Memories

THANK YOU to Uncle Charles for rushing this montage of my dearest child out within a day for the celebration of her life... (Cant get the vid to upload, will ask for help next time)

Dearest Child,

Precious precious memories...

All I have now are just memories...

Text messages you texted me...
Pictures...

Many many blood test results, culture results, many many X-rays of her tiny different body parts... many MRI pictures, ultrasound images, MIBG pictures, PET-CT images...

I reach out and all I touch is my computer screen, the feel of paper...

I stare at your Birth Certificate... your Death Certificate... All that is left is of a string of numbers that you once lived and is no longer living...

The greater the love, the greater the hurt...

Is that true?



Words truly cannot describe how my heart feels, how my soul yearns...
The sharpness of your absence, my child, seems to only get worse with each passing day.

I have cried, I have ached miserably for all the other children lost to this horrible disease...

And yet, the pain doesnt even come close to what my body experiences each day...

I always had no words to comfort the other families of their pain because I knew deep down inside that I will never be able to understand... Even when we have journeyed down the same path together, battling the same war for years...

Life is ironic in that way... baby...

Mommy always thought I could hurt no worse than what I was already feeling then.
Yet, life always proves me wrong.

Mommy thought when your father left us, that would have been the worst pain anyone could ever experience in their life and my heart had been strengthen beyond the hardness of steel and my heart was invincible...

I am terribly mistaken. Impossibly wrong.

That doesnt even touch the tip of my sorrow now.

When the continuous stream of bad news hit me one after another... my heart also gradually started building a remarkable wall of defense around it... I got into greater and greater despair with each crushing wave, feeling the gradual loss of my grip on your dear precious life, and yet somehow, my body reacted like a well-trained soldier. It sank deeper into despair but it also took a reversely equal proportional amount of time to bounce up.

I sense it, I feel it, I know it and I see it.
I bounce back. Quicker and quicker each time.
As the news got more and more dismayed...

The initial days since you earned your wings seemed relatively bearable. Almost easier to focus on you being pain-free and at peace...

But oh honey... life is such an irony...

Pain-free is good but love-free is not.
With love, comes pain.
With pain, comes love.

You no longer are in pain. You no longer are here to love.

I am relieved that you are no longer suffering.
But I am so empty without your love.

I need your love. But I dont want you to suffer.

I need you here with me but your body doesnt heal.

I know the choice was never mine to make...
Yet, it felt like I held the key.

I have to be the one to tell you to go even when every cell of my body scream NO!
NOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU BELONG HERE. IN MY ARMS.

I LOVE YOU. But WHY DO I HAVE TO LET YOU GO.
I LOVE YOU. Why does love hurt so much?
I LOVE YOU. And yet even love is not enough.

Someone said LOVE IS THE MOST POWERFUL MEDICINE that can perform miracles.
Our miracle didnt come.
Is my love not enough?

Darling, is it even possible to love you more now that you arent here?
I am suffering in the greatest amount of pain that I've ever experienced.
Yet, for the first time in my life, I am feeling the greatest amount of love I have ever felt for anyone.

Bittersweet.

Did I mention that I am starting to hate the theory of everything having equal opposing forces?

I DO.

I hate it because its true. And I hate to admit the truth in it.
I absolutely detest to glorify such a cruel journey in life with the amazing gifts it brings along.

I am horrified to acknowledge the goodness that has come out of your suffering.
It is beyond disgusting. And yet, it is beyond heartwarming.

What do I do? I am confused beyond my wildest imagination.

I HATE CANCER. But my eye is not blinded by the badness.


GRIEVE...
Sweetheart, I didnt google the meaning. I thought: "TO HELL WITH IT".

During your last couple of weeks on earth, I had deliberated countless times to read up on some DUMMY'S GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING THE LAST MOMENT SYMPTOMS.

BUT I coward out. I didnt dare and I thought: "TO HELL WITH IT".

I had googled, researched, downloaded and read countless of articles on therapies, conventional and alternative, miracle healing, clinical trials, hundreds of pages of too many journals of too many neuroblastoma kids...

Japan, Germany, US, China, England, Russia...

Its my way of life. To read, to learn, to educate myself, and hopefully to beat the crap out of cancer...

You would have assumed that mommy must be reading up on tons of Grieving Books...
Guess what? "NOPE".

I know the experts separate the entire process into different 'phases'...
Can I simply say that I dont know and I dont care???

I am not motivated to self-read and self-help myself.
In fact, I am pretty comfortable with sulking, crying, and just being plain negative about my entire life right now.

I MISS YOU TERRIBLY. I cry loads when I see your pictures and I cry loads when I think of you. I still cant quite get around the idea that you arent here anymore. What does it mean?

The permanence of your absence is a very painful and scary thought...
Your absence brought along alot of confusing questions... You are not here to ease my fears, to hug me, to tell me its all going to be okay because you will take care of me when I grow old...

And I am no longer able to even write coherently...
My mind and my soul are a jumbled piece of mess.

The sun continues to rise each day.
The globe continues to spin each second.
The world continues to function.
Nothing stops for you, or for me.

It doesnt matter that everyday, someone is dying of cancer.
A child. A father. A mother. A son. A daughter. A granddaughter, A grandson. A grandmother. A grandfather. A friend.

Everday, a new baby is born.
This is the rule of life.

A rule non of us ever got a say in.

Once upon a time, I was like everyone.
I had dreams, I had hopes. I had a meaning in life.

I am a mother. My life is to protect, nurture and love my babies.
The practical part of that meaning in life doesnt change for anyone.

We are all someone's child, someone's parent. We are here on earth, to receive the protection of our parents when we were defenseless and pay it forward to our children and the cycle continues...

However, that soulful, spiritual part of the meaning in life differs from people to people.

Once upon a time, I was blissful with innocence and a naive view of the world, and life itself...

Life was beautiful. No amount of hardship, or pain could take that away. I see the difficulties as challenges... never a problem... Everything that my eyes see were charming, beautiful, 'meaningful', wonderful and awesome.

I was hardly a broken soul. Divorce hurt me but it didnt break my soul.

Now, I am a broken soul with a broken heart.

My eyes are suddenly opened to all the pain, the suffering, the loss, the ridicule in life...

Oh my goodness, life is SO HORRIBLE.

I now have clear and unblocked visuals to both sides of the story, so to speak.
My happiness will never be the happiness like before...
My laughters will never be the same...
My joy will always bring along a tinge of sadness...
My smiles will always contain tears for the many kids who fought too hard to stay alive...

Is this what growing up entails?

Is this why when you look into the eyes of grandparents and you always find a tinge of sadness behind them?

Is this why adults can never feel as happy as a child?

Oh honey, mommy can go on and on with absolutely no answers.
Mommy will continue to breath in the air for you, feel almost okay for awhile and suddenly feel horrible next. Mommy will continue to live for you, and walk the rest of the journey for you, without you...

I will continue to cry, smile, and carry on life with your determination, with your strength... without you...

However, mommy will never recover, never forget the pain, never be able to smile as freely... because I am without you...

Sweetheart... You are the best baby anyone could have ever dreamed of. I got really lucky. THANK YOU.

I make you smile. You make me smile.

I love you sweetheart. I miss you.
YOU ARE THE BEST.

Kor Kor misses you too.

We will continue to live... despite the absurdity of everything...
See you soon...

Love,