A blissful start to the year of Rabbit

Hello everyone,

Its already the year of the Rabbit! 2 years to us battling and I am very grateful to still be fighting this war, which I termed it dearly as my very own WWIII. Although its as physical as it gets, more often than not, I feel the physiological aspects are my biggest enemy.

My fears, anxiety, desperation, depression, disappointments and scanxiety drive me nuts and make me lose my faith, my hope, my drive and my belief. At the end of the day, I am just left with nothing. Or rather, I feel that way - that I have exhausted all my means, used up every ounce of my energy and expended all my determination... I am drained and empty.

But the very sight of Charmaine is the biggest reminder to myself that I still have everything. She's the only thing, other than Jase that matters in this war and she is everything to me.

Nevertheless, I am only human. I will always wonder why arent we one of the lucky ones? Why isnt my baby one of the lucky ones responding well to treatment? Whenever I hear of friends travelling for vacation, I would be envious of their happiness. It is exceptionally hard when I see other families with innocent and happy kids doing mundane and simple things, like running around at the playground or just going out for a simple dinner. I miss those days terribly. I miss all these simple pleasures of life. I miss worrying over normal things such as having enough money to pay for bills or if the kids are doing well in school. I miss being normal. I find myself occasionally looking back towards the past and re-living those moments over in my mind, just to remember how it once felt. The memory is getting more vague as time goes by and I just wish I could capture those emotions the way we freeze a moment in time through pictures. All the mental torment that my mind has to go through on a daily basis isnt helping much with keeping memories because the way I cope is to block out and forget. While I forget the harsh moments, I also have to forget the happy ones too. Another NB mommy in US coined the term "Collateral Damage".

People often ask me: "How are you coping?" I honestly dont know how to answer. Quite frankly, I myself dont know how am I coping? Maybe I would need an expert to sit down and observe me for a day and put me in a certain 'stage' or a certain 'phase' of whatever medical term there is.

We are living each day like an average person, as 'normal' as can be. We sleep, eat and wake up and repeat the cycle with minor surprises everyday. The side effects of the treatment are taking a heavy toll on Charmaine and our 'average' day isnt quite your average day. Generally, we wake up and because of the pain in Charmaine's leg, she cant move around like a normal 6 year old kid. Her leisure is laying on bed, watching her Winx Club DVDs, counting down to the time Jase comes back from school and continue watching more episodes with Jase. In between those moments, there would be the bickering over being too squeezy, or Jase disturbing her, or Jase hurting her when he touched her... Complains that usually have me staring at them, with the "No fighting" warning.

And all the while, Charmaine is coping with the constant pain on her right knee. This chemo is known to cause diarrhea and that is the other pain that Char is having to deal with on a daily basis. Her appetite has also been very poor in the past 2 weeks. She has already lost almost 2kgs since we returned in December. She feels the hunger pangs but the vomiting and nausea is making it very hard for her to stomach the food. And that adds on to her frustration and sadness. She asked me: "Why is it when I see food, I am not hungry and when I dont see food, I get hungry? But when I am hungry, I cant eat?"

She is always tired and occasionally feeling dizzy. Weak from the lack of food intake and weak from pain. The oral morphine is probably also doping her to a certain extent but she finds it difficult to sleep with the pain in the leg and the pain in her tummy.

So THAT is Charmaine's average day at home.

I live my life daily, always on the alert for the next increase in pain, the next dose of medication, the next run for puke bags, or just laying on bed besides Char. She feels very uncomfortable with me out of her sight and is constantly calling out to me even when I am showering...

I read a quote about 2 week's ago that has eased the fear and pain in my heart a little and taught me to remember to see things from a different perspective in order to carry on...

"Why be saddled with this thing called life expectancy? Of what relevance to an individual is such a statistic? Am I to concern myself with an allotment of days I never had and was never promised? Must I check off each day of my life as if I am subtracting from this imaginary hoard? No, on the contrary, I will add each day of my life to my treasure of days lived. And with each day, my treasure will grow, not diminish."
-Robert Brault

I continue to be grateful each morning I wake up with Charmaine by my side. And I cannot be happier to be able to spend this Reunion Dinner at home with my family by my side. Although Charmaine was too sick to join us for the whole dinner, she managed to pull herself through the Lo Hei with us and went back to bed to rest.

We also had to admit to KKH on Thursday night for an 90mins infusion on Friday morning. However, all in all, it was a wonderful Chinese New Year for me. I am truly blessed with many tiny blessings each day.

I hope everyone had a blissful CNY like us, counting the tiny blessings each day, despite the challenges we are thrown with daily.

Have a BLESSED RABBIT YEAR 2011.

Love,
Cyn mommy