I could barely hold my tears and almost stopped breathing at the ultrasound scaning. Listening to the doctors discussion happening right in front of you, trying to decipher their words, looking at the images trying to understand them like a doctor and hoping that everything I barely hear or see is wrong and that it's a bad nightmare was what I was praying for the whole time.
I don't know how many times can I do this. I'm really not strong and I don't want to be the chosen one either. I just want everything to be back to what it was.
One day you allow me to see the joy in life. Seeing Jase hopping and dancing his way home from school made me the happiest mom.
The next day you send a fever to Charmaine and caused the chemo to be nearly stopped. Now you have to tell me that there is fluid in her knee which is causing all the pain.
When will things ever become easier in my life?!!?!
On top of the cancer, it's as if my life is not challenging enough! Now this fluid in her knee as well?
I'm tired and beaten. Can anyone help make all these go away miraculously?
Cyn
Day 2 of Chemo
Char's knee is visibly swollen but doc has no idea what is causing the pain and swell. She's on paracetemol round the clock to try and control the pain and we are going to do a ultrasound and X-Ray to try and determine the cause. The pain is making it impossible for her to sleep but otherwise she is tolerating the chemo well. Doing the X-Ray is going to be a challenge because she is required to straighten her knee which she hasn't done so in days due to the pain.
I pray that her pain will miraculously subside and that there is no cause
for any concern.
Love,
cyn
I pray that her pain will miraculously subside and that there is no cause
for any concern.
Love,
cyn
Updates from Cyn
Monday, February 8, 2010
Hi everyone,
I am sorry but I am not exactly in the mood to talk or write much. Nonetheless, I know many of you are waiting for updates hence I will do a quick one.
In NYC 28th Jan, Charmaine's MIBG scan showed that she had relapsed in her right knee, right thigh (basically her right femur), right pelvic and also her lower spine. And I thought that was already my biggest nightmare.
But nothing has changed when it comes to bad news. It never ends at one.
Last week in Singapore, they scheduled Charmaine for a MRI to her right leg and lower back which lasted more than 2hours in KK.
The results was shocking and devastating for me.
They saw cancer cells in her left leg as well. I dont know what to say.
Charmaine didnt take the admissions well at all because its seriously not the first thing she expected straight after touching down Singapore. She was looking forward to seeing her Por Por, Gong Gong and just being back home. As such, she was rather grouchy and grumpy throughout. Her appetite isnt good as well. Frankly, I am not taking it well either. I am half assuming that her poor appetite is due to her jet lag and of course the viral infection she caught just before we left NYC. Thankfully, she is finally eating a bit more these 2 days which is a great relief to me because since the scans week in NYC, because of the fasting, she generally hasnt eaten much and has lost half a kg in 2 weeks.
Friday when I received news of the findigs in her left leg as well, it totally crushed me. And one would think that is the last straw.
Come saturday, she suddenly complained of pain in her right knee and started limping the whole day. I was shocked. Its the first time ever since Charmaine's diagnosis that I witness her suffering the direct side effects of the sick monster. It seemed to have gotten much worse in a span of days and by Sunday, she just refused to walk. I had to carry her everywhere, from room to room, or even just to the toilet. It worries me greatly and I just couldnt wait for her Chemotherapy to start soon enough. I am banking all my hopes on the chemo and radiation to kill all the cells and alleviate her of the pain totally. Its an irony but what else can I depend on...
We were supposed to start chemo today but KK is full and can only start Charmaine on Tues. I cannot even begin to imagine how many parents and families are going through the same pain and turmoil we are going through. I wish for no one to even live with hospital visits as part of their daily normal life. Kids should be what they do best - being kids.
I managed to sort out the logistics and found Jase a school while Charmaine is receiving treatment. Thankfully, Jase is happy and looking forward to it. However, Charmaine is very depressed about not being able to attend school like her brother. She beg and pleaded with me yesterday after all the sobbing, saying: "Please, may I just go for one day with Kor Kor to school? Please, please please?". My heart aches seeing how much she yearns to go to school like any other normal kid but something so simple and yet I cannot provide...
Charmaine will be admiting tomorrow for a 4 days high dose Chemo ending on Friday, just in time for CNY back home with family. Chinese New Year has always been my favourite festive holiday, like Christmas and I treasure it alot. I hope that we will at least get to spend CNY at home safely without any hiccups.
This cycle is going to be pretty much like the first cycle she had, with zero immunity and low counts. Dear God, please watch over my little girl Charmaine and bless us with a smooth sailing chemotherapy with no infections. Please God, I NEED YOUR HELP.
Once again, I am pleading for your prayers to help us tide over this challenge safely. Thank you everyone. THANK YOU.
Love,
Cyn
I am sorry but I am not exactly in the mood to talk or write much. Nonetheless, I know many of you are waiting for updates hence I will do a quick one.
In NYC 28th Jan, Charmaine's MIBG scan showed that she had relapsed in her right knee, right thigh (basically her right femur), right pelvic and also her lower spine. And I thought that was already my biggest nightmare.
But nothing has changed when it comes to bad news. It never ends at one.
Last week in Singapore, they scheduled Charmaine for a MRI to her right leg and lower back which lasted more than 2hours in KK.
The results was shocking and devastating for me.
They saw cancer cells in her left leg as well. I dont know what to say.
Charmaine didnt take the admissions well at all because its seriously not the first thing she expected straight after touching down Singapore. She was looking forward to seeing her Por Por, Gong Gong and just being back home. As such, she was rather grouchy and grumpy throughout. Her appetite isnt good as well. Frankly, I am not taking it well either. I am half assuming that her poor appetite is due to her jet lag and of course the viral infection she caught just before we left NYC. Thankfully, she is finally eating a bit more these 2 days which is a great relief to me because since the scans week in NYC, because of the fasting, she generally hasnt eaten much and has lost half a kg in 2 weeks.
Friday when I received news of the findigs in her left leg as well, it totally crushed me. And one would think that is the last straw.
Come saturday, she suddenly complained of pain in her right knee and started limping the whole day. I was shocked. Its the first time ever since Charmaine's diagnosis that I witness her suffering the direct side effects of the sick monster. It seemed to have gotten much worse in a span of days and by Sunday, she just refused to walk. I had to carry her everywhere, from room to room, or even just to the toilet. It worries me greatly and I just couldnt wait for her Chemotherapy to start soon enough. I am banking all my hopes on the chemo and radiation to kill all the cells and alleviate her of the pain totally. Its an irony but what else can I depend on...
We were supposed to start chemo today but KK is full and can only start Charmaine on Tues. I cannot even begin to imagine how many parents and families are going through the same pain and turmoil we are going through. I wish for no one to even live with hospital visits as part of their daily normal life. Kids should be what they do best - being kids.
I managed to sort out the logistics and found Jase a school while Charmaine is receiving treatment. Thankfully, Jase is happy and looking forward to it. However, Charmaine is very depressed about not being able to attend school like her brother. She beg and pleaded with me yesterday after all the sobbing, saying: "Please, may I just go for one day with Kor Kor to school? Please, please please?". My heart aches seeing how much she yearns to go to school like any other normal kid but something so simple and yet I cannot provide...
Charmaine will be admiting tomorrow for a 4 days high dose Chemo ending on Friday, just in time for CNY back home with family. Chinese New Year has always been my favourite festive holiday, like Christmas and I treasure it alot. I hope that we will at least get to spend CNY at home safely without any hiccups.
This cycle is going to be pretty much like the first cycle she had, with zero immunity and low counts. Dear God, please watch over my little girl Charmaine and bless us with a smooth sailing chemotherapy with no infections. Please God, I NEED YOUR HELP.
Once again, I am pleading for your prayers to help us tide over this challenge safely. Thank you everyone. THANK YOU.
Love,
Cyn
Latest Result
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Charmaine is still in hospital due to her fever, but there were two good news from Cyn after the tests.
1. There is no tumour
2. There are no cancer cells in her bonemarrow.
So we have now, the relapse on the knee and thigh to resolve as it is now to be caused through blood carrying the cancer cells. A high dosage of chemo will start again soon before the CNY, if her fever can subside faster.
Love, Char
Edited to add by Jo:
For those who are wondering. Cancer cells may be spread to other parts of the body via bone marrow or blood. Both are equally bad but spreading by bone marrow indicates cancer cells there and would be very tough to treat. Hence, it's a good news for #2.
1. There is no tumour
2. There are no cancer cells in her bonemarrow.
So we have now, the relapse on the knee and thigh to resolve as it is now to be caused through blood carrying the cancer cells. A high dosage of chemo will start again soon before the CNY, if her fever can subside faster.
Love, Char
Edited to add by Jo:
For those who are wondering. Cancer cells may be spread to other parts of the body via bone marrow or blood. Both are equally bad but spreading by bone marrow indicates cancer cells there and would be very tough to treat. Hence, it's a good news for #2.
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