My heart hurts...

Honey,

Today, mommy has decided to stop IV chemo for you. Mommy is hurting and mommy is so scared... But my heart is telling me it's time to stop... I don't wish to poison you anymore... I simply can't bring myself to kill whatever little healthy cells you have left...

Your eyes are so full of life. Anyone who sees you can see the sparkles and see the love in them. You are still so happy, so lively and so full of dreams... No one can even tell that you are in so much pain, unable to turn, unable to sit, unable to move. That's how amazing and inspiring you are, my little princess.

Two and a half years... I've been poisoning you non stop, in the hope of saving you...
Today, I finally have the courage to say "Let's stop".

You won't give up, right? Neither will I. Stopping chemo doesn't mean that we are giving up.

It simply means that we are believing that what medical science can't fix, our minds and faith can.

Let's ask for all the uncles and aunties out there to help us spread the word, pray for your healing and recovery. Mommy will continue to find other treatments to help you and enjoy every single minute together with you...

I love you baby. I am so blessed to have you as my baby. I love you so so so much. Big hug and a big kiss.

Love,
Your Mommy.

PS: If you pray, please pray for Char... To be the miraculous healing we have all been praying for.

Good Morning Mom! I love you!

This is truly the best way to wake up every single morning! I would give anything just to wake up every single morning hearing my kids say that to my ears and seal it with a kiss.

I love it and I am very happy. Life is defined by moments and moments like these are truly priceless. Worth every drop of tear, every heartache, every suffering, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thank you to the one who made yesterday and today very much cherished memories.

We had an awesome day yesterday. Jase spent the entire day in hospital. I missed him so much and so did Char. She has been asking for days to have Jase but we havent been having many good days.

Char ate much more then she did in weeks which was wonderful. Jase spent hours teaching Char Maths and Char enjoyed having her brother to teach her the homework. We watched a movie - Tinkerbell and she slept sweetly with minimum pain.

As for me, I finally found enough interest to read and completed an entire novel in 8hours and ended up with lack of sleep this morning. Nevertheless, it was therapeutic and I enjoyed my book so much! It was funny, witty and most of all, I smiled, laughed and giggled along with the characters. A wonderful reprive from our reality.

Char woke up to kiss me good morning but she's still rather tired. So she went back to sleep and Jase will be coming later again.

But it will be spelling day today - Jase is gonna be a whiney boy. Haha.

Did I mention that I'm having the time of my life now?

Love,
Cyn mommy

I am a mother of possibilities.

Thank you to a special mommy who gave me the best comfort today.

The scan results are dismay.

I am wishing for a freak accident to happen to me so I can not feel hurt anymore...

Thanks to your words, you have steered me back onto the right path, the path to continue the fight, because Char isn't giving up, what right do I have to?

Doctors are simply amazed that despite what they are seeing in the scans, Char is doing so well, not even displaying any symptoms of breathlessness, coughing or discomfort in chest...

She is simply amazing that way... My princess, my strength, my guiding light...

But still, everything sucks! I wish I could make all these pain go away and just let my child be a normal 6 year old...

This is so unfair!!!

Scanxiety once again...

If you pray, please pray for Char to have stable scans. That's all I need to hear but even the simplest of wishes can be so distance from me.

We actually have had quite a number of scans done prior to today that I've not mentioned in the blog. Part pointless, part exhaustion, part denial... Mostly just wanting to absorb everything privately myself...

I'm not sure why I'm mentioning about scanxiety today again... Maybe I'm already losing my mind...

I feel like I can't breathe properly and is on auto mode again...

Please pray for good results... For me to remain calm and strong...

I hate this feeling of fear...

Thank you.

Love,
Cyn mommy

Not quite ready to face the world yet but...

I think I can at least muster enough courage to reopen the site, so as not to make our friends worry...

Thank you for bearing with me while I took time to re-think and re-focus, and just stayed away from all things virtual.

It was a much needed break and it definitely helped to call my nerves a little. I thought I am fully recharged and ready to start blogging again but apparently, it isn't as simple as what I assumed...

The moment I re-logged into blogger, I am feeling all the anxiety and stress again. I don't know why, I can't explain it but it just does...

As you can see, I've hardly mentioned much about my princess. She isn't doing great but she's holding up as well as one can possibly imagine with all the pain and immobility.

I am obviously not doing justice to her strength and courage because seeing her, one would be totally ashamed. On our good days, she is smiling, playing UNO, doing her Primary 1 maths homework, doing craft... All these while in pain, unable to move, in a laying down position. I don't even know what is the correct word to describe her resilience, her awe-inspiring will to get well.

Needless to say, on our bad days, I just feel like dying myself.

One day, I will have to sit down, write down every little amazing thing she has done and every ounce of effort she is putting in on a daily basis to just get well. She hears the doctors talk of shifting her body to prevent bed sores from getting worse and she will ask me to help her shift her lower body while she pulls her upper body with her arms on the side rail. Imagine yourself doing an amazing feat like that with barely any food intake for almost 3 weeks now and imagine the sheer determination needed to overcome the pain which is obviously there and which she understandably will experience as she shifts ever so slightly. She does it without any complain and she simply grits her teeth together and do it!

My 6 year old little girl. My amazing warrior. My greatest teacher in life.

This is buy simply one example of our daily life. And it's on a good day.

A minute in our lives during a bad day probably will have a normal average person wishing for death instead. And I mean it. It's no joke and it will tear you apart alive. Heartbroken is just an grossly understatement of my emotions.

I am trying my very best to not drown. But I know that I am sinking slowly daily.

Please, if you do not know what better words to offer us, silence is better appreciated. I am still fighting. So is my princess. I am extremely fragile and extremely vulnerable. I simply can't take anything else except words of encouragement.

Please trust my princess and me that we are doing what we know best. We are merely fighting to LIVE. How wrong can a decision like this be I do not know!

Support us, pray for us, believe in us and with us. Even when everyone else around you and me think otherwise, please still continue in this fight with us. We will die fighting, if it comes to that. As long as my baby has another minute to smile, to play UNO with me, it's another minute worth fighting for, and worth living for.

She is defying odds every second of her life and is wowing the medical angels in the ward daily with her amazingly strong will and remarkable ability to make every second count.

She will be my miracle.

Love,
Cyn mommy