Video Memories of Charmaine

Dear readers,

Happy Monday!

We would like to share some videos taken last year with all of you who are still reading.

Please view it on a new youtube window as I do not know how to resize the width to fit into this blog post.

Godma Jolene

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These videos were taken in June 2011. Uncle Christopher has kindly sponsored a few days stay at Festive Hotel as a reward for Charmaine for having undergone a major surgery in May 2011. It was also an advanced birthday gift for Charmaine.


~*"Interview" on the couch*~



Some of Little Charmaine's cute antics were captured in this video when she was supposedly watching tv. She did not know that she was being filmed.

Note: I do not know how to edit videos so I'm uploading the raw files as they are.

For some noteworthy moments, you may scroll to:
- 0:28
Some cute actions of Char

- 3:00
Godma Jolene and Uncle Charles disturbed Charmaine with some questions to add more sounds and actions into the video. Charmaine didn't actually know she was being filmed.

- 4:07
Uncle Charles revealed to Charmaine that he was afraid Charmaine wouldn't like him based on his looks and hear what she had to say. So cute!


~*Do you know who is the richest man in the world?*~



Some of Little Charmaine's cute antics were captured in this video when Uncle Charles was behind the camera "interviewing" her. He was asking her philosophical questions which she didn't quite understand even upon explaining. Both of us tried explaining to her in very simple terms and she still seemed lost. Nonetheless I find it very meaningful and worth sharing.

PS: Pardon Charle's command of English. He is Chinese/Hokkien educated. =P


~*Thank you Uncle Christopher*~



Those few days were one of her happiest moments. As you know, Charmaine simply loves Sentosa, Universal Studios and their roller coasters as well as the simulated beach pool at Hard Rock Hotel. Everything combined during that few days stay indeed made her one very happy girl despite all the pain she was suffering from. — at Hotel Michael Resort World Sentosa Island


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These videos were taken on the night of 14 July 2011 which was Charmaine's actual birthday.

Godpa kh and Godma Jolene brought Cyn mommy and the kids to a very deserted place in Singapore to release their wishes into the sky. It was the first time the kids would be doing this and they did not quite know what to expect.

Charmaine was growing weaker by the week and I wanted her to experience a whole new way of making wishes which I was quite certain would bring her joy and hope.


~*Releasing Wish Lanterns on Charmaine's Birthday*~



Video description:
After a long time trying to get the "fuel" to light, we finally succeeded in releasing the green wish lantern into the sky.
"Make the wish come true please" uttered by Charmaine at 0:28 brought a little wrench in my heart whenever I watch this after she is gone.


~*What Charmaine Likes about the Wish Lanterns*~

Video description:
In this video, Cyn mommy was asking Charmaine what exactly she enjoyed about the whole wish lantern experience. She answered that it was mainly the drawing.

Charmaine was undoubtedly very tired even as she lay on her stroller and watch the lantern slowly disappear among the stars. Nonetheless we could all tell that she was really happy for that whole moment of seeing her lantern taking along her wishes with it.

~*Talkative Char Char*~



Video description:
In this video, we released Charmaine's pink lantern. The video is about 5 minutes long with majority of it capturing the gradual floating of lantern up into the sky.
Scroll and listen to what Charmaine had to say from 0:15 -- 0:45, 3:46 -- end
PS: To clarify what Char said, I did not "cancel" my work. lol... Those days were either my off days or else then I took time off or leave.

I found a connection to Char - reading!

I love reading! Reading makes me cry, feel anger, frustration, sadness. But above all, reading never fail to make me smile and feel happy. Reading is a habit I picked up while in NYC caring for Char and Jase. I would never imagine myself ever saying such words when I was younger but I am now - I truly love books! My love for reading is a precious gift that Char has left for me. Every book I read since the first book always has something that reminds me of Char. The connection I feel with Char is so close through the books. Every so often, a phrase or a paragraph would jump out at me making me relish Char's love as though she has never been apart from me even for a moment. The reason we start things is rarely the reason we continue them. I started reading because it was one of the few things I could do while fighting the beast daily. And it has now become my connection to my little girl. Through the words, I am constantly reminded of her love for me. Thank you my little princess. I love you. I miss you and YES, I am gonna freaking try to be happy like you do! 

Love,
Cyn mommy

Out of the woods again.

Hey everyone,

My sincere apologies. I know I've been out of action for more than a month. It's been a tough month with many ups and downs.

I sank into another bout of depression unexpectedly and it took me awhile to realise what had happened. The time off from everything has helped a little and I think I am ready to have another go at moving forward again.

March is also that time of the year where I am supposed to be one year older.

Just before my birthday and when I was grappling with my own emotions, I came across a paragraph in a fictional book I was reading which I like to share. It's nothing related to loss, just a simple romance novel and yet those words were jumping at me:-

"Forgive me for not being able to survive... and forgive yourself for surviving.
This is the life you were meant to have. Not a single day should be squandered."

These words brought me to tears and awakened me up. It is moment like this when you find it incredibly hard not to believe in the supernatural world, the heaven that people sing of, the existence of life beyond sciences.

Char char, it sounded like what you would say to mommy exactly... To say that it hit me at my core is an understatement.

You don't need forgiveness, my child. But how can mommy ever forgive myself for not saving you...

I love you so much. Nothing is the same without you. It still hurts. It still kills me to realise that you aren't here with me anymore... But there is nothing I can do about it. Absolutely nothing but a forced resignation to this unfair life that you have been given.

I yearn to dream of you daily but the few times I dreamed of you, you were stricken with disease... Why couldn't we even share a beautiful dream with no cancer, no pain and just happiness?

Still trying, still learning... I will get there, to our new normalcy and hopefully, it consists of many beautiful dreams of you.

I miss you more than I can ever imagine and wish that if there truly is heaven, you are happily doing everything you couldnt do on earth with me...

Love,
Cyn mommy

A day where joy meets tears and love meets pain

It's been a day of many life experiences. 

1. Joy of growing up. Golf lessons with Jase. Seeing his pride and happiness. 

2. Vulnerability of life in sickness. Been 2 years since I last stepped into NUH. Yet, I rem almost every corner and all the memories started flooding back. Char, you are everywhere. I don't know how I did it but I know you are watching over me. In ICU, even his panting is as painful to watch as though I was watching yours... I didn't know what to say but I know I need to be there... 

3. Perfect union in love. Wedding of Uncle Charles n Ai Li Jie Jie. Such a beautiful moment. Char, it's ridiculous but I had a fleeting thought wondering how it would have felt if I am the mother marrying you off... Love is so magical. 

4. Deterioration of the human body in old age. Saw Mr Chiam ST at wedding. So frail, so helpless and yet such passion for life.

Today is a day filled with varied and extreme emotions. What remains unchanged is my love for you, my princess. And how much I miss you. I survive another day! I laugh, love and live. 

Love,
Cyn mommy

Someone smiling, someone crying...

Having a heavy heart. Another warrior is fighting for his life in the ICU. Another helpless mom and dad. Feels like asking for prayers for the family but at the end of day... What the HELL can prayers do. Absolutely nothing.

I am sitting here at the driving range, looking at all the happy kids swinging their golf clubs and happy parents chatting around, blessed and oblivious to the pain and misery happening a few miles away. When Jase finishes his lessons, I will hear him talk happily of how good he is and I will smile and tell him "You are awesome!" But deep down inside, my heart is wrenching with sadness and just questions... 

How is it that we are capable of moving forward despite how impossible it may seem and how unwilling and reluctant we are... Is this a natural gift that we are all born with. Or is it more of a curse?

I am walking on a fine thread, between 2 completely different worlds and I struggle to balance daily. In some ways, I don't know where I belong to. Jumping from one to another, in and out... It's confusing and it's physically and mentally draining. A close friend said it's the universe preparing me for something bigger. But what and why.

Tonight, another of Charmaine's good friends - Uncle Charles and Ai Li Jie Jie are getting married. Jase and I are all excited about the wedding dinner. I am sure we will have fun and I will even marvel at the beauty of love and life.

I will applaud and smile heartily on this special day for them. But tonight, I will also be thinking of a teenage boy fighting for his life...

Happiness and sadness surround us in this world. Someone is dying and someone is welcoming a new life somewhere.

What are we all living for? Both the pain and the love. Both the happiness and the sadness. Both the laughters and the tears...

I can't protect myself from the misery. Neither can I protect my kids from this world's sufferings...

I can only hope that I have given them enough joy, happiness and love to weather through all the miseries, sufferings and pain.

For some, today will mark one of their happiest days in their lives... For others, today will be one of their toughest days in their lives...

For my dear friend who is struggling with one of the toughest decision to make for her child, I say "Trust yourself. A mother knows best. We are made that way. To take on all the sh*t even when you refuse to. To survive even when you just want to give up. To smile even when the tears are flowing. To love even when it doesn't make sense."

Dearest Char, I love you more everyday. And I miss you so much it's crazy. You are everywhere with me. I didn't really believe it but it seems true. I can feel you smiling sweetly besides me when I am happy. I can hear you cheering me on when I needed a boost. You are amazing. People seems to be right even when they seemed so wrong to me initially. Is it really possible that we are all growing almost the same way despite different experiences? Sorry baby girl, mommy is rambling again. :-)

Did I tell you lately that I love you? :-)

Love,
Cyn