Scan in less than 9hrs from now...
We just got home after spending 3 hours, gatecrashing and surprising Charlene at her wedding. I am glad I dragged myself there. I had been hesitant, fearing that Charmaine will be mindful that she has her plug on her hand. However, she was so excited when I mentioned to her about Charlene's wedding this evening. Seeing that the diarrhea got better, I decided that she will be able to decide if she wants to go out and celebrate it with her Char jie jie. Despite her fatigue, she wouldn't miss it for the world. :-)
I am so glad I dragged myself there. Frankly, almost ashamed of my own insanity and emotional wreck. But seeing how Char, despite her lethargy, still pushed on. I knew I should push on too. We went and both the kids had so much fun. Thankfully, I will have one less regret. I've always been kind of disappointed that I had missed Godma Jolene's wedding even though I know it was for the good of Charmaine.
Thank you to Charlene for accommodating us even on her big day! I am truly happy to witness this special day of a very special friend.
And of course, Godma Jolene for helping me with the kids. Otherwise, I might have tripped or embarrassed myself, given the fact that I am totally brain dead.
Anyhow, its back to reality again. I am so scared right now. I wish that tomorrow never comes. Can't believe that I would say that.
For the first time in 2 years, I am scare to face everything on my own...
What if I surprise even myself and faint on the spot in the room? What if I become hysterical and forget the way home?
I am so so scared. The fear is so real I can already feel my intestines knotting right now...
On the one hand, I keep forcing myself to calm down, breath and focus on next steps no matter what the outcome is but saying is easier than doing. My brain is not in control. My heart and my soul is. I am not a rational human being.
I am a MOTHER.
My job is to protect my babies and keep them safe from harm. Shelter them, love them and comfort them.
But I feel so helpless. :-( My despair, my fears and my anxiety have taken such a huge toll on my mind the past week. And it just keeps getting worse...
Pray for me, pray with me...
A part of me really wish that tomorrow never comes... Maybe End of the World isn't such a bad idea after all...
I am sorry this is so depressing. I can't help it...
Love,
Cyn mommy
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6 comments:
Hi there, I have been following your blog for a while.. I cant imagine what u r going thru but just wana say that u have been amazingly strong, positive & resilient for your kids & I so admire that. I pray for a favorable outcome for the scans & I pray that Charmaine & Jase both know deep in their heart of hearts what an awesome, loving & courageous Mom they have. The best Mom in the whole world for them! =) And I pray that you may all hear the tender heartbeat of your dearest Papa in Heaven as He holds you close to His heart. Know that there are many who wish you & your family the best & are rooting for you!
Blessings, Cheryl.
Jia You!!!
Hi Cyn. Would like to let u know, although few people seldom post comments but it doesn't mean we don't care or pray for Char. Everytime I look at my son Ill remember Char n think of how's she now. Think if she can go pri 1 next year. It's difficult to ask u to stop feeling n thinking. If u're scared, Char will be more scared Remember when god closed a door, there's a door open. Look beyond if possible. Be strong. Everyone has their difficulty in life although it wasn't written down. Just try your very best. Whether a sad or happy memory, it's precious so don't block away. It's a lesson or landmark to learn. Love, JH's & JM's Mother.
Hi Cyn. Would like to let u know, although few people seldom post comments but it doesn't mean we don't care or pray for Char. Everytime I look at my son Ill remember Char n think of how's she now. Think if she can go pri 1 next year. It's difficult to ask u to stop feeling n thinking. If u're scared, Char will be more scared Remember when god closed a door, there's a door open. Look beyond if possible. Be strong. Everyone has their difficulty in life although it wasn't written down. Just try your very best. Whether a sad or happy memory, it's precious so don't block away. It's a lesson or landmark to learn. Love, JH's & JM's Mother.
I have a young daughter myself and have been following your blog. Hope the scans came out fine.
Hugs. Take care and yes, will pray.
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