I have been unable to get onto blogspot the entire time we are inpatient it's so frustrating!
Finally a friend just fixed it.
I will keep the long story for another day but the short story is I NEED HELP.
PLEASE FOR CHAR to have a successful operation and walk out of hospital.
It's been a devastating week for me... I'm heartbroken and I'm just miserable... I don't even know what words can I say...
We are out of curative options now and she has been in a great deal of pain. We have been inpatient for a week and is still struggling to keep her pain under control....
This morning, she woke up unable to move her lower body and unable to urinate...
Our Radiation Oncologist Dr Lee from Mt E rushed us down for an emergent MRI of her spine.... And I got another devastating news...
This honestly is insane and is just so unfair. As if me having to watch my own daughter suffer in pain daily and unable to help isn't enough misery for this mother here. As if me watching all her tumors growing right in front of my eyes every minute, every day isn't enough to suck the life out of me!!! I really feel like I am dying literally.
And as if me having to watch my own child slowly fade away from me each day isn't cruel enough for me....
I can barely breathe each day... I can barely hold myself together... I can badly even feel anything except sadness and misery and devastation....
And it isn't enough?!?!? WHY?!?!?
Dr Lee ran out of the MRI room, asking if I am okay to push char into an emergent spinal operation. I replied, "I cannot think."
What is wrong with this world? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with my family???
I am very grateful to Dr Lee. He basically was the one who started running around, making all the necessary calls... Called Dr Aung, tried to call KKH and get hold of the neurosurgeon...
And than before I know it... Dr Seow from KKH was informed and than the next thing I know is, the team at KKH were waiting for us to come back to KKH in our ambulance... so they could wheel charmaine into the OT to releases the compression on her spinal cord that is causing her to lose the functions of her legs and bladder and god knows what....
I want to say I feel like shit but I know Char is more traumatized than me. When I opened my eyes and saw the scared, shocked expression on her face... I knew something wasnt right... She is freaking out that she couldn't move her legs but yet she didn't shed a tear...
It has been one hell of a day gone terribly wrong... And you think it couldn't get any worse than watching your own child fade away... But yet again, I am wrong. It can get much worse and it did...
Please pray for me that her surgery will be completed successfully and that she will regain the use of her legs and bladder, despite all the other tumor pains....
I will try to update as we go along...
Love,
Cyn mommy
Last minute operation...
Due to her Condition, the doctor has decided to do an op on our princess this evening. Please pray for her while they are preparing to wheel her in soon.
Currently, she has immense pain on her both legs and have difficulty sitting up.
Bless,
Charlene
Currently, she has immense pain on her both legs and have difficulty sitting up.
Bless,
Charlene
This is fever # I lost count!
Monday, May 16, 2011
Hello everyone,
I hope you all had a good time voting and celebrating Mother's Day!
As far as I am concerned, I am alien citizen on this planet called Earth and this country called Singapore. Am I an apathetic Singaporean? I don't know. Probably even worse. Is there such a thing called "Apathetic Human"? That might be a fitting term for me.
It's a strange strange feeling I have been developing through the years of fighting cancer, especially of late.
Everything around me seems to be so disconnected and unrelated to my life purpose and yet, I am still part of this whole process. (Yes, you got it - I am officially INSANE.) Haha... I grinned.
I find it ridiculously hard to function as a normal human being. Someone said I have an old soul. Is that what it is? Is that what an average 50 year human is feeling and thinking? Hmm, I don't know really. I don't even know if I can put down in words adequately how I feel inside.
Here's a scenario of how it feels to be me.
While everyone else was going on and on around me about Election Day and who's better and what's bad, (Please don't misunderstand me - I am not complaining. In fact, those discussions provided a great source of distraction for me each day and it's interesting to know what is going on around me even though I don't feel part of it.) I was anxiously praying that Char's pain would subside and she would be able to walk and play again. It's important how the General Elections will turn out because it will determine the future for my kids. Yet, what future will there be for my Char if I can't find a cure for her...
The feeling is surreal. Relatively, compared to Char's life, everything else seem so insignificant. And the insignificance is increasing with each passing day at such an alarming rate, I don't even know how to make sense out of this life anymore. This questioning of life is as tough as the physical battle of the fight against cancer itself.
A lot of times, I feel this is as much a trial for me, as it is for Char. The physical war is draining but the mental battle is as unforgiving.
In the last 4 months of 2011, we have lost so many, so many precious babies. As I am typing now, so many of our friends in America are without their precious child, many of whom we have come to care and love during our stay in NY. It's devastatingly painful and heartbreaking. They are family that you wake up each morning to, have dinner alongside, played Bingo, shoulders I cried on... Neuroblastoma is so cruel... On some weeks, we lose as many as 3 precious kids.
And just last week, we lost a teenager in KKH. One moment (Saturday), I was talking to his mom as we were inpatient for blood transfusion and he was well. Well, not as good as your normal 16 year old boy but it's as good as he can be for someone fighting cancer. He was diagnosed just last year June and he relapsed this February. His tumor responded to chemotherapy and that's wonderful. But he was fighting an infection from zero immunity. And we got admitted for fever on Friday, barely a few days from I last saw him. Saw that he wasn't inpatient, was glad and thought he went home for a well deserved break. (He had been inpatient for months). Shockingly, I heard another mom said he had passed a few days ago. NO! :-( Not another one! It's too much to bear.
Everybody will die and that's the one thing that no one escapes from. But why, why is it so hard for me to learn to live with it? How does people who work in the medical world deal with death on a daily basis and yet find enough strength and courage to plough on?
There are fewer and fewer blogs that I read these days because many of whom have become angels in the last few months. I used to read to follow on how our friends are coping, learn of the latest clinical trials, and how they overcome the side effects... The knowledge I gained are invaluable. Most importantly, I was holding on to hope as I hear of triumph stories and miraculous healing. Lately, I've been reading of how they deal with own grief. It scares me silly. To actually feel the pain and devastation from just their words, a thousand miles away.
While I cursed and cried with some moms, I also draw a tremendous amount of inspiration from some of the greatest moms around. There's a particular mom I share an affinity with. She is so good at transforming her thoughts into words, the anger, the numbness, the pain, and most of all, the cursing feels so darn good. When I read her words, I am always tempted to just cut and paste her words here. She is the one that I think will make a great partner in crime with me when I want to go around town defaming cancer! www.rockstarronan.com
Caryn Franca, on the other hand, is the one who provides the strength and inspiration I need so badly. The motivation for me to not dwell in my numbness and sorrow. Instead, she reminds me to get up and continue to fight. www.caringbridge.org/visit/francafamily. Above all, she reminds me that I have a life to live, a life that her Nick had fought so hard for...
I couldn't help but feel guilty seeing her Nick. Nick is the one who is facing the beast head on and had never once complain what life had thrown at him. He just kept picking himself up and moving forth, with every obstacle thrown at him, seizing every moment he had in his short life. How does he even do it? I know I will never have his determination and courage. Look at me now, I am not even facing this beast head on, and I already feel beaten and drained. He fought for 6 years while we have been on this journey for only one third of his, yet I am already a weathered old soul who has lost my entire direction in life. I question myself numerous times. Why am I feeling so lost? Why am I allowing despair and hopelessness into my life so easily? Why am I feeling like I can't carry on in this constant state of sadness and helplessness?
HOW does one do it? The one answer that keeps popping up is LOVE.
Love for life. Love for someone so precious you would exchange your life for his or hers. Love for your own children.
I love my children so very much. Hence, I will have to crawl if it comes to that. For them, I have to, right? I read The Rescue by Nicholas Sparks and a particular phrase struck a chord in my heart.
How do I want to teach my children to face adversities in their life?
I cried. It hurt. Never once in my life had I imagined that I would be showing these tremendous amount of weakness in front of my children. This is not the mother role I envisioned as a kid. I wanted to be the mother who is laughing, living and loving life. I don't need my children to be scholars but I need them to be able to always look on the bright side, no matter how tough life is. I want to show them that even though their father doesn't want them and me, we can still make the best of what we have. Life is about falling in love and falling out of love and it doesn't matter how hurt we are, we move on because it's the journey and not the destination that matters. I want my kids to be able to fall madly in love and still pick themselves up even when love doesn't end well. It's all part and parcel of life. I embrace the fact that we once loved and that's all it matters. And I did it, didn't I?
But what happened now?
I am always in tears, as much as I hate it. I simply can't control it. This is the mother that Jase and Char have now. What am I to do? I even lost my love for life. How than can I show my own kids to love life? Everything seems wrong. Will I be the very culprit that ruin my children's lives instead of cancer? Am I truly going to allow cancer to suck the very essence of life from me? Is it too late for me? Can I still be the mother I envisioned for my children? The mother who laughs, lives and loves life despite everything that life has thrown at her.
When I think along this way... My survival instinct kicks in. I refuse to let cancer steal my baby away. I refuse to let cancer rob the mother that truly belongs to Jase and Char. The mother that laughs, lives and loves.
But yet, wouldn't this be an unnatural person if all I could do is to be one for the sake of wanting to be one, instead of just being one.
Hmm, do I make any sense now? Probably not huh? This is a rambling entry written for myself more than anyone.
It looks like a scene out of the movies where I have an angel and a demon standing on my head, each fighting to control my mind. And that's what's going through my head now. I am having this internal war within my head, trying to right my course towards hope and light. Finding every possible reason to convince myself to look on the bright side, to carry on, whether I like it or not, whether I want it or not. And more importantly, I have to carry on in the right way, the way I have always envisioned... The way I need to show my kids...
I'm telling you, its insanely tough. Everything is.
We are now inpatient at KKH. Came in for a consultation and platelet transfusion on Friday which turned into fever the moment we stepped into the ward! And for 2 days, we were working so hard to bring her high temperature down! Ironically, last night, I found myself trying desperately to bring her temperature UP because 35.8 degrees is too low! Just how much more fun can life throw at us huh!
I wanted to scream "Bloody Hell" so badly. However, I am reminded of the fact that unlike me, a lot of my friends are without their precious babies while I am playing with Char's temperature, bringing it up and down, feeling ridiculously insane. Nevertheless, while I know I should smile and be grateful that I am fretting and worrying about Char's temperature, it still just isn't easy! How does one even find the heart to feel grateful when you are so worried that you feel your heart can stop any moment?!?! And yet, I am expected to feel that and do it.
Medical Front
Charmaine's fever has subsided thankfully and we will probably be inpatient until Wednesday. She is still having pains. Leg pains and tummy pains but thank god, the morphine is doing it's job in keeping her pain within bearable levels. Of course, she tends to be in a certain level of discomfort throughout because the pain never really goes away. However, my little fighter will grab every minute to walk and move whenever she can. I sincerely believe it's your prayers that have carried us through. Thank you.
I've wasted last week of my life unable to function and hence, as a result, no one else seem to be moving along. In medical or should I say in life as well, one thing I have learned is while you trust your doctors to do their job, one needs to always work on it yourself as well. It's like what they say - not to depend entirely on others but ourselves in all situations. I'm not advocating you to doubt your doctors but I believe that it's for everyone's interest that we work together as a team.
In short, this translates to me dragging my slumped soul up and get my butt moving! It's time to start knocking and banging on doors again!
Oh God, I am so exhausted, physically and mentally. But hey, Charmaine only has me. And I am not the one suffering in pain so who am I to say that I am exhausted? Really, Cyn STAND UP and move on!
Love,
Cyn mommy
I hope you all had a good time voting and celebrating Mother's Day!
As far as I am concerned, I am alien citizen on this planet called Earth and this country called Singapore. Am I an apathetic Singaporean? I don't know. Probably even worse. Is there such a thing called "Apathetic Human"? That might be a fitting term for me.
It's a strange strange feeling I have been developing through the years of fighting cancer, especially of late.
Everything around me seems to be so disconnected and unrelated to my life purpose and yet, I am still part of this whole process. (Yes, you got it - I am officially INSANE.) Haha... I grinned.
I find it ridiculously hard to function as a normal human being. Someone said I have an old soul. Is that what it is? Is that what an average 50 year human is feeling and thinking? Hmm, I don't know really. I don't even know if I can put down in words adequately how I feel inside.
Here's a scenario of how it feels to be me.
While everyone else was going on and on around me about Election Day and who's better and what's bad, (Please don't misunderstand me - I am not complaining. In fact, those discussions provided a great source of distraction for me each day and it's interesting to know what is going on around me even though I don't feel part of it.) I was anxiously praying that Char's pain would subside and she would be able to walk and play again. It's important how the General Elections will turn out because it will determine the future for my kids. Yet, what future will there be for my Char if I can't find a cure for her...
The feeling is surreal. Relatively, compared to Char's life, everything else seem so insignificant. And the insignificance is increasing with each passing day at such an alarming rate, I don't even know how to make sense out of this life anymore. This questioning of life is as tough as the physical battle of the fight against cancer itself.
A lot of times, I feel this is as much a trial for me, as it is for Char. The physical war is draining but the mental battle is as unforgiving.
In the last 4 months of 2011, we have lost so many, so many precious babies. As I am typing now, so many of our friends in America are without their precious child, many of whom we have come to care and love during our stay in NY. It's devastatingly painful and heartbreaking. They are family that you wake up each morning to, have dinner alongside, played Bingo, shoulders I cried on... Neuroblastoma is so cruel... On some weeks, we lose as many as 3 precious kids.
And just last week, we lost a teenager in KKH. One moment (Saturday), I was talking to his mom as we were inpatient for blood transfusion and he was well. Well, not as good as your normal 16 year old boy but it's as good as he can be for someone fighting cancer. He was diagnosed just last year June and he relapsed this February. His tumor responded to chemotherapy and that's wonderful. But he was fighting an infection from zero immunity. And we got admitted for fever on Friday, barely a few days from I last saw him. Saw that he wasn't inpatient, was glad and thought he went home for a well deserved break. (He had been inpatient for months). Shockingly, I heard another mom said he had passed a few days ago. NO! :-( Not another one! It's too much to bear.
Everybody will die and that's the one thing that no one escapes from. But why, why is it so hard for me to learn to live with it? How does people who work in the medical world deal with death on a daily basis and yet find enough strength and courage to plough on?
There are fewer and fewer blogs that I read these days because many of whom have become angels in the last few months. I used to read to follow on how our friends are coping, learn of the latest clinical trials, and how they overcome the side effects... The knowledge I gained are invaluable. Most importantly, I was holding on to hope as I hear of triumph stories and miraculous healing. Lately, I've been reading of how they deal with own grief. It scares me silly. To actually feel the pain and devastation from just their words, a thousand miles away.
While I cursed and cried with some moms, I also draw a tremendous amount of inspiration from some of the greatest moms around. There's a particular mom I share an affinity with. She is so good at transforming her thoughts into words, the anger, the numbness, the pain, and most of all, the cursing feels so darn good. When I read her words, I am always tempted to just cut and paste her words here. She is the one that I think will make a great partner in crime with me when I want to go around town defaming cancer! www.rockstarronan.com
Caryn Franca, on the other hand, is the one who provides the strength and inspiration I need so badly. The motivation for me to not dwell in my numbness and sorrow. Instead, she reminds me to get up and continue to fight. www.caringbridge.org/visit/francafamily. Above all, she reminds me that I have a life to live, a life that her Nick had fought so hard for...
I couldn't help but feel guilty seeing her Nick. Nick is the one who is facing the beast head on and had never once complain what life had thrown at him. He just kept picking himself up and moving forth, with every obstacle thrown at him, seizing every moment he had in his short life. How does he even do it? I know I will never have his determination and courage. Look at me now, I am not even facing this beast head on, and I already feel beaten and drained. He fought for 6 years while we have been on this journey for only one third of his, yet I am already a weathered old soul who has lost my entire direction in life. I question myself numerous times. Why am I feeling so lost? Why am I allowing despair and hopelessness into my life so easily? Why am I feeling like I can't carry on in this constant state of sadness and helplessness?
HOW does one do it? The one answer that keeps popping up is LOVE.
Love for life. Love for someone so precious you would exchange your life for his or hers. Love for your own children.
I love my children so very much. Hence, I will have to crawl if it comes to that. For them, I have to, right? I read The Rescue by Nicholas Sparks and a particular phrase struck a chord in my heart.
How do I want to teach my children to face adversities in their life?
I cried. It hurt. Never once in my life had I imagined that I would be showing these tremendous amount of weakness in front of my children. This is not the mother role I envisioned as a kid. I wanted to be the mother who is laughing, living and loving life. I don't need my children to be scholars but I need them to be able to always look on the bright side, no matter how tough life is. I want to show them that even though their father doesn't want them and me, we can still make the best of what we have. Life is about falling in love and falling out of love and it doesn't matter how hurt we are, we move on because it's the journey and not the destination that matters. I want my kids to be able to fall madly in love and still pick themselves up even when love doesn't end well. It's all part and parcel of life. I embrace the fact that we once loved and that's all it matters. And I did it, didn't I?
But what happened now?
I am always in tears, as much as I hate it. I simply can't control it. This is the mother that Jase and Char have now. What am I to do? I even lost my love for life. How than can I show my own kids to love life? Everything seems wrong. Will I be the very culprit that ruin my children's lives instead of cancer? Am I truly going to allow cancer to suck the very essence of life from me? Is it too late for me? Can I still be the mother I envisioned for my children? The mother who laughs, lives and loves life despite everything that life has thrown at her.
When I think along this way... My survival instinct kicks in. I refuse to let cancer steal my baby away. I refuse to let cancer rob the mother that truly belongs to Jase and Char. The mother that laughs, lives and loves.
But yet, wouldn't this be an unnatural person if all I could do is to be one for the sake of wanting to be one, instead of just being one.
Hmm, do I make any sense now? Probably not huh? This is a rambling entry written for myself more than anyone.
It looks like a scene out of the movies where I have an angel and a demon standing on my head, each fighting to control my mind. And that's what's going through my head now. I am having this internal war within my head, trying to right my course towards hope and light. Finding every possible reason to convince myself to look on the bright side, to carry on, whether I like it or not, whether I want it or not. And more importantly, I have to carry on in the right way, the way I have always envisioned... The way I need to show my kids...
I'm telling you, its insanely tough. Everything is.
We are now inpatient at KKH. Came in for a consultation and platelet transfusion on Friday which turned into fever the moment we stepped into the ward! And for 2 days, we were working so hard to bring her high temperature down! Ironically, last night, I found myself trying desperately to bring her temperature UP because 35.8 degrees is too low! Just how much more fun can life throw at us huh!
I wanted to scream "Bloody Hell" so badly. However, I am reminded of the fact that unlike me, a lot of my friends are without their precious babies while I am playing with Char's temperature, bringing it up and down, feeling ridiculously insane. Nevertheless, while I know I should smile and be grateful that I am fretting and worrying about Char's temperature, it still just isn't easy! How does one even find the heart to feel grateful when you are so worried that you feel your heart can stop any moment?!?! And yet, I am expected to feel that and do it.
Medical Front
Charmaine's fever has subsided thankfully and we will probably be inpatient until Wednesday. She is still having pains. Leg pains and tummy pains but thank god, the morphine is doing it's job in keeping her pain within bearable levels. Of course, she tends to be in a certain level of discomfort throughout because the pain never really goes away. However, my little fighter will grab every minute to walk and move whenever she can. I sincerely believe it's your prayers that have carried us through. Thank you.
I've wasted last week of my life unable to function and hence, as a result, no one else seem to be moving along. In medical or should I say in life as well, one thing I have learned is while you trust your doctors to do their job, one needs to always work on it yourself as well. It's like what they say - not to depend entirely on others but ourselves in all situations. I'm not advocating you to doubt your doctors but I believe that it's for everyone's interest that we work together as a team.
In short, this translates to me dragging my slumped soul up and get my butt moving! It's time to start knocking and banging on doors again!
Oh God, I am so exhausted, physically and mentally. But hey, Charmaine only has me. And I am not the one suffering in pain so who am I to say that I am exhausted? Really, Cyn STAND UP and move on!
Love,
Cyn mommy
Mother's Day 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Mother's Day Gift
What gifts do I desire on this Mother's Day?
I sit and I ponder for awhile
The hand-made treasures and store-bought trinkets
Should surely bring a smile
For some these gifts would be just fine
On this, so special a day
But no, not for this mother
I see things another way
The things I want cannot be bought
My gifts must come from Above
Please Lord, my list is from the heart
And borne of a Mother's love
I want to watch her play
I want to watch her grow
I want to hear her say
"Watch me, see how far I can throw"
I want to hear her laughter
Delight in every smile
I want her "ever after"
Running free and wild
Her future calls and calls to me...
I don't even know where to start
I want all the "firsts" that are yet to be
First kiss, first love, first broken heart...
These things so ordinary
I scarcely dare to dream
I want them all Dear Lord
and so much more unseen
You gave me the gift of this child so precious
I thank You with all my heart
Every moment together I cherish
From her, I cannot bear to part
Please grant me my wish Dear Lord
Today, and all my Mother's Days to come
My only wish is for the treasure You already gave me
The treasure of my daughter, Char....
I really want to write but I am finding it hard even eating...
PET SCAN RESULTS:
More tumors, more tumors in her lungs, in her lower abdomen, in her thighs. Soft tissue diseases suck big time.
Almost all but one doctor is saying: "There's medically nothing to be done." OR, "How about bringing Charmaine to Disney?"
And the one left standing with me right now is Dr Aung.
I cannot even begin to tell you how devastated I am.
In Survival Mode for awhile...
For the last 3 days from Wed to Fri, I have been doing everything I possibly can, reading, calling, making appointments and just making sure that there are doors opened for Charmaine.
And I did. I found all the doors I could and they are now opened.
The quiet weekend has brought out the intense pain in my heart which I've been withholding and hiding firmly over the 3 weekdays, keeping my mind focused on what had to be done, instead of crying out in desperation.
But the quiet weekend... I couldnt withhold my emotions any longer... and now I find that I cant think... I am struggling and I feel weak and sick, but I cant stop and rest because I am the only person Char has... She is depending on me and me alone...
Over the weekend, we had a a few small talks about her thoughts on treatment and travelling...
She said very clearly not once, not twice but many times...
"I WANT TO GET WELL!"
While we both prefer to stay at home... home isnt the place with options anymore. I managed to find some treatment options available for home and Dr Aung has agreed to treat but it takes time for the drugs to be found, brought into Singapore.....
And I dont know how much time...
At the back of my mind the entire time, Char words keep ringing in my head:
"I WANT TO GET WELL"
Love,
Cyn mommy
What gifts do I desire on this Mother's Day?
I sit and I ponder for awhile
The hand-made treasures and store-bought trinkets
Should surely bring a smile
For some these gifts would be just fine
On this, so special a day
But no, not for this mother
I see things another way
The things I want cannot be bought
My gifts must come from Above
Please Lord, my list is from the heart
And borne of a Mother's love
I want to watch her play
I want to watch her grow
I want to hear her say
"Watch me, see how far I can throw"
I want to hear her laughter
Delight in every smile
I want her "ever after"
Running free and wild
Her future calls and calls to me...
I don't even know where to start
I want all the "firsts" that are yet to be
First kiss, first love, first broken heart...
These things so ordinary
I scarcely dare to dream
I want them all Dear Lord
and so much more unseen
You gave me the gift of this child so precious
I thank You with all my heart
Every moment together I cherish
From her, I cannot bear to part
Please grant me my wish Dear Lord
Today, and all my Mother's Days to come
My only wish is for the treasure You already gave me
The treasure of my daughter, Char....
I really want to write but I am finding it hard even eating...
PET SCAN RESULTS:
More tumors, more tumors in her lungs, in her lower abdomen, in her thighs. Soft tissue diseases suck big time.
Almost all but one doctor is saying: "There's medically nothing to be done." OR, "How about bringing Charmaine to Disney?"
And the one left standing with me right now is Dr Aung.
I cannot even begin to tell you how devastated I am.
In Survival Mode for awhile...
For the last 3 days from Wed to Fri, I have been doing everything I possibly can, reading, calling, making appointments and just making sure that there are doors opened for Charmaine.
And I did. I found all the doors I could and they are now opened.
The quiet weekend has brought out the intense pain in my heart which I've been withholding and hiding firmly over the 3 weekdays, keeping my mind focused on what had to be done, instead of crying out in desperation.
But the quiet weekend... I couldnt withhold my emotions any longer... and now I find that I cant think... I am struggling and I feel weak and sick, but I cant stop and rest because I am the only person Char has... She is depending on me and me alone...
Over the weekend, we had a a few small talks about her thoughts on treatment and travelling...
She said very clearly not once, not twice but many times...
"I WANT TO GET WELL!"
While we both prefer to stay at home... home isnt the place with options anymore. I managed to find some treatment options available for home and Dr Aung has agreed to treat but it takes time for the drugs to be found, brought into Singapore.....
And I dont know how much time...
At the back of my mind the entire time, Char words keep ringing in my head:
"I WANT TO GET WELL"
Love,
Cyn mommy
Waiting for PET scan
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Its Tuesday morning... We are waiting for Char PET scan and I don't know what I'm thinking.
We started chemo last Friday. I want to tell you what cycle that is but I lost count. Am I pathetic or is it me aging exponentially?
I know I have to be positive. I know I have to cast away all my negative thoughts.
But believe me, it's insane. Its beyond insanity actually. To be able to see the tumors with your naked eyes and to be able to track their growth like a medical doctor. I didn't know that a mother has to endure anything like that... Beyond anything humane.
I dont want to know the results tmr. I don't think I can come and collect the report and not suffer a heart attack or a stroke.
What am I supposed to do? I pictured them as frogs and is willing them to just die and disappear but my will power is heavily used up... Barely enough to last me another day...
We are finishing up chemo today and hopefully, we will finally go home and sleep on our beds. We have not even touched them since we landed.
I can't write any more.
But please keep those prayers coming in. Please pray that we have good scan results.
Please pray that Char pain is controlled and she can regain her ability to walk again.
Thank you all.
Love,
Cyn
We started chemo last Friday. I want to tell you what cycle that is but I lost count. Am I pathetic or is it me aging exponentially?
I know I have to be positive. I know I have to cast away all my negative thoughts.
But believe me, it's insane. Its beyond insanity actually. To be able to see the tumors with your naked eyes and to be able to track their growth like a medical doctor. I didn't know that a mother has to endure anything like that... Beyond anything humane.
I dont want to know the results tmr. I don't think I can come and collect the report and not suffer a heart attack or a stroke.
What am I supposed to do? I pictured them as frogs and is willing them to just die and disappear but my will power is heavily used up... Barely enough to last me another day...
We are finishing up chemo today and hopefully, we will finally go home and sleep on our beds. We have not even touched them since we landed.
I can't write any more.
But please keep those prayers coming in. Please pray that we have good scan results.
Please pray that Char pain is controlled and she can regain her ability to walk again.
Thank you all.
Love,
Cyn
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