^^^Forever 6^^^

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Baby,

Good morning! Today is Saturday, 29th October 2011. You spell it as "O.C.T.O.B.E.R."

Darling, today is an extremely hard day for mommy. Our TV is on and Kor Kor went out to fly kite with uncle Paul and gang... So yeah, no one to fight over the TV channels with mommy. They brought Kor Kor out so that mommy can have a good rest but strangely, I just can't seem to fall asleep or even rest comfortably.

Last night Godma Jolene messaged mommy to say that she feels abnormal. Godma Alexis must be having a tough time too. Even 7 year old skyler jie jie has been crying too much... Kor Kor asked mommy this morning if we could go visit you tomorrow because he misses you a lot.

I just went out to make myself a glass of chrysanthemum tea hoping to soothe my throat... Hmm, unfortunately I still have my sexy voice and still sound like a frog croaking...

I tried calling out to you and just talking but it sounded too weird because of my horrible voice. You would have certainly asked mommy "Mama, why do you sound so funny?" And I would have answered: "Because mommy is sick and having a sore throat."

Finally, I decided to come here and write to you. The moment I started writing, my tears just flowed like a waterfall and I feel somewhat relieved. Otherwise, I honestly felt like I was either going to implode or explode. Baby, I swear that I am not even attempting to pretend to be strong or okay. I even consciously reminded myself to break down and let go if I have to... However, its as though I've suddenly gone from very strong, being in control of my body to completely losing control of my body and just weak...

Many a times, I find myself feeling a sudden breathlessness and is hyperventilating when I'm doing nothing. I could be standing in the middle of the shower and it just hits me like that. At that moment, fear creeps into my mind. I don't even know what I'm fearing of but I just feel that away. I had to quite literally stop whatever I was doing and tell myself to breath and relax... That sudden lost of control of my body freaks me out totally and It reminded me of all the times you have had felt that fear multiplied by a thousand more times compared to mine... The day you woke up to your lower body paralysis when you constantly asked mommy to touch and rub your toes because you couldn't feel them... When you asked me to move your legs when you couldn't... I couldn't even imagine the fear you must have felt when your lungs were compressed by all the blood in your plueral space and you couldn't breathe...

Throughout all those times, never once did you show fear in your eyes... Never did the fear and helplessness take away your smiles...

And here I am hyperventilating for god knows whatever reason and I am totally scared to sh*t. I am fearful because I don't know why my body is reacting this way... Almost like this isn't my body at all. Even when I was talking to Auntie Caroline yesterday, I found myself panting as though I had just ran a full 2.4km...

Thank you baby, for listening to mommy rant and whine. I feel better now. Did mommy tell you that I miss you lately? Did you know that when Kor Kor saw mommy writing the letter to you on the day you returned from the undertaker, he scolded mommy for writing too difficult words to you? He made mommy smile through my tears. He said: "If you write such difficult words, mei mei cannot understand at all. You must write simple words so mei mei can read..." Kor Kor knows you so well. I don't think I've ever witnessed greater sibling love than the love shared between you two. It's just so unfair that the sweetest, most beautiful love can't be everlasting...

Baby, I wanna complain again. :-) Did I tell you that I told por por not to wash any of your clothes, pillow cases and guess what, she took everything to wash... I'm just speechless... They were everything I have to remind me of your scent but now they are replaced by the detergent smell...

Actually when I was preparing the stuff to put besides you in the coffin, I wanted to keep almost everything with me... But the undertaker auntie said I definitely must put in the stuff you use everyday... Makes me sad because the stuff you used everyday were exactly the stuff I wanted to keep... Your favorite towel pillow, your Dora blanket that has travelled to NY and China with us... Your rainbow stripes jacket, your white jacket, your pink and white dresses you wore for your concert, your cream colored dress we bought for CNY this year... Your abercrombie purple shirt, your pink layered skirt, your green slacks... Your silver and gold shoes... Your schoolbag...

Honey, because of your leg pain, we will never know your actual height, the last time we measured your height was at least 6 months back and you grew - you were 106cm. I remembered you being thrilled. Thinking about your weight just pains me even more... Throughout the 2 years treatment, you have always defied the odds, when everyone was losing weight due to poor appetite, you were putting on weight. :-) the heaviest you ever weight was 17.9kg and in the last few months, you must have weighed less then 15kg...

Darling, everyone keep saying that you are in a better place now. Every time, I simply nod my head. But deep down inside, I can't say I agree. You know mommy right? Talk about rationality and lack of spiritual connection... :-) Sometimes, I wish to reply: "Have you been there and back? Otherwise, how would you know it's a better place? Besides, if it's truly a better place, shouldn't all of us be there now instead of here?" Nonetheless, the one thing I really wanted to say is: "It really doesn't matter where the place is, the only thing that truly matters is you should be besides your mommy me..."

It's just strange and odd that most of us are all fighting to stay alive in this 'not-so-good' place. The place can suck for all I care; it's the love that makes our lives meaningful, isn't it? Hence, whoever came up with that sentence for comfort is probably the most "lame" (in Jase's words) Haha.

Darling, I've been pondering a lot about life on the other side and it's just so tough... For the last 3years of our journey, I've been quite literally feeding myself with statistics, medical journals and clinical researches... Facts and numbers... Scientific advancement in cancer therapies... It's so much a part of my life now that I can safely say that I am more well-read and armed with more knowledge on first hand side effects than your average doctor... And all of a sudden, boom. The numbers, the researches, the facts, the statistical results all mean nothing. Like seriously, nothing. I find myself grasping at thin air, struggling to understand what transcendental losses are all about. Like I said sweetheart, it's really gotta be the toughest subject ever. I cannot connect with the other worldly you. I simply cannot even understand a single thing. Even though they are written and explained in the Queen's English I am taught in school... Nothing seems to make any sense at all...

However, I cannot stop wanting to know more. My hunger for knowledge that has kept us surviving all these while can't be switched off just like that. I still feel the need and urge to know but I can't... It frustrates me like I'm going around in circles... What is life? What makes it tick? What is the point of living when we all die at some stage? What is in our afterlife? Will we really get to meet again? But nothing will be the same even if we do meet, right? Why do we fight over silly things? Why can't people spend more money on cancer research when almost all of us will have cancer? What's the statistics? Like 1 in 4 I was told? So many questions darling...

Baby! LOVE YOUUUUUU!!!!

Char Char, one thing is for sure, I can't quit Pediatric cancer cold turkey. It might have been easier I guess. However, this medical world has been so much a part of our lives the last 3 years, we have made many friends and losing along with everyone else is simply too much... And I would truly regret your passing if I had chosen to steer clear, like you had wasted your life, your fight, your legacy...

Once I have recovered fully and gathered my thoughts, I would plan on our fight back.

I LOVE YOU BABY. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH BABY. MISSING YOU MORE THEN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.

Love,
Mommy

23 comments:

Momo said...

cynthia, i have a suggestion. for a direct role in pediatric oncology, have you considered graduate entry medicine in australia or the uk? no prior life sciences back ground required for admission.

christopher said...

I'm so so sorry for your loss. The pain you feel must be unbearable at times but please stay strong for Jase....God bless you all.

Cyn Puan said...

Hi Cyn pls take care. I know is tough and we as outsiders wld't able to understand how you feel totally BUT we all are here for you and your boy.
Is good tat you write it down daily how you miss Char let your emotion out rather then keeping inside you.
Jia you Jia you Jia you!!!!

Love fm Cyn Puan

Cyn Puan said...

Hi Cyn pls take care. I know is tough and we as outsiders wld't able to understand how you feel totally BUT we all are here for you and your boy.
Is good tat you write it down daily how you miss Char let you emotion out rather then keeping inside you.
Jia you Jia you Jia you!!!!

Love fm Cyn Puan

Cyn Puan said...

Hi Cyn pls take care. I know is tough and we as outsiders wld't able to understand how you feel totally BUT we all are here for you and your boy.
Is good tat you write it down daily how you miss Char let you emotion out rather then keeping inside you.
Jia you Jia you Jia you!!!!

Love fm Cyn Puan

MissyRed said...

Hi Cynthia,
one cannot even begin to imagine your loss but I think you are very strong despite the absence of your most precious in your life right now. I am a medical student and if i may so boldly add that doctors are sometimes helpless especially when medical science has not caught up yet or therapies have not been developed. Yes, it would be wonderful for all that pharmaceutical money to go into cancer research but sadly that will never be the case especially for very rare cancers because the reality is that's not where all the money making is to be had. You could do so much with regards to helping other children with similar conditions to Charmaine. It is clear to see that your medical knowledge is broad and extensive from your use of a stethescope and use of words like "pleural space" etc. you know your stuff. Lastly, if you were interested you could be a doctor. I am serious when I say that there are many post graduate medical degrees out there if you want to pursue it. Australian universities being closest to Singapore with Aussie universities like Monash, Flinders, Melbourne uni, UNSW and Sydney Uni offering a post-grad mbbs degree. You can enroll in these courses as long as you have had a previous bachelor's degree (even if it is not science for alot of the unis) and take the relevant entry tests. If finance and circumstance permitting, you might want to become a doctor- specialising in childhood cancers even! You will then be a great doctor who understands the needs of patients and their families as well as know the daily difficulties that doctors face and the dilemmas that they are often subjected to. Last but not least, good luck with life and also may you and Jase find the strength to carry on.

Olivia Judithe said...

If it hurts us outsiders so much, it must hurt so much more for you, Cyn Mama. There will come a point in life where we will constantly question our existence and its purpose. We have no answer. But in Christianity, we believe that the pure of heart go to heaven early so they don't have to suffer the evils of the world. I guess although Char Char had suffered so much pain when she was alive, she has gained eternal happiness, instead of us mortals who are never contented, happy, thus inflicting sufferings on ourselves. Please take care. Is it possible to post a slideshow of Char Char's photos? I miss her so much.

Siti said...

I cried and feel for you for the loss of your child.I have two boys myself and it pains me to imagine a day without them.Please be strong as you have been for the past years loving and caring for precious Charmaine....

Hugh Lim said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ivy Qiu said...

Hi Cynthia,

Maybe you can consider a career change to become a nurse? You can then work in a pediatric ward and maybe even in a ward specialising in pediatric oncology. I was attached to a HD Oncology ward when I was still a student and I loved it. Given that you have gone through so much, I believe that you will be able to care for the patients with as much love as you have for Charmaine and parents will be glad to have you helping them.

Although this will make you have to relive your pain everyday, I trust that Charmaine will want you to be there to help other patients like herself....

Mommy of 2 said...

Cyn mommy, I want to thank you & applaud you for being so honest & real in your pain & struggle. I can't even begin to comprehend what you went through and are going thro. I think it's good that you are able to articulate your pain & tears in words altho no word would ever describe the pain you feel inside. I know many people ask you to be strong for Char, Jase and your sakes but I want to give you a big hug and tell you it's ok to feel weak & whine& complain becos it is necessary part of the grieving & healing process.

I went to Char's wake last Sat with Serene & Kelly (whose daughter passed away 2 years ago) from NUH Children Cancer Ward. I don't know you personally but I've been following your blog now & then in the 2+ years of your journey. You are one amazing woman! Char is very blessed to have you as her mommy just as you are to have her as your daughter. I would like to extend my hand of friendship to you & take you & Jase out for some relax time such as a meal or movie etc, if you are comfortable with the idea. A shoulder for you to cry on when you need, no qns asked no dispensing advice to you on how you should feel or not feel, just being there for you when you need a pair of ears or shoulder. Pls know that you are not obliged to say yes & if you say no, it's ok. I will still cont to read your blog and support you on your blog.

Take care!
Diana (emmamamee@yahoo.com.sg)

stacey said...

Dr. Raymond Moody devoted his whole life researched topics related to near death experience, if there is life after death. http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/life-after-life/
He is the author of several best selling books: Life After Life,The Light Beyond,Glimpses of Eternity Mind Body Spirit) etc. Hope his video can enlighten you in some way. Blessings.

Yu En and family said...

Dearest Char's mummy,

I am so sorry to hear of Char's passing. I could not make it for the last volunteer session at KK as I was too sick.

I would like to give you a gigantic hug for your loss and pay respects to Char. Please advise on contact details.

Lay Choon (the volunteer at KK who loves arts and crafts with Char)...
licun@hotmail.com

Jolene Lee said...

Hug Jase whenever u need strength.

For the sake of Jase (whom u love as much as Char), your parents (who love u as much as u love Char) and your brother (who love u like Jase to Char), live well.

Jolene Lee said...

Hug Jase whenever u need strength.

For the sake of Jase (whom u love as much as Char), your parents (who love u as much as u love Char) and your brother (whose love for u is like Jase to Char), live well.

Yu En and family said...

Hi Char's mummy,

I'm Lay Choon, the volunteer at KK who loves to do arts & crafts with Char. I am so sorry to hear that Char has left us - she was such a joy and I wish that my daugter had a chance to meet her. Do let me know how you are doing.

stacey said...

Life After Death: Answers and Peace of Mind by Dr. Raymond Moody. http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/14126179

Angel said...

When one is sad, one must cry. It is a channel of self-relief or self-help.

We must never forget the good & bad times, & treasure them deeply in heart. But from there onwards, it is time to move on. Not because one is ungrateful, or unappreciative, but rather because you are still the heroine in 1 kid's world.
It is the right time to teach him about hope, positivity, inspiration & fighting for a better future. I must say you are fantastic mom, so lets drop the melancholy, embrace the world again with a smile. You & Char have taught us the meaning of unconditional love!

Happy mother said...

Jia you, Cyn. Treat this as a way to communicate with Charmaine. I'm sure she can read you, understand you and feel you. Give yourself time, lots of time to heal emotionally and physically. Find things to do when you have recovered from cough. Jia you, you have been doing great.

Hugs,
Phyllis

mamabumperbee said...

Mommy Cyn,
yes, u are rite.nobody knows if Char is in a better place, but one thing for sure, she is painless now.
only those who are alive and misses her are in pain. Cyn, just cry all out if you need, dont bottle it up.
i dreamt of Lil Char ytd nite, the feeling is weird but sweet. She was in her pink and white PJ and smiling sweetly and singing to me :)

Chue Wah said...

HUGs.......

Chue Wah said...

HUG.......

Jacintha said...

Stay strong. Though we will never be able to understand how you feel, but I believe many people are here to support you.
Take care and god bless :)

 
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