Hello 2010!

Happy New Year to all my family, friends, benefactor, doctors and nurses, neighbours, ex-colleagues, school mates, old pals, readers and everyone that has crossed paths with me in one way or another. (Importance of each is equal and not by chronological order)

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I'm praying that you are happy and healthy.

Another year has passed, another chapter closed, another digit to add to our numerical age.
What does it mean to you? I was asked last December if 2009 Christmas meant any thing different to me compared to previous years' Christmases. If after going through an experience as close as it gets to life and death and yet not be moved, I could hardly think of myself as a human, can I?

I love life and friends would justify that few can beat me to my passion in life. And I am gifted with 2 precious lives, witnessing them growing each day with me... nothing beats that joy. As for death, its not something I take lightly. Not even for mere strangers. Each time I read updates of other neuroblastoma kids who earned their angel wings, or hear about the lost battles of other cancer kids, I will tear and sob and it just gets me more depressed than ever. Hence, I rarely dare to read about what others are enduring because my heart is too weak and my mind always gives way and crumbles down.

I have not been blogging for a long time. One excuse is that the internet connection is kind of crappy. One reason is because I feel numb and uncontrollable sadness always overwhelms me whenever I type. So I rather google about recipes to cook or just simply stay away from my laptop. Whatever it takes to keep that sadness and negativity away.

So back to the new year and what it means to you or me! I welcome 2010 with my 2 lovely babies and 2 very good friends and we kind of slept the countdown away. Haha. Yes, we just spent the 2 days camped in Ray and Orathai's place, doing minimal things except to eat and sleep.

Do you measure the significance of a new year by the milestone to be achieved in that year or by the aging of your numerical age (like I used to do - turning 30 soon!) or just simply the new resolutions to be completed? From this year and the every new year onwards, I measure it by the number of years Charmaine is in remission! And thats the significance of that entire year for me.

Crossing 2010 is no longer about how I am going to have a blast celebrating my 30th birthday. Nor it is about my new IC picture. Neither is it about Jase's Primary 1 registration. It is all about being alive and staying alive as long as possible from 2009! When I awoke to the message tone on my cell once the clock striked 12, I am elated because its 2010 and I have all the people I love surrounding me! I am so obsessed with that 4 digits number that we use as an unit of measurement for a year in human's definition that I wish I can just fast-forward it to 2055 right now! Even at the expense of me aging exponentially. Because it would simply mean that Charmaine is 50 years old and I can maybe start to relax and not be on my toes about her health constantly! By than I would be ermm... 75 years old and closer to my own resting ground perhaps!

Whatever your resolution may be for 2010, please be reminded not to forget about your health and your happiness.

Before I end this short entry, I have some of Charmaine's memorable quotes to share with you and hopefully make your day!

Quote 1:

Char: Mommy, I want to come out first like Jase Jase!
I dont want to be second!!!
I also want to have my birthday before Kor Kor!

Quote 2:
(Both Jase and me are born in the year of Monkey for the chinese zodiac calendar.)

Char: I dont want to be a rooster! I want to be a monkey also! I am a monkey!

Quote 3:
(This happened yesterday night during our dinner at RMH's Dining Room, with one of the staff, Michael whom is black. Char and Michael were having a conversation between themselves away from our table and when I heard Michael saying, "I am borned this way', I knew what my little girl had asked!)

Char: Uncle Michael, why are you black?
Why is your skin black color?
Only your hand is white.

(Imagine my emabarrassment! Thankfully Michael is understanding! Phew! Michael always laughs big time whenever he hears the kids calling him "UNCLE MICHAEL" from afar. I only realised that he was puzzled by the endearment the kids called him. He went to ask a Taiwanese family here, "why do they always call me Uncle? I am not their uncle!" HAHA.)

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Another NB mom in Singapore wrote me this in her email to me and I would like to share this as well...

"If you think about it, we'll always cross the hurdles, be it easily, or with some difficulties, be it alone or with some help from good Samaritans." - B.T.

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Elizabeth's dad, George wrote this in his latest updates on her daughter's fight with NB and recounted how a friend whom had just lost his son to Neuroblastoma in Nov '09 is now diagnosed with cancer himself and fighting for his own life barely months after the lose of their son.

"I hate Cancer! Iwatch it affect people as it hits them like a steam roller. It shows no mercy... no regard for feeling or emotions. It does not slow down when you are too tired to fight or to help a loved one fight... it does not care if it is getting in the way of birthdays, holidays... life. It steals lives, precious lives that could have made a much needed change in our world. I have seen it bring out the very best and the very worst in people. To be such a very fundamentally simple malfunction of otherwise normal cells... it complicates even the most innocent of lives in a relentlessly complicated way. It devours joy and normalcy, replacing them with pain, sorrow and loss beyond belief.

Be thankful for your life today, for your health and the ones you love..." - George Westberry

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Remember to smile and be happy... A brand new year, lets all start it right!

Love,
Cyn mommy, Jase and Charmaine.
PS: We love you all!