Out of the woods again.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Hey everyone,

My sincere apologies. I know I've been out of action for more than a month. It's been a tough month with many ups and downs.

I sank into another bout of depression unexpectedly and it took me awhile to realise what had happened. The time off from everything has helped a little and I think I am ready to have another go at moving forward again.

March is also that time of the year where I am supposed to be one year older.

Just before my birthday and when I was grappling with my own emotions, I came across a paragraph in a fictional book I was reading which I like to share. It's nothing related to loss, just a simple romance novel and yet those words were jumping at me:-

"Forgive me for not being able to survive... and forgive yourself for surviving.
This is the life you were meant to have. Not a single day should be squandered."

These words brought me to tears and awakened me up. It is moment like this when you find it incredibly hard not to believe in the supernatural world, the heaven that people sing of, the existence of life beyond sciences.

Char char, it sounded like what you would say to mommy exactly... To say that it hit me at my core is an understatement.

You don't need forgiveness, my child. But how can mommy ever forgive myself for not saving you...

I love you so much. Nothing is the same without you. It still hurts. It still kills me to realise that you aren't here with me anymore... But there is nothing I can do about it. Absolutely nothing but a forced resignation to this unfair life that you have been given.

I yearn to dream of you daily but the few times I dreamed of you, you were stricken with disease... Why couldn't we even share a beautiful dream with no cancer, no pain and just happiness?

Still trying, still learning... I will get there, to our new normalcy and hopefully, it consists of many beautiful dreams of you.

I miss you more than I can ever imagine and wish that if there truly is heaven, you are happily doing everything you couldnt do on earth with me...

Love,
Cyn mommy

3 comments:

Mama Joan said...

Cyn, good to see you writing again. Yes, there is Heavens and i believe that lil' Char is enjoying herself up there, while looking out from the window and waiting for the reunion with you. In Heavens, there is only love and happiness.

Jia You, Cyn, you can do it...

To: Lil Char in Heavens,
A sweet angel like you always have been, sending encouraging words to your mummy when she needed a boost. How are you doing up in Heavens with God? Have you met my friend, Auntie Irene? Do give her a kiss when she misses her babies, ok? I miss you princess...

stacey said...

Dear Cyn, I hope these videos will inspire you in some way like a breath of fresh air.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7jFN9XQeEn4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87TRYkP2zBM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52QGhNGjLNQ

If you want more details, go for the book. It's available worldwide. http://www.amazon.com/Dying-To-Be-Me-Journey/dp/1401937519/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1332468825&sr=1-1

Blessings.

andromedaaiken said...

Hi Cyn, first of all, it's really good that you manage to be aware that you sank into depression. Awareness of that is important because it protects you from the nasties that come with having a major depressive episode. I really admire you for being so strong on the outside even though you're probably hurting very very deeply on the inside. It is possible to grieve/remember Char whilst being functional. If the depressive episodes get more frequent or if you feel alot worse than what you normally would, you might wish to consult a psychologist who will be able to help you.

Take care of yourself and send my love to Jasse. I'm sure he's a great source of comfort in these tough times.

 
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