Memories

Thursday, November 3, 2011

THANK YOU to Uncle Charles for rushing this montage of my dearest child out within a day for the celebration of her life... (Cant get the vid to upload, will ask for help next time)

Dearest Child,

Precious precious memories...

All I have now are just memories...

Text messages you texted me...
Pictures...

Many many blood test results, culture results, many many X-rays of her tiny different body parts... many MRI pictures, ultrasound images, MIBG pictures, PET-CT images...

I reach out and all I touch is my computer screen, the feel of paper...

I stare at your Birth Certificate... your Death Certificate... All that is left is of a string of numbers that you once lived and is no longer living...

The greater the love, the greater the hurt...

Is that true?



Words truly cannot describe how my heart feels, how my soul yearns...
The sharpness of your absence, my child, seems to only get worse with each passing day.

I have cried, I have ached miserably for all the other children lost to this horrible disease...

And yet, the pain doesnt even come close to what my body experiences each day...

I always had no words to comfort the other families of their pain because I knew deep down inside that I will never be able to understand... Even when we have journeyed down the same path together, battling the same war for years...

Life is ironic in that way... baby...

Mommy always thought I could hurt no worse than what I was already feeling then.
Yet, life always proves me wrong.

Mommy thought when your father left us, that would have been the worst pain anyone could ever experience in their life and my heart had been strengthen beyond the hardness of steel and my heart was invincible...

I am terribly mistaken. Impossibly wrong.

That doesnt even touch the tip of my sorrow now.

When the continuous stream of bad news hit me one after another... my heart also gradually started building a remarkable wall of defense around it... I got into greater and greater despair with each crushing wave, feeling the gradual loss of my grip on your dear precious life, and yet somehow, my body reacted like a well-trained soldier. It sank deeper into despair but it also took a reversely equal proportional amount of time to bounce up.

I sense it, I feel it, I know it and I see it.
I bounce back. Quicker and quicker each time.
As the news got more and more dismayed...

The initial days since you earned your wings seemed relatively bearable. Almost easier to focus on you being pain-free and at peace...

But oh honey... life is such an irony...

Pain-free is good but love-free is not.
With love, comes pain.
With pain, comes love.

You no longer are in pain. You no longer are here to love.

I am relieved that you are no longer suffering.
But I am so empty without your love.

I need your love. But I dont want you to suffer.

I need you here with me but your body doesnt heal.

I know the choice was never mine to make...
Yet, it felt like I held the key.

I have to be the one to tell you to go even when every cell of my body scream NO!
NOOOOOOOOOOO. YOU BELONG HERE. IN MY ARMS.

I LOVE YOU. But WHY DO I HAVE TO LET YOU GO.
I LOVE YOU. Why does love hurt so much?
I LOVE YOU. And yet even love is not enough.

Someone said LOVE IS THE MOST POWERFUL MEDICINE that can perform miracles.
Our miracle didnt come.
Is my love not enough?

Darling, is it even possible to love you more now that you arent here?
I am suffering in the greatest amount of pain that I've ever experienced.
Yet, for the first time in my life, I am feeling the greatest amount of love I have ever felt for anyone.

Bittersweet.

Did I mention that I am starting to hate the theory of everything having equal opposing forces?

I DO.

I hate it because its true. And I hate to admit the truth in it.
I absolutely detest to glorify such a cruel journey in life with the amazing gifts it brings along.

I am horrified to acknowledge the goodness that has come out of your suffering.
It is beyond disgusting. And yet, it is beyond heartwarming.

What do I do? I am confused beyond my wildest imagination.

I HATE CANCER. But my eye is not blinded by the badness.


GRIEVE...
Sweetheart, I didnt google the meaning. I thought: "TO HELL WITH IT".

During your last couple of weeks on earth, I had deliberated countless times to read up on some DUMMY'S GUIDE TO RECOGNIZING THE LAST MOMENT SYMPTOMS.

BUT I coward out. I didnt dare and I thought: "TO HELL WITH IT".

I had googled, researched, downloaded and read countless of articles on therapies, conventional and alternative, miracle healing, clinical trials, hundreds of pages of too many journals of too many neuroblastoma kids...

Japan, Germany, US, China, England, Russia...

Its my way of life. To read, to learn, to educate myself, and hopefully to beat the crap out of cancer...

You would have assumed that mommy must be reading up on tons of Grieving Books...
Guess what? "NOPE".

I know the experts separate the entire process into different 'phases'...
Can I simply say that I dont know and I dont care???

I am not motivated to self-read and self-help myself.
In fact, I am pretty comfortable with sulking, crying, and just being plain negative about my entire life right now.

I MISS YOU TERRIBLY. I cry loads when I see your pictures and I cry loads when I think of you. I still cant quite get around the idea that you arent here anymore. What does it mean?

The permanence of your absence is a very painful and scary thought...
Your absence brought along alot of confusing questions... You are not here to ease my fears, to hug me, to tell me its all going to be okay because you will take care of me when I grow old...

And I am no longer able to even write coherently...
My mind and my soul are a jumbled piece of mess.

The sun continues to rise each day.
The globe continues to spin each second.
The world continues to function.
Nothing stops for you, or for me.

It doesnt matter that everyday, someone is dying of cancer.
A child. A father. A mother. A son. A daughter. A granddaughter, A grandson. A grandmother. A grandfather. A friend.

Everday, a new baby is born.
This is the rule of life.

A rule non of us ever got a say in.

Once upon a time, I was like everyone.
I had dreams, I had hopes. I had a meaning in life.

I am a mother. My life is to protect, nurture and love my babies.
The practical part of that meaning in life doesnt change for anyone.

We are all someone's child, someone's parent. We are here on earth, to receive the protection of our parents when we were defenseless and pay it forward to our children and the cycle continues...

However, that soulful, spiritual part of the meaning in life differs from people to people.

Once upon a time, I was blissful with innocence and a naive view of the world, and life itself...

Life was beautiful. No amount of hardship, or pain could take that away. I see the difficulties as challenges... never a problem... Everything that my eyes see were charming, beautiful, 'meaningful', wonderful and awesome.

I was hardly a broken soul. Divorce hurt me but it didnt break my soul.

Now, I am a broken soul with a broken heart.

My eyes are suddenly opened to all the pain, the suffering, the loss, the ridicule in life...

Oh my goodness, life is SO HORRIBLE.

I now have clear and unblocked visuals to both sides of the story, so to speak.
My happiness will never be the happiness like before...
My laughters will never be the same...
My joy will always bring along a tinge of sadness...
My smiles will always contain tears for the many kids who fought too hard to stay alive...

Is this what growing up entails?

Is this why when you look into the eyes of grandparents and you always find a tinge of sadness behind them?

Is this why adults can never feel as happy as a child?

Oh honey, mommy can go on and on with absolutely no answers.
Mommy will continue to breath in the air for you, feel almost okay for awhile and suddenly feel horrible next. Mommy will continue to live for you, and walk the rest of the journey for you, without you...

I will continue to cry, smile, and carry on life with your determination, with your strength... without you...

However, mommy will never recover, never forget the pain, never be able to smile as freely... because I am without you...

Sweetheart... You are the best baby anyone could have ever dreamed of. I got really lucky. THANK YOU.

I make you smile. You make me smile.

I love you sweetheart. I miss you.
YOU ARE THE BEST.

Kor Kor misses you too.

We will continue to live... despite the absurdity of everything...
See you soon...

Love,

19 comments:

Eve said...

Hi Cyn,

You have expressed it very well. The ironic of life. You have said what I couldn't express in words.

But whatever it is, look on the bright side. You have loving parents and friends to support you when you feel weak. Their love and Jase's love give you strength to continue.

Just have to do your best. Cry if you must.... it is only natural.

Sadness aside, may be it would be good for you and Jase to take a short holiday break overseas? Afterall you have been working so so hard for the past two years eight months.

Give yourself a break. Recharge your energy and face the world again.......


Eve

Barbara Zobian, Candlelighters NYC said...

Oh Cyn, so much pain, so much suffering...and yet, so much love from these fantastic amazing children who teach us every day what life is about.
I love you with all my heart. I miss you
Barbara
Candlelighters NYC

Barbara Zobian, Candlelighters NYC said...

Oh Cyn, I love you beyond words...so much suffering and pain...I am so sorry, I pray so hard to find a cure, no more treatment, a cure.
Little Char brought us all so much happiness. Her smile made us smile. I miss her and the whole world misses her. But no one can miss her more than you, her Mommy.

Caroline said...

Cynthia, when there are no comments, it is not that there are no readers, but we are at loss of words. Each time I read your post, I really wish I can give you a big big hug. Then I thought many others would feel the same and how many strangers would you be able to hug?

Allow yourself to grief but stay strong not just for Charmaine and Jase but for your parents, your brother, Jolene, your friends, all your readers and most importantly for yourself. The world loves you.

"blog reader"

Frond Ferny said...

I saw an article in Asiaone last week and I came to your blog. It is absolutely heart-wrenching to read your family's struggles and fight with neuroblastoma. Throughout the posts I've read, Charmaine was a fighter and she was an absolute soldier, brave little girl! Mummy, even though you say you don't know where her strength came from (and you stated it wasn't from you), I do think it came from you. Humans are extraordinary beings and can find great strength in the face of strongest adversities. You have done so and I commend you highly for that. You have tried your best with Charmaine and she knows it. Regrets are normal...the inevitable "what-ifs" after a passing is normal. We always want to know what would happen if a little thing was changed. However, we won't know...or maybe, it would not have been better.

Please please take good care of yourself, Cyn. Writing on this blog seems to be a good outlet for you to pour out your emotions. The pain you feel is very raw and words cannot describe it. There will be times when it feels unreal but there will also be times where the reality sinks in so deeply that you feel the world is so dark. Please know that you have the support of many people. No one can take the memories you have from Charmaine away from you, they're yours forever to keep. Charmaine may be gone physically but you can always find her in your heart. She lives in there now.

Take care of yourself, Cyn, and Jase too.

Angel said...

despite all the adversities in life, continue to live strong. Be a supermum in the world of your little people.

Jiayou! Victory in life means never give up hope even when your road has ended, & destination reached. Because you can still be the light to lit up the path for the other passers-by.

2amYH said...

As you says, no words can comfort the pain you have, the misery you feel over the loss of your loved one. But, I still believed that because of your love, you have empowered your child with the miracle to fight numerous big small operations (how your child do it??? even adult like ourselves sometimes cannot survive even one like what your child has went through), and because of your loved, she has gained the wisdom and courage that even adult like us feel so much inferior to... And if you believed in re carnation, I believed one day both of you will continue the journey as daughter-mother relationship (whose knows what will happen next? Life is always so unpredictable..., so looking forward to)

It is true that grieve goes through different phases, just you think that you have go into the deepest and the most negative part of "THAT" phase, before you realizing what is happening next, things will turn around better for you. So, cry and sulk as much you want if that makes you feel better....Afterall, after two+ years of "insanity" rough going, it is time your body take a break before moving to a longer journey.

And always remembered, you have another part of your life waiting for your recovery of grieve. He is waiting patiently and going through the same grieving journey with you, and because of his age, he might not know how to express like you, but I believed he is not much better than you... So, you have an task: To get yourself better as well as to nurture and heal the other one.

And you are not alone, your family and friends are all behind you. And thousand of reader all over the world is also giving you support in one way or another... After you recover, you can think of how to put your 2year+ knowledge and experience into better use, and extend your child wisdom and courage to help and heal the numerous parent and child who are still in their journey of this horrible disease.

God Blessed you.

Working Mum, April Ong said...

Yes, memories are left and memories are precious and priceless. i may not know you, but i do feel for you, reading this blog. You are an amazing mother whereas Char was a strong girl for her age. My deepest condolences to you. I will not understand what you are going through right now, probably a hundred or thousand times more miserable that what i can imagine, but be assured that time will heal all pains, but the love and memories of your daughter will stay by your side forever.

Take your time to grieve, but yet remember to get back on your feet when the day comes. Though physically she would not be there for you to hug, to kiss or to hold, to laugh, to cry or to talk, i believe her soul will remain in your heart forever and that equates to her physical touch. I believe the reason why we feel so sad when someone dear to us has left us is because of the lack of physical touch. But again you should be relieved that she is now free from sufferings, free from pain. That should put some comfort in you. Everything happens for a reason, and eveything comes to an end one day. We must learn to accept them whether we like or not. Things are constanstly changing in this world,nothing remains the same forever.The mind is a very powerful tool, mould it into a way that works best for you. I believe life for you will be good one day.

To get over a painful experience is like crossing monkey bars, you need to let go at some time in order to move forward. I do hope that you will soon find your inner strength and power since you still have a young boy to look after. He will be looking up to you for love, guidance, protection and many more. All are not lost yet, right? :)Hugz.

With all good blessings

Working Mum, April Ong said...

Yes, memories are left and memories are precious and priceless. I may not know you, but i do feel for you, reading this blog. You are an amazing mother whereas Char was such strong girl. I cannot understand what you are going through right now, probably a hundred or thousand times more miserable than what i can imagine, but be assured that time will heal all pains but the love and memories of your daughter will remain in by your heart forever.
Take your time to grieve, but yet remember to get back on your feet when the time comes. Though you are not able to hold, to kiss, to hug, or to cry, to laugh, to talk to your baby, her soul will remain by your side forever, and that should equates to her physical touch. I guess the reason why we feel so sad when someone dear to us has left us is because of the lack of physical touch. Things are constanstly changing, nothing remains the same forever. Everything happens for a reason, we may or may not know and everything must come to an end one day. We should learn to accept them whether we like or not. The mind is a very powerful tool, mould it into the way it works best for you. I strongly believe life will be good for you one day.
To get over a painful experience is like crossing monkey bars, you need to let go at some time in order to move forward. I hope you will soon find your inner strength and power since you still have a young boy to look after. He will be looking up to you for love, guidance, protection and many more. All are not lost yet, right? :) Hugz.

With all good blessings

stacey said...

Ask yourself, what would Char say to you each time you feel down, then live with that answer. That's her gift to you. Blessings.

neverwillbealone said...

Cyn mommy, I've been through tough times but I do not dare compare with what you went through. But when times got so so so dark, that you cannot see tomorrow, cannot even see the next minute...tell yourself life is transient. We come into this world and no matter how good or bad, we will have to go. Hundreds of billion of people have stepped into this world and left, with different stories to tell. Do yourself a favor, and try to live this life as abundantly and with as much meaning as you can. Try to give love, try to smile, try being a good person and try to connect with God. Not trying to preach or come close to the idea of any religion here...but the general concept still remains- we are here, we live. We march on bravely until we are taken away from this earth. Be strong. Be tough because YOU HAVE TO BE AND YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.

glenn said...

when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Cyn, i doubt many people can truly say they understand what you have went through. Nevertheless, i believe Charmaine would want you to remember the good memories and continue being strong. please takecare.

Mama Joan said...

M at a loss of words and i dun know how to comfort you... But if you just need someone to listen or need help in any kind, do contact me at desjoan221101@yahoo.com.sg.

priash said...

Ur princess loved u more, as she fought her best to be with u but when she knew her monster are up again she saw ur, pain that little heart could bear it she started her travel to heaven.... Wanting u n her kor kor to be pain free she took upon this so that u will be better n to take care n love her kor kor even more now he needs it more that want ur Princess would want... Be strong mummy is words we can say but u r going through n will be its beyond any words that can repair ur heartache!

SH Loh said...

Hi Cyn,
After reading your blog, I am at a lost of words. Just want to give u a hug and say, "You are a great mother."

SH

Steven said...

cheer up....dun be so sad...cry out loud and let your sadness come out...
and you expressed the ironic of life greatly.... and allow yourself to stay stronger,u have us here.

Steven said...

cry out your sadness.....you have us around.....

Steven said...

cry out your sadness.....you have us around.....

neverwillbealone said...

What is Death?

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.

All is well.
~ Henry Scott Holland

 
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