Mother's Day Gift
What gifts do I desire on this Mother's Day?
I sit and I ponder for awhile
The hand-made treasures and store-bought trinkets
Should surely bring a smile
For some these gifts would be just fine
On this, so special a day
But no, not for this mother
I see things another way
The things I want cannot be bought
My gifts must come from Above
Please Lord, my list is from the heart
And borne of a Mother's love
I want to watch her play
I want to watch her grow
I want to hear her say
"Watch me, see how far I can throw"
I want to hear her laughter
Delight in every smile
I want her "ever after"
Running free and wild
Her future calls and calls to me...
I don't even know where to start
I want all the "firsts" that are yet to be
First kiss, first love, first broken heart...
These things so ordinary
I scarcely dare to dream
I want them all Dear Lord
and so much more unseen
You gave me the gift of this child so precious
I thank You with all my heart
Every moment together I cherish
From her, I cannot bear to part
Please grant me my wish Dear Lord
Today, and all my Mother's Days to come
My only wish is for the treasure You already gave me
The treasure of my daughter, Char....
I really want to write but I am finding it hard even eating...
PET SCAN RESULTS:
More tumors, more tumors in her lungs, in her lower abdomen, in her thighs. Soft tissue diseases suck big time.
Almost all but one doctor is saying: "There's medically nothing to be done." OR, "How about bringing Charmaine to Disney?"
And the one left standing with me right now is Dr Aung.
I cannot even begin to tell you how devastated I am.
In Survival Mode for awhile...
For the last 3 days from Wed to Fri, I have been doing everything I possibly can, reading, calling, making appointments and just making sure that there are doors opened for Charmaine.
And I did. I found all the doors I could and they are now opened.
The quiet weekend has brought out the intense pain in my heart which I've been withholding and hiding firmly over the 3 weekdays, keeping my mind focused on what had to be done, instead of crying out in desperation.
But the quiet weekend... I couldnt withhold my emotions any longer... and now I find that I cant think... I am struggling and I feel weak and sick, but I cant stop and rest because I am the only person Char has... She is depending on me and me alone...
Over the weekend, we had a a few small talks about her thoughts on treatment and travelling...
She said very clearly not once, not twice but many times...
"I WANT TO GET WELL!"
While we both prefer to stay at home... home isnt the place with options anymore. I managed to find some treatment options available for home and Dr Aung has agreed to treat but it takes time for the drugs to be found, brought into Singapore.....
And I dont know how much time...
At the back of my mind the entire time, Char words keep ringing in my head:
"I WANT TO GET WELL"
Love,
Cyn mommy
Waiting for PET scan
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Its Tuesday morning... We are waiting for Char PET scan and I don't know what I'm thinking.
We started chemo last Friday. I want to tell you what cycle that is but I lost count. Am I pathetic or is it me aging exponentially?
I know I have to be positive. I know I have to cast away all my negative thoughts.
But believe me, it's insane. Its beyond insanity actually. To be able to see the tumors with your naked eyes and to be able to track their growth like a medical doctor. I didn't know that a mother has to endure anything like that... Beyond anything humane.
I dont want to know the results tmr. I don't think I can come and collect the report and not suffer a heart attack or a stroke.
What am I supposed to do? I pictured them as frogs and is willing them to just die and disappear but my will power is heavily used up... Barely enough to last me another day...
We are finishing up chemo today and hopefully, we will finally go home and sleep on our beds. We have not even touched them since we landed.
I can't write any more.
But please keep those prayers coming in. Please pray that we have good scan results.
Please pray that Char pain is controlled and she can regain her ability to walk again.
Thank you all.
Love,
Cyn
We started chemo last Friday. I want to tell you what cycle that is but I lost count. Am I pathetic or is it me aging exponentially?
I know I have to be positive. I know I have to cast away all my negative thoughts.
But believe me, it's insane. Its beyond insanity actually. To be able to see the tumors with your naked eyes and to be able to track their growth like a medical doctor. I didn't know that a mother has to endure anything like that... Beyond anything humane.
I dont want to know the results tmr. I don't think I can come and collect the report and not suffer a heart attack or a stroke.
What am I supposed to do? I pictured them as frogs and is willing them to just die and disappear but my will power is heavily used up... Barely enough to last me another day...
We are finishing up chemo today and hopefully, we will finally go home and sleep on our beds. We have not even touched them since we landed.
I can't write any more.
But please keep those prayers coming in. Please pray that we have good scan results.
Please pray that Char pain is controlled and she can regain her ability to walk again.
Thank you all.
Love,
Cyn
An entry wrote on 22nd April 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
In the last 3 weeks, many things have transpired. I have travelled miles again to look for anything that may help to stabilize my precious girl’s disease. Along with a supportive friend who wouldn’t allow me to travel alone, we flew and decided that it may be worth a try. It wasn’t conventional, but at least we were still trying to give her body a chance to fend off the ever mutating cells, or whatever you call it, while she is recovering from her last chemo.
We are here now. It has been 2 weeks. In this foreign country, we were thrown with more unwanted discoveries. The system here doesn’t well with me, coming from different cultures and practices. I have had to deal with many medical challenges on my own and was strangely grateful to the journey preceding this. The 2 years have taught me a lot, precious in-depth life lessons, and medical knowledge which I am not sure that I wanted to learn anyway. However, moments like these, armed with knowledge like that was invaluable.
Sometimes, I wish I could write more but I dread my own negativity. On rare painful occasions, I find myself hitting my head hard, trying to knock those negative thoughts out of my head, my brain. But they stayed stubbornly. Occasionally, I would read an enlightening book which will bring some reprise from all these. But come morning, I wake up knowing that I have to face my enemy and the war is still ongoing. My tears flow… I sob wishing all these were nothing but a nightmare. However, I know it is painfully true and real.
During times when I can no longer contain my despair and hopelessness, I turn to reading to escape.
And when I find enough strength to plow forward again, I turn to endlessly researching and reading on our options.
To cut a long story short, we have completed our 2 weeks treatment and I am packing our bags to return home. How I wish that I have better news to share. I can even rejoice with no change. But this is not what it is.
Throughout her neutropenia (which would have rendered us with no treatments at home anyway) and even with the additional alternative therapy we are giving her, her stubborn mutated cells just wouldn’t give all of us any break at all. They continued to multiply and I found more tumors in her pelvic area. The only reason I can even write it now as though they are nothing but a matter of factual development is because I have once again cried my tears dry and knows that all the tears will bring me nowhere…
I do not know if I have come to terms with my reality or not but I am thankful to have my ever-supportive doctors, Dr Aung and Dr Chui by my side. They never judge, never discourage me. Instead, they are always there to hear my sobs, my cries, my nonsensical rambling and my insistent questioning on the next option. Most importantly, they always give me hope. I cannot even begin to tell you how important and how essential their very existences and support have been for me. They are the very definition of HEALERS.
This is not to say I am calling it quits. I honestly don’t know how to ever bring myself to stop searching for a way to save my only daughter’s precious life. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. I do not know.
However, my mind wouldn’t rest and I keep telling myself the next thing will be my miracle. Is this how positivity is supposed to work or is this me being in denial with my reality. The way I see it, no one needs to tell me that my baby is slowly fading away from me… but until the day when I can no longer physically protect her, my only instinct now is to continually protect her. I only wish that I could wrap her around my belly, and know that nothing will touch her unless they get through my belly first.
I have researched and found some more alternative therapies that I can do myself at home.
Africa is probably the only continent left that I have not ventured into. Where else can I go? Just where in this universe does the solution to the cure for our kids lay…
All of a sudden, this planet doesn’t seem big at all. America, England, China, Japan, South Korea and Russia… none of these places seem to have anything for our kids. How can it be? Our engineers have created ipad, iphone and even 3D Television sets, so it means that we have some really extremely smart people amongst us, isn’t it? How is it reasonable that we can continually create objects of wants and yet still have no cure for our bodies, the very existence of us…
I never once imagined that I would be thrust into this world, questioning so many things in life. The bureaucracies, the red tapes, the different cultures, the different systems, the idea of profiteering, the capability of human love and even the meaning of life itself. Even my sociology classes back during my university days did nothing of that effect to me. My world and my view of the world is forever changed.
What is considered a norm?
I wonder how I would have answered my professor now that my view of the world is oddly skewed to the extent I don’t even feel human anymore. Is that what growing up does to you?
I feel like an alien living in a planet called Earth. I am desperately trying to save a live I am more than willing to die for at any time. And yet, even my death will not cure her.
Strangely, everyone continues to move on. Everything continues to evolve. And the earth continues to rotate.
I am the only one left standing, immobile, incapacitated and unable to fit in. Do you ever feel the way I do now?
‘Life goes on’
Do you have any idea how repulsive that idea sounds to me right now?
I want to say that I hate it. Yes, I do. How can life still go on when it is obviously wrong? How can a mother outlive her kids? I don’t want life to go on. I don’t want time to heal the wound and I don’t want the pain to become more manageable. I want time to come to a complete stand still. And if its meant for me to feel the pain of loss of someone so dear, so precious, than why let the pain heal with time? Might as well let the pain grow and grow. Seriously, I am out of my mind.
I take it that it is time for me to end this before I drive everyone insane along with my imbalanced hormones and uncontrollable emotions.
This is actually an attempt at me trying to be neutral. Notice that I am not trying to be positive because frankly, I am incapable of anything to that extent at this very moment. All I want to do is cry my heart out, cry till my voice is hoarse and cry until the heaven is touched.
Quite obviously, I have failed miserably. I am not only unable to sound neutral but instead, I am so sore. Angry at what life has thrown at my innocent baby. Angry at myself for being useless and unable to save my baby’s life.
Hence, I have to apologise. I am sorry that I sound like a lunatic right now because this is exactly how I feel right now. I am sorry that I ruin your day with my pessimistic emotions because I really am finding it so hard to stay upbeat about life here.
Please forgive me.
And PLEASE PRAY. PLEASE PRAY FOR A MIRACLE FOR CHARMAINE. My innocent baby.
And please remember all the other innocent children fighting for their lives when they should be fighting for attention and toys.
Since when did life become this difficult…
Love,
Cyn mommy
PS: We are now inpatient at KKH for a nagging fever...
We are here now. It has been 2 weeks. In this foreign country, we were thrown with more unwanted discoveries. The system here doesn’t well with me, coming from different cultures and practices. I have had to deal with many medical challenges on my own and was strangely grateful to the journey preceding this. The 2 years have taught me a lot, precious in-depth life lessons, and medical knowledge which I am not sure that I wanted to learn anyway. However, moments like these, armed with knowledge like that was invaluable.
Sometimes, I wish I could write more but I dread my own negativity. On rare painful occasions, I find myself hitting my head hard, trying to knock those negative thoughts out of my head, my brain. But they stayed stubbornly. Occasionally, I would read an enlightening book which will bring some reprise from all these. But come morning, I wake up knowing that I have to face my enemy and the war is still ongoing. My tears flow… I sob wishing all these were nothing but a nightmare. However, I know it is painfully true and real.
During times when I can no longer contain my despair and hopelessness, I turn to reading to escape.
And when I find enough strength to plow forward again, I turn to endlessly researching and reading on our options.
To cut a long story short, we have completed our 2 weeks treatment and I am packing our bags to return home. How I wish that I have better news to share. I can even rejoice with no change. But this is not what it is.
Throughout her neutropenia (which would have rendered us with no treatments at home anyway) and even with the additional alternative therapy we are giving her, her stubborn mutated cells just wouldn’t give all of us any break at all. They continued to multiply and I found more tumors in her pelvic area. The only reason I can even write it now as though they are nothing but a matter of factual development is because I have once again cried my tears dry and knows that all the tears will bring me nowhere…
I do not know if I have come to terms with my reality or not but I am thankful to have my ever-supportive doctors, Dr Aung and Dr Chui by my side. They never judge, never discourage me. Instead, they are always there to hear my sobs, my cries, my nonsensical rambling and my insistent questioning on the next option. Most importantly, they always give me hope. I cannot even begin to tell you how important and how essential their very existences and support have been for me. They are the very definition of HEALERS.
This is not to say I am calling it quits. I honestly don’t know how to ever bring myself to stop searching for a way to save my only daughter’s precious life. Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. I do not know.
However, my mind wouldn’t rest and I keep telling myself the next thing will be my miracle. Is this how positivity is supposed to work or is this me being in denial with my reality. The way I see it, no one needs to tell me that my baby is slowly fading away from me… but until the day when I can no longer physically protect her, my only instinct now is to continually protect her. I only wish that I could wrap her around my belly, and know that nothing will touch her unless they get through my belly first.
I have researched and found some more alternative therapies that I can do myself at home.
Africa is probably the only continent left that I have not ventured into. Where else can I go? Just where in this universe does the solution to the cure for our kids lay…
All of a sudden, this planet doesn’t seem big at all. America, England, China, Japan, South Korea and Russia… none of these places seem to have anything for our kids. How can it be? Our engineers have created ipad, iphone and even 3D Television sets, so it means that we have some really extremely smart people amongst us, isn’t it? How is it reasonable that we can continually create objects of wants and yet still have no cure for our bodies, the very existence of us…
I never once imagined that I would be thrust into this world, questioning so many things in life. The bureaucracies, the red tapes, the different cultures, the different systems, the idea of profiteering, the capability of human love and even the meaning of life itself. Even my sociology classes back during my university days did nothing of that effect to me. My world and my view of the world is forever changed.
What is considered a norm?
I wonder how I would have answered my professor now that my view of the world is oddly skewed to the extent I don’t even feel human anymore. Is that what growing up does to you?
I feel like an alien living in a planet called Earth. I am desperately trying to save a live I am more than willing to die for at any time. And yet, even my death will not cure her.
Strangely, everyone continues to move on. Everything continues to evolve. And the earth continues to rotate.
I am the only one left standing, immobile, incapacitated and unable to fit in. Do you ever feel the way I do now?
‘Life goes on’
Do you have any idea how repulsive that idea sounds to me right now?
I want to say that I hate it. Yes, I do. How can life still go on when it is obviously wrong? How can a mother outlive her kids? I don’t want life to go on. I don’t want time to heal the wound and I don’t want the pain to become more manageable. I want time to come to a complete stand still. And if its meant for me to feel the pain of loss of someone so dear, so precious, than why let the pain heal with time? Might as well let the pain grow and grow. Seriously, I am out of my mind.
I take it that it is time for me to end this before I drive everyone insane along with my imbalanced hormones and uncontrollable emotions.
This is actually an attempt at me trying to be neutral. Notice that I am not trying to be positive because frankly, I am incapable of anything to that extent at this very moment. All I want to do is cry my heart out, cry till my voice is hoarse and cry until the heaven is touched.
Quite obviously, I have failed miserably. I am not only unable to sound neutral but instead, I am so sore. Angry at what life has thrown at my innocent baby. Angry at myself for being useless and unable to save my baby’s life.
Hence, I have to apologise. I am sorry that I sound like a lunatic right now because this is exactly how I feel right now. I am sorry that I ruin your day with my pessimistic emotions because I really am finding it so hard to stay upbeat about life here.
Please forgive me.
And PLEASE PRAY. PLEASE PRAY FOR A MIRACLE FOR CHARMAINE. My innocent baby.
And please remember all the other innocent children fighting for their lives when they should be fighting for attention and toys.
Since when did life become this difficult…
Love,
Cyn mommy
PS: We are now inpatient at KKH for a nagging fever...
Why not continue 3F8
Sunday, April 24, 2011
A blogger commented earlier, why we did not continue 3F8.
Based on their requirement, Charmaine needs to be in a stable condition. Unfortunately, it was not on our side.
Love, Charlene
Based on their requirement, Charmaine needs to be in a stable condition. Unfortunately, it was not on our side.
Love, Charlene
Updates on Charmaine
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sorry for this lack of updates as things have been turning on the wrong direction for them.
They are still fighting, and please keep praying.
April 17, 10:37pm
Cynthia: I am suddenly out of steam :-( the 2 new lumps in her abdominal are freaking me out totally. They are HUGE. I was okay whole day since yday, but now, I cant stop crying... i dont think I can handle any of this.. I really wish I am the one suffering..
This came in last night, and please keep them safe.
Thanks everyone for their concerns.
Love, Charlene
They are still fighting, and please keep praying.
April 17, 10:37pm
Cynthia: I am suddenly out of steam :-( the 2 new lumps in her abdominal are freaking me out totally. They are HUGE. I was okay whole day since yday, but now, I cant stop crying... i dont think I can handle any of this.. I really wish I am the one suffering..
This came in last night, and please keep them safe.
Thanks everyone for their concerns.
Love, Charlene
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