Not quite ready to face the world yet but...

I think I can at least muster enough courage to reopen the site, so as not to make our friends worry...

Thank you for bearing with me while I took time to re-think and re-focus, and just stayed away from all things virtual.

It was a much needed break and it definitely helped to call my nerves a little. I thought I am fully recharged and ready to start blogging again but apparently, it isn't as simple as what I assumed...

The moment I re-logged into blogger, I am feeling all the anxiety and stress again. I don't know why, I can't explain it but it just does...

As you can see, I've hardly mentioned much about my princess. She isn't doing great but she's holding up as well as one can possibly imagine with all the pain and immobility.

I am obviously not doing justice to her strength and courage because seeing her, one would be totally ashamed. On our good days, she is smiling, playing UNO, doing her Primary 1 maths homework, doing craft... All these while in pain, unable to move, in a laying down position. I don't even know what is the correct word to describe her resilience, her awe-inspiring will to get well.

Needless to say, on our bad days, I just feel like dying myself.

One day, I will have to sit down, write down every little amazing thing she has done and every ounce of effort she is putting in on a daily basis to just get well. She hears the doctors talk of shifting her body to prevent bed sores from getting worse and she will ask me to help her shift her lower body while she pulls her upper body with her arms on the side rail. Imagine yourself doing an amazing feat like that with barely any food intake for almost 3 weeks now and imagine the sheer determination needed to overcome the pain which is obviously there and which she understandably will experience as she shifts ever so slightly. She does it without any complain and she simply grits her teeth together and do it!

My 6 year old little girl. My amazing warrior. My greatest teacher in life.

This is buy simply one example of our daily life. And it's on a good day.

A minute in our lives during a bad day probably will have a normal average person wishing for death instead. And I mean it. It's no joke and it will tear you apart alive. Heartbroken is just an grossly understatement of my emotions.

I am trying my very best to not drown. But I know that I am sinking slowly daily.

Please, if you do not know what better words to offer us, silence is better appreciated. I am still fighting. So is my princess. I am extremely fragile and extremely vulnerable. I simply can't take anything else except words of encouragement.

Please trust my princess and me that we are doing what we know best. We are merely fighting to LIVE. How wrong can a decision like this be I do not know!

Support us, pray for us, believe in us and with us. Even when everyone else around you and me think otherwise, please still continue in this fight with us. We will die fighting, if it comes to that. As long as my baby has another minute to smile, to play UNO with me, it's another minute worth fighting for, and worth living for.

She is defying odds every second of her life and is wowing the medical angels in the ward daily with her amazingly strong will and remarkable ability to make every second count.

She will be my miracle.

Love,
Cyn mommy