Not quite ready to face the world yet but...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I think I can at least muster enough courage to reopen the site, so as not to make our friends worry...

Thank you for bearing with me while I took time to re-think and re-focus, and just stayed away from all things virtual.

It was a much needed break and it definitely helped to call my nerves a little. I thought I am fully recharged and ready to start blogging again but apparently, it isn't as simple as what I assumed...

The moment I re-logged into blogger, I am feeling all the anxiety and stress again. I don't know why, I can't explain it but it just does...

As you can see, I've hardly mentioned much about my princess. She isn't doing great but she's holding up as well as one can possibly imagine with all the pain and immobility.

I am obviously not doing justice to her strength and courage because seeing her, one would be totally ashamed. On our good days, she is smiling, playing UNO, doing her Primary 1 maths homework, doing craft... All these while in pain, unable to move, in a laying down position. I don't even know what is the correct word to describe her resilience, her awe-inspiring will to get well.

Needless to say, on our bad days, I just feel like dying myself.

One day, I will have to sit down, write down every little amazing thing she has done and every ounce of effort she is putting in on a daily basis to just get well. She hears the doctors talk of shifting her body to prevent bed sores from getting worse and she will ask me to help her shift her lower body while she pulls her upper body with her arms on the side rail. Imagine yourself doing an amazing feat like that with barely any food intake for almost 3 weeks now and imagine the sheer determination needed to overcome the pain which is obviously there and which she understandably will experience as she shifts ever so slightly. She does it without any complain and she simply grits her teeth together and do it!

My 6 year old little girl. My amazing warrior. My greatest teacher in life.

This is buy simply one example of our daily life. And it's on a good day.

A minute in our lives during a bad day probably will have a normal average person wishing for death instead. And I mean it. It's no joke and it will tear you apart alive. Heartbroken is just an grossly understatement of my emotions.

I am trying my very best to not drown. But I know that I am sinking slowly daily.

Please, if you do not know what better words to offer us, silence is better appreciated. I am still fighting. So is my princess. I am extremely fragile and extremely vulnerable. I simply can't take anything else except words of encouragement.

Please trust my princess and me that we are doing what we know best. We are merely fighting to LIVE. How wrong can a decision like this be I do not know!

Support us, pray for us, believe in us and with us. Even when everyone else around you and me think otherwise, please still continue in this fight with us. We will die fighting, if it comes to that. As long as my baby has another minute to smile, to play UNO with me, it's another minute worth fighting for, and worth living for.

She is defying odds every second of her life and is wowing the medical angels in the ward daily with her amazingly strong will and remarkable ability to make every second count.

She will be my miracle.

Cyn mommy


Junita said...

Don't give up. You have all my support.

I am not sure whether you have tried traditional Chinese medical treatment. If you are keen, please visit this clinic:

Guilin Acupuncture Clinic & Medical Hall Llp
Tel: 6272 0493

I know moving Charmaine is difficult now. If you are interested in pursuing this, let me know. I will work something out with the doctor.

smilezz85 said...

Mummy, mus Jia you! Anything u need jus contact me k?

smilezz85 said...

Don't care what others say. Only u can decide for Charmaine.

~ Angela Chua

Rachel said...

Hi if i were to head directly to the kkh where char is staying, can i request to donate directly to her?
If no then i will head to woodlands civic plaza instead.

Does she only need platlets or also blood? i belong to O+.

Can i also pay a visit to her? i will be bringing my son to kkh end of this month for a followup. Just wondering. Of course if it is not convinient i am totally fine with it.

i can be contacted at
sorry i dont usually openly say m mobile number. But i check my email everyday and i can give you my number in our email

a said...

All the best to you and Charmaine. Sending positive, healing vibes your way.

puppy lust said...

You have been having your hands full on charmaine. Have you at any moment think for yourself, catch a breather or something? It must be hard on you ya.

Dee.. said...

*__* very hard on you. we are here , listening to you. pour out to us.

Ms. Potatoe said...

Hope you're still hanging there!! Noticed you're gone on FB. At least you're back on here. Keep fighting, Im thinking of coming to paint nails for you guys when she's better. Let me know ya. Meanwhile, keep fighting. I read its a lot of frustration going on in the hospital, unfortunately things are not that efficient in a supposedly very efficient country. xoxo

Patricia said...

I was introduced to this blog by a friend some time back and I too hv learnt from you and your princess. To face the world bravely and fight on. Will pray for Char and really wish her well. Take care, Cyn mummy. We may not hv met but there are people out there who care. Jia you!

Grace said...

I will never give up praying for you and Charmaine. Don't ever, ever give up! You have my silent support and prayers. *hugs*

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