My heart nearly stopped

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I could barely hold my tears and almost stopped breathing at the ultrasound scaning. Listening to the doctors discussion happening right in front of you, trying to decipher their words, looking at the images trying to understand them like a doctor and hoping that everything I barely hear or see is wrong and that it's a bad nightmare was what I was praying for the whole time.

I don't know how many times can I do this. I'm really not strong and I don't want to be the chosen one either. I just want everything to be back to what it was.

One day you allow me to see the joy in life. Seeing Jase hopping and dancing his way home from school made me the happiest mom.

The next day you send a fever to Charmaine and caused the chemo to be nearly stopped. Now you have to tell me that there is fluid in her knee which is causing all the pain.

When will things ever become easier in my life?!!?!

On top of the cancer, it's as if my life is not challenging enough! Now this fluid in her knee as well?

I'm tired and beaten. Can anyone help make all these go away miraculously?

Cyn

7 comments:

Dee.. said...

I'm sorry and I'm crying with you. Big hugs to you.

kangta164 said...

Thinking of you and Charmaine at this time. Please be strong.

Claudio said...

dear cyn, in 10hours i have my own (first) op. im really nervous - and when i look at my parents, i can see how they feel to let her child pass thru this.

you had to do this so often with your little princess.

dont forget - she is your feisty little princess. and she is strong - very strong. some months ago she had an operation with her liver - hours for hours - and i was scared she maybe could die - but charmaine is strong, so strong and smart. she knows about the monster and that she has to fight. she know she is more powerful than it!

let her know that you love her from your heart, tell her, that hte monster is still there and she has to fight agian. i belive that she is mentally soooo powerful - and trust every word to you..... it must be hard. because you wana cry....

but show her your confidence in her. shoe her that you have confidene in her with her fight with the monster! i believe she can buld a soooooo big power in herself... that can turn things into positive...

show her that you believe in her, and that u are with her, whatever happenes....then she can take the best out of her! and no monster has a chance against a feisty little princess - its impossible!

i believe in charmaine, cyn. and i believe in you. i believe that even if you had soooo much to suffer - you still have power! look back the last year - and see what happened. so many things you maybe thougt "i never can do this" BUT you did it all! the 350'000usd - a mission impossible - YOU made it possible. the trip to NYC, anything strange, unknown - YOU made it possible! you are so much stronger and you have so much power inside you as you beliefe...

its no problem to have "cry-moments" its ok to have "i-feel-lost-moments". you are human, not a machine! but dont think that all you are is "i am lost and powerless" - you arent. you have so much power cyn - show it also to charmaine - and fight!

and i and (as i think) lots of people who follow your "story" and blog. will help with prayers and wishes from their heart.... also a source of power...

never give up cyn, never. its sooo good what u did until now. i am proud of you - so you can be a little proud of yourself!

have faith

take care
claudio

ps: write more when my hand is better ;) or when i mutated to a left-hander.

Mama Joan said...

Cyn, all i can tell u is: stay focus and cast your burden on the Lord for He is mighty and will show you the way.

Just to share my testimony with you: Just a week before i was due for birth, my mum suddenly fell very sick n was on the verge of death, my dad was also sick at that time n needed 24hrs care (my mum was the sole care provider) and my husband was still in US. I was left all alone struggling and that was the darkest moments in my life. I had nothing else to hold on but God. I also dunno how i lived thru that period but all i remember is i cried n prayed n He answered n carried me thru it that rough period. He is the Mighty God and He will see us thru all seasons in life, He will never give up or abandon us. When things happened and we cannot comprehend but we just cast them at the feet of His mighty throne and continue our focus on Him, He will show us the way and lead us thru it all. I hope my testimony will send peace to your heart... Glory to the Mighty God!

chibiryan said...

Please continue to be strong for the family, for Charmaine! Many of us are here to support you.

Kel said...

been an avid reader for your blog.my emotion follows thru as well.Was glad lil princess did well in USA and praying the nightmare to end for you and fam. But bare in mind, despite of illness & being single parent,You truely has a pair of obedient kids.During the rough patch you had been gg thru,the kids had been always the pillar.Without you,Charmaine may not be as brave. Is you tat keeps Charmaine going,is you who keeps the kids cheerful and strong! Is a difficult task BUT you can do it. Believe in yourself. Everybody is doing their part to make it happen as well. I sincerely wish that Charmaine will be up and going again. I was at KKH since Monday as my child was admitted. Was thinking if Charmaine is at ward 76. Did a silent prayer outside Ward 76 for all the kids whom are ill.Whether you celebrate CNY @ home or Hospital, it no longer matter. Most importantly, you have your kids with you ! Be Strong Cyn mummy . God Bless you and Family with the best health and hope 2010 will be another fruitful year.

Gloria said...

Hi Cyn, I am really sorry to hear about the news. cancer sure is a sneaky monster that sneaks up on you when you least expected. i hope charmaine is able to complete the course of treatment. Big hugs to you

 
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