Knee Pain...

Have you voted today?

http://www.refresheverything.com/armswideopenchildhoodcancerfoundation

After spending almost an entire day at the hospital today and finally completing all my chores, I decided to use whatever energy I have left in me to remind you to vote.

How do I begin today's post? I suppose I have alot to update but yet nothing is meaningful in the whole lot I have to write about.

My facebook status pretty much summaries up my rather drained and long friday~

the getting worse knee pain, a more than 3hrs MRI today, a swollen knee, a CT bombshell - saw some tissues on liver, an emergency MRI of liver ordered on Monday and still no plans... thats how our friday went. Please help us make it better by voting. http://www.refresheverything.com/armswideopenchildhoodcancerfoundation
With cancer still in Charmaine's body, after 13 cycles of chemo and more to come, we need better and less toxic therapies. With time and funding being our biggest obstacles, your vote today means a chance of living longer for kids like Charmaine... thank you everyone.

From last week till this week, its 2 weeks, 10 working days of scans which revealed the need for more scans and more scans... and we are not even done yet...

Apparently this week's CT scan of her abdoman revealed some soft tissues on her liver. Well, no one called me. I wasnt informed. And today, it was only made known to me after I saw Dr Kushner and ran after him, telling him that Charmaine's knee pain seems to be getting worse again...

He asked if I was aware that they saw something on her liver and they have ordered an emergency MRI of her liver on Monday. NO. I DIDNT KNOW.

Am I still alive? Ya, I think I am. As a matter of fact, I didnt even cry. Maybe I'm just too tired. I've been up since 5am this morning. I think I'm void of emotions almost entirely. I didnt think that I even reacted to the news at all. I thought I felt my heart sank but I wasnt sure either. I just functioned on th basis of completing one chore after another. I brought Jase and Charmaine home at about 2pm and than I realised that they forgot to de-access or pull up the needle in her port. I decided to feed the kids lunch before I bring her back to the hospital again.

Everyone is just plain exhuasted from being at the hospital since 7am...

It is only now that I could feel the tears flow down my cheeks. I think I am actually glad that now I can be certain I am still alive and I am still human.

Nothing is actually registering in my head now. I dont know what to think. I dont know what to expect. The doctors are not saying anything until more scans and more reports are finalized.

Everything is so wrong. Everything that I had mentally visualised and all the various scenarios that I had prepared myself for had been nothing but just wrong.

Only ONE THING I had gotten right. This time around, things will be different, harder, tougher and more challenging. Yet, I wasnt expecting it to be SO DIFFERENT, SO TOUGH, and SO MUCH HARDER.

Just when will things start to look brighter and clearer again?

Please just let everything be a scare, be a nightmare and let the grey skies become clear finally.

We need a clear picture and we need a PLAN soon.

Please pray for Charmaine's knee plan to subside miraculously again and please also pray that the knee can finally heal so that she doesnt have to suffer this pain which immobilises her.

Please also pray that her MRI of the liver is clear and that we only need to focus of getting rid of the disease in her right thing and NOWHERE else.

Of course, most importantly, please pray that there is ABSOLUTELY NO NEW DISEASE ANYWEHRE in her body! And that her MRI of her legs and head today is all good!!!

Please also pray that we will have plan by next week and that we can start her chemo soon.

May everyone have a good long weekend in Singapore...

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Love,
Cyn mommy