^^^Forever 6^^^

Baby,

Good morning! Today is Saturday, 29th October 2011. You spell it as "O.C.T.O.B.E.R."

Darling, today is an extremely hard day for mommy. Our TV is on and Kor Kor went out to fly kite with uncle Paul and gang... So yeah, no one to fight over the TV channels with mommy. They brought Kor Kor out so that mommy can have a good rest but strangely, I just can't seem to fall asleep or even rest comfortably.

Last night Godma Jolene messaged mommy to say that she feels abnormal. Godma Alexis must be having a tough time too. Even 7 year old skyler jie jie has been crying too much... Kor Kor asked mommy this morning if we could go visit you tomorrow because he misses you a lot.

I just went out to make myself a glass of chrysanthemum tea hoping to soothe my throat... Hmm, unfortunately I still have my sexy voice and still sound like a frog croaking...

I tried calling out to you and just talking but it sounded too weird because of my horrible voice. You would have certainly asked mommy "Mama, why do you sound so funny?" And I would have answered: "Because mommy is sick and having a sore throat."

Finally, I decided to come here and write to you. The moment I started writing, my tears just flowed like a waterfall and I feel somewhat relieved. Otherwise, I honestly felt like I was either going to implode or explode. Baby, I swear that I am not even attempting to pretend to be strong or okay. I even consciously reminded myself to break down and let go if I have to... However, its as though I've suddenly gone from very strong, being in control of my body to completely losing control of my body and just weak...

Many a times, I find myself feeling a sudden breathlessness and is hyperventilating when I'm doing nothing. I could be standing in the middle of the shower and it just hits me like that. At that moment, fear creeps into my mind. I don't even know what I'm fearing of but I just feel that away. I had to quite literally stop whatever I was doing and tell myself to breath and relax... That sudden lost of control of my body freaks me out totally and It reminded me of all the times you have had felt that fear multiplied by a thousand more times compared to mine... The day you woke up to your lower body paralysis when you constantly asked mommy to touch and rub your toes because you couldn't feel them... When you asked me to move your legs when you couldn't... I couldn't even imagine the fear you must have felt when your lungs were compressed by all the blood in your plueral space and you couldn't breathe...

Throughout all those times, never once did you show fear in your eyes... Never did the fear and helplessness take away your smiles...

And here I am hyperventilating for god knows whatever reason and I am totally scared to sh*t. I am fearful because I don't know why my body is reacting this way... Almost like this isn't my body at all. Even when I was talking to Auntie Caroline yesterday, I found myself panting as though I had just ran a full 2.4km...

Thank you baby, for listening to mommy rant and whine. I feel better now. Did mommy tell you that I miss you lately? Did you know that when Kor Kor saw mommy writing the letter to you on the day you returned from the undertaker, he scolded mommy for writing too difficult words to you? He made mommy smile through my tears. He said: "If you write such difficult words, mei mei cannot understand at all. You must write simple words so mei mei can read..." Kor Kor knows you so well. I don't think I've ever witnessed greater sibling love than the love shared between you two. It's just so unfair that the sweetest, most beautiful love can't be everlasting...

Baby, I wanna complain again. :-) Did I tell you that I told por por not to wash any of your clothes, pillow cases and guess what, she took everything to wash... I'm just speechless... They were everything I have to remind me of your scent but now they are replaced by the detergent smell...

Actually when I was preparing the stuff to put besides you in the coffin, I wanted to keep almost everything with me... But the undertaker auntie said I definitely must put in the stuff you use everyday... Makes me sad because the stuff you used everyday were exactly the stuff I wanted to keep... Your favorite towel pillow, your Dora blanket that has travelled to NY and China with us... Your rainbow stripes jacket, your white jacket, your pink and white dresses you wore for your concert, your cream colored dress we bought for CNY this year... Your abercrombie purple shirt, your pink layered skirt, your green slacks... Your silver and gold shoes... Your schoolbag...

Honey, because of your leg pain, we will never know your actual height, the last time we measured your height was at least 6 months back and you grew - you were 106cm. I remembered you being thrilled. Thinking about your weight just pains me even more... Throughout the 2 years treatment, you have always defied the odds, when everyone was losing weight due to poor appetite, you were putting on weight. :-) the heaviest you ever weight was 17.9kg and in the last few months, you must have weighed less then 15kg...

Darling, everyone keep saying that you are in a better place now. Every time, I simply nod my head. But deep down inside, I can't say I agree. You know mommy right? Talk about rationality and lack of spiritual connection... :-) Sometimes, I wish to reply: "Have you been there and back? Otherwise, how would you know it's a better place? Besides, if it's truly a better place, shouldn't all of us be there now instead of here?" Nonetheless, the one thing I really wanted to say is: "It really doesn't matter where the place is, the only thing that truly matters is you should be besides your mommy me..."

It's just strange and odd that most of us are all fighting to stay alive in this 'not-so-good' place. The place can suck for all I care; it's the love that makes our lives meaningful, isn't it? Hence, whoever came up with that sentence for comfort is probably the most "lame" (in Jase's words) Haha.

Darling, I've been pondering a lot about life on the other side and it's just so tough... For the last 3years of our journey, I've been quite literally feeding myself with statistics, medical journals and clinical researches... Facts and numbers... Scientific advancement in cancer therapies... It's so much a part of my life now that I can safely say that I am more well-read and armed with more knowledge on first hand side effects than your average doctor... And all of a sudden, boom. The numbers, the researches, the facts, the statistical results all mean nothing. Like seriously, nothing. I find myself grasping at thin air, struggling to understand what transcendental losses are all about. Like I said sweetheart, it's really gotta be the toughest subject ever. I cannot connect with the other worldly you. I simply cannot even understand a single thing. Even though they are written and explained in the Queen's English I am taught in school... Nothing seems to make any sense at all...

However, I cannot stop wanting to know more. My hunger for knowledge that has kept us surviving all these while can't be switched off just like that. I still feel the need and urge to know but I can't... It frustrates me like I'm going around in circles... What is life? What makes it tick? What is the point of living when we all die at some stage? What is in our afterlife? Will we really get to meet again? But nothing will be the same even if we do meet, right? Why do we fight over silly things? Why can't people spend more money on cancer research when almost all of us will have cancer? What's the statistics? Like 1 in 4 I was told? So many questions darling...

Baby! LOVE YOUUUUUU!!!!

Char Char, one thing is for sure, I can't quit Pediatric cancer cold turkey. It might have been easier I guess. However, this medical world has been so much a part of our lives the last 3 years, we have made many friends and losing along with everyone else is simply too much... And I would truly regret your passing if I had chosen to steer clear, like you had wasted your life, your fight, your legacy...

Once I have recovered fully and gathered my thoughts, I would plan on our fight back.

I LOVE YOU BABY. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO MUCH BABY. MISSING YOU MORE THEN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.

Love,
Mommy