PLEASE PRAY HARD. Scanxiety :-(

Its the time again...

I am pretending to live life as 'normally' as possible while making sure that I dont get ahead of myself and start taking 2 steps more than what is allowed. I keep breathing and I keep chanting: "one step at a time, one step at a time".

Of course, there is always something new in our routine. Never a dull day really. Last Monday, Charmaine was diagnosed with an ear infection so we are on Antibiotics to treat that infection. On a thankful note, its something treatable!

And since our first chemo in New York, which was more than a month ago, Charmaine has not complained of her right knee pain. HOWEVER, always something new right? A few days ago on Thursday evening, Charmaine suddenly started complaining of pain in her RIGHT KNEE again. DARN IT. That just about killed me there and than.

Left leg pain, I can comfort myself and say "Muscle Spasm!" But why the damn right leg pain re-surface just a few days before scans??? A hundred possibilities flashed in my mind and I simply couldnt stop freaking myself out. I mean, we RADIATED that right femur, not once but TWICE!!! Can you imagine how much damage have I caused to her bone, nerves and muscle and cells and how could the darn cancer cells not be killed? They should have been totally wiped out clean!!! I know I should keep my mind positive and believe me, I am trying ALL THE TIME. Its just so hard! Every complaint of pain is soooooo scary.

And than amidst all the insanity, I told myself, "well, at least its the same area!" Seriously, I feel sick to even think that way; that its good the pain is in the same area. But ya... that was how I tried to calm my nerves. :-(

PLEASE SAY MORE PRAYERS FOR CHARMAINE this coming week. Please pray that all her scans come back clean and good and that we do NOT need to head down the otherwise unimaginable tough road. Please pray that all our scans will go through smoothly and that we can quality for some good trial here in NYC so that we dont have to return to Singapore for high dose chemo.

My mind is mostly blank, so please pardon me if I am incoherent. I am so so so worried that we have to scramble back asap for high dose chemo should the results come out differently from what we pray for. I have a very unsettling mind and a heart that's pumping at a heart-attack rate (I suspect!). I dont know what kind of turn our lives is going to take in a few days, a mere 48 hours from now and it scares the hell out of me. :-(

Love,
Cyn