10 steps backwards again

Hi everyone...

1 step forward, 10 steps backwards...
This is exactly what I am feeling right now...

I have not logged onto blogger to type properly in a long long time. Most of my previous entries in the last couple of months were copied and pasted from my facebook status...

In some ways, it is not necessarily a bad thing. If you recall, I usually write when I am depressed and upset. Hence, my absence might mean that I am coping...

However, I had been consciously avoiding the blog too. It scares me sometimes because I know that the moment I start writing, my tears will start overflowing and frankly, I don't exactly want to cry as much as you don't really want to see my cry.

And today, I decided that I am ready to blog again.

Which in turn only means one thing - I am so upset and depressed that I don't really care if I am going to cry non stop... Anyway, I cry even when I am not doing anything. Hence, why not right?

So much going on in my head now... where do I begin?

The last time I was this emotional, I took almost 2 months to regain my composure. And the last time wasn't even a result of my own child. It was a friend who lost her son. But the visits to ICU and just putting myself in that same situation somehow got the better of me and I was overwhelmed with that sense of loss. When the news of his passing came that morning, I quite simply just lost it there and then. I was all changed, ready to head out like I do on a normal weekday. But suddenly, I was just collapsed and burst out crying. Cries so loud I scared myself silly.

For the first time since Charmaine's passing, I grabbed the phone and called my counsellor voluntarily, asking for her to meet me that day. I was scared. It felt like an out of body experience. My body somehow didn't seem to belong to me because it wouldn't listen to my brain. I cried and cried, and as hard as I tried to stop myself from crying, I couldn't. My heart ached and I didn't understand why. Why was I crying? Why did I feel like it was much worse than the day when I lost my own child...

That was in February. And I found out later that I was re-living my own nightmare and that was what killed me then. I've learned my lesson and has followed doctor's and counsellor's orders that I am not to put myself in that situation again because I am not ready for it.

That was also the first time I learned that my journey of grieving was not going to be a linear straight line with me progressing and improving steadily. Instead, there will be troughs and peaks. Like a trade cycle, I will improve and regress... Get better and maybe be hit with another wave of heartache... Then I will have to start climbing again... A lifelong journey of ups and downs... all I can hope for is for the recovery to maybe become shorter as time passes by...

July...
I feared the coming of July for awhile now. They say mindset is everything... Maybe my own fears made my reality more painful. My own doing, so to speak.

Things seem to be alright until last Monday when once again, my emotions got the better of me. As prepared as I was for July to be tough, it is still unbelievably painful. And when the sadness comes, it comes on board with full brutal force, no warning at all. One moment I was reading a book, next moment, I found myself in a heap, crying and screaming on top of my lungs... I was truly glad that no one was home to see my outburst... Because that was the second time I behave like a psychotic woman, I wasn't as afraid and scared... I knew I would stop at some stage. I don't know if that was considered normal... but I guess I am starting to accept the fact that whether I like it or not, I cant exactly control or stop it.

It was beyond painful. My whole mind was filled with darkest dark thoughts. All I wanted to do was to escape. But where. I have nowhere to run to and I have another child dependant on me. I felt so useless... incredibly helpless and desperate... I wanted to lash out at someone, something... But what, who? The pain, the sense of loss, even the anger and frustration... My whole mind was a mangle mess of negative emotions probably enough to act as a nuke and I wouldn't be surprised if I had self imploded.

I tried to read... but I had already finished 5 books in less than 5 days and I couldn't concentrate against the depressed mind...

All that was going in my head was "She should be 7. My little girl would be 7. Primary 1." I pictured her in her school uniform... going to school with her brother. I tried to imagine her height... And even that image was marred by the ugly cancer... because even in my imagined world, she had a limp... a knee eaten by cancer...

My Charmaine... My princess... my sweet loving child... Where are you???

I know... I know I am going insane... I know I am behaving like an irrational human being... I know that nothing I do can bring her back... I know and I don't need anyone reminding me that!

I know... but it just hurts so bad...

I cant help it that my brain is wired in such a way. I cant numb my pain and I cant avoid the heartache too... I cant escape it and there's absolutely nothing I can do to remove it...

Or maybe there is... I don't know... Counselling, supplements, alternative healing...

I keep trying... And I would even say that I am doing a good job on good days...

On good days, its easier to pretend that my life is fine... Work, school, play and fun...

However, the bad days always manage to wriggle back into my life...
I will admit that I am defenseless against that giant.

My only coping mechanism against my bad days is to just let the bad days take charge... And I will just roll and tumble along until I hit a dead end...

It has been difficult... I know that I have no right to complain... compared to the kids going through chemotherapy, surgeries... my pain is insignificant...

I wish I could be the strong woman you assume me to be...
As strong as I am, my heart is not immune to my pain and my loss...

Only today do I realize that the first day I stepped into the world of cancer with my baby girl more than 3 years ago... it is a journey that will only end when I breath my last breathe. It didn't end with your battle, char... it merely became a different battle for mommy.

Someone out there is definitely fighting a much more tougher battle than me, with many others still on the journey that I once was on...

Life is all about perspectives... Always compare yourself to the man with a bigger load of crap in life and one should feel better... Today, I cant. Just today, let me wallow in self pity. Today, please let my perspective rule. Today, I don't want to fight the fight. I feel weak. I need to cry. I really need a break to literally tumble and crumble to pieces...

I don't like the ups and downs... but I honestly have no idea how to turn my life into a neutral linear line...

My dearest child, I don't feel you around me anymore... A part of me know that you have completed your journey, even in that other worldly heaven... but if there's any chance that you hear mommy... I need you now more than ever... please give me a kick in the butt or something... help me... I am at my wits end... running out of ideas baby...

I love you. I always do and I always will.


Love,

Cyn mommy