.
But I am so empty without your love.

I need your love. But I dont want you to suffer.

I need you here with me but your body doesnt heal.

I know the choice was never mine to make...
Yet, it felt like I held the key.

I have to be the one to tell you to go even when every cell of my body scream NO!
NOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU BELONG HERE. IN MY ARMS.

I LOVE YOU. But WHY DO I HAVE TO LET YOU GO.
I LOVE YOU. Why does love hurt so much?
I LOVE YOU. And yet even love is not enough.

Someone said LOVE IS THE MOST POWERFUL MEDICINE that can perform miracles.
Our miracle didnt come.
Is my love not enough?

Darling, is it even possible to love you more now that you arent here?
I am suffering in the greatest amount of pain that I've ever experienced.
Yet, for the first time in my life, I am feeling the greatest amount of love I have ever felt for anyone.

Bittersweet.

Did I mention that I am starting to hate the theory of everything having equal opposing forces?

I DO.

I hate it because its true. And I hate to admit the truth in it.
I absolutely detest to glorify such a cruel journey in life with the amazing gifts it brings along.

I am horrified to acknowledge the goodness that has come out of your suffering.
It is beyond disgusting. And yet, it is beyond heartwarming.

What do I do? I am confused beyond my wildest imagination.

I HATE CANCER. But my eye is not blinded by the badness.


GRIEVE...
Sweetheart, I didnt google the meaning. I thought: "TO HELL WITH IT".

During your last couple of weeks on earth, I had deliberated countless times to read up on some DUMMY'S GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING THE LAST MOMENT SYMPTOMS.

BUT I coward out. I didnt dare and I thought: "TO HELL WITH IT".

I had googled, researched, downloaded and read countless of articles on therapies, conventional and alternative, miracle healing, clinical trials, hundreds of pages of too many journals of too many neuroblastoma kids...

Japan, Germany, US, China, England, Russia...

Its my way of life. To read, to learn, to educate myself, and hopefully to beat the crap out of cancer...

You would have assumed that mommy must be reading up on tons of Grieving Books...
Guess what? "NOPE".

I know the experts separate the entire process into different 'phases'...
Can I simply say that I dont know and I dont care???

I am not motivated to self-read and self-help myself.
In fact, I am pretty comfortable with sulking, crying, and just being plain negative about my entire life right now.

I MISS YOU TERRIBLY. I cry loads when I see your pictures and I cry loads when I think of you. I still cant quite get around the idea that you arent here anymore. What does it mean?

The permanence of your absence is a very painful and scary thought...
Your absence brought along alot of confusing questions... You are not here to ease my fears, to hug me, to tell me its all going to be okay because you will take care of me when I grow old...

And I am no longer able to even write coherently...
My mind and my soul are a jumbled piece of mess.

The sun continues to rise each day.
The globe continues to spin each second.
The world continues to function.
Nothing stops for you, or for me.

It doesnt matter that everyday, someone is dying of cancer.
A child. A father. A mother. A son. A daughter. A granddaughter, A grandson. A grandmother. A grandfather. A friend.

Everday, a new baby is born.
This is the rule of life.

A rule non of us ever got a say in.

Once upon a time, I was like everyone.
I had dreams, I had hopes. I had a meaning in life.

I am a mother. My life is to protect, nurture and love my babies.
The practical part of that meaning in life doesnt change for anyone.

We are all someone's child, someone's parent. We are here on earth, to receive the protection of our parents when we were defenseless and pay it forward to our children and the cycle continues...

However, that soulful, spiritual part of the meaning in life differs from people to people.

Once upon a time, I was blissful with innocence and a naive view of the world, and life itself...

Life was beautiful. No amount of hardship, or pain could take that away. I see the difficulties as challenges... never a problem... Everything that my eyes see were charming, beautiful, 'meaningful', wonderful and awesome.

I was hardly a broken soul. Divorce hurt me but it didnt break my soul.

Now, I am a broken soul with a broken heart.

My eyes are suddenly opened to all the pain, the suffering, the loss, the ridicule in life...

Oh my goodness, life is SO HORRIBLE.

I now have clear and unblocked visuals to both sides of the story, so to speak.
My happiness will never be the happiness like before...
My laughters will never be the same...
My joy will always bring along a tinge of sadness...
My smiles will always contain tears for the many kids who fought too hard to stay alive...

Is this what growing up entails?

Is this why when you look into the eyes of grandparents and you always find a tinge of sadness behind them?

Is this why adults can never feel as happy as a child?

Oh honey, mommy can go on and on with absolutely no answers.
Mommy will continue to breath in the air for you, feel almost okay for awhile and suddenly feel horrible next. Mommy will continue to live for you, and walk the rest of the journey for you, without you...

I will continue to cry, smile, and carry on life with your determination, with your strength... without you...

However, mommy will never recover, never forget the pain, never be able to smile as freely... because I am without you...

Sweetheart... You are the best baby anyone could have ever dreamed of. I got really lucky. THANK YOU.

I make you smile. You make me smile.

I love you sweetheart. I miss you.
YOU ARE THE BEST.

Kor Kor misses you too.

We will continue to live... despite the absurdity of everything...
See you soon...

Love,