A hundred days without you

Dear Char Char,

Today is 28th January of 2012. Today marks the first 100 days of our lives without you. Another milestone, one that I had very nearly forgotten until auntie Joan reminded mommy in your blog.

Sweetheart, I've survived the last 100 days without ever counting how many days has it been since that fateful day when I lost you forever. Frankly, mommy is surprised. Surprised that I wasn't counting. Or maybe, I know myself well enough to know that counting and marking every single day without you in my life will only bring so much sorrows and pain that will do nothing to mend my already broken heart and lost soul.

To be honest, I am such a coward that I don't even dare to look back to all the "last year this day" in my life. Why couldn't I just simply reflect and rejoice in the memories of how happy, how brave and how resilient you were for everyday of the last year... After all, I will only have this one chance to use the words "last year this day" for only the next 9 months of my life. And after all, you were always happy, always loving me so much, always smiling in every single day of your life...

But honey, it's so hard to be remembering you, your smiles, your voice, your love and not be aware of what I once had and now forever lost... Am I being a greedy human who doesn't know of contentment? Am I burying myself in this deep sea of self pity and wallow because I am weak? Should I have already walked out of all this misery because my loss is not exclusive only to me. Is it wrong to continue to cry and forget to treasure what I have left with me because I am not the only mother who has lost a child?

People say happiness is a choice. It is my belief as well. Why then am I unable to feel happiness the way I once felt? Does it mean that I am consciously choosing to be depressed, upset and miserable? Baby, are there any sane and rational persons that will actually consciously choose to live life being in so much pain? Mommy is trying though. I wake up everyday reminding myself you did it. You were able to choose happiness instead of sadness. I have to, I have absolutely no reason to fail you. However, almost every action takes an extra amount of effort to achieve. It takes more to smile, it takes more to laugh, it takes more to stay hopeful, it takes more to be excited. And yet, the desired outcome seems to be lesser, even with the more effort. The laughters sound odd, the smiles look a little unnatural, the hope seems a little unrealistic and the excitement doesn't have the same adrenaline effect.

Nevertheless, we smiled, laughed, hoped and continue to be excited about life. Because you have always been.

Just the other day, the TV was showing a Talent Program in China. One of the contestants was a Mongolian little boy who sang almost as beautifully as you did. But I would say you were better! He was 10 and he lost both his parents at a tender age. He sang a song to his mommy entitled "The mommy in my dreams". At that moment, it hit me like a thousand waves. You could hear the pain, the yearning and the hurt in his little voice. Apparently Mongolian men aren't allowed to shed tears and hence he didn't cry.

I realized all of a sudden that I am so grateful that I am the one who has lost you and not the other way around. It has never occured to me that you and Jase could have been the ones hurting so badly instead. All these while, if there had been a way, I was so determined, so willing and more than prepared to give up my worthless life in exchange for yours. I had prayed fervently, day and night crying out to whoever was in charge of human lives: Take mine instead, please!!! Spare my child, let her live!!!

That night, I saw how the little boy was in pain. That night, I remember my own pain. There was absolutely no doubt that both you and Jase could have been the ones suffering such indescribable pain for the rest of your lives... That night, I am oddly and truly relieved that I am the one who has lost you and that I am the one suffering instead. It is such an odd feeling.

Granted, it's not exactly a rational thought but at that moment, my loss and my pain seem to have an oddly positive ring to it. No doubt, mommy will constantly be reminded of my pain, my loss, wishing that you were here to experience all of what life has to offer with Jase and me. Nevertheless, you will be sending me little blessings such as that night, every step in my journey, bringing me moments of peace and relief, even if it's temporary and not always convincing to myself...

One day, all these moments of peace and relief will accumulate enough for my pain to be quietly tucked away in one corner of my heart where you live on forever... And maybe, I might even be able to announce to the world that I am glad you lived no matter how short-lived that was and I am able to appreciate having you for that short and precious 6 years instead of lamenting of all the years that we could have had together...

Mommy still has a lot to learn in life. Thank you my precious child for the wonderful lessons you have taught me and continues to teach me through your memories. I love you my dearest child. I miss you more every single day.

One day, I will learn to smile like you again. This I promise.

Motherhood is truly one of the most magical experiences in life. To all mothers out there, aren't you glad to be a woman called mommy?

Baby girl, I am so darn proud that I am your momma, the one shedding tears for you! One in a gazilion chances, and I am the one! Thank you!

Love,
Cyn mommy

Last Day of the Year of Rabbit

Today is Chinese New Year Eve.
Today is the last day of the year of Rabbit in the chinese zodiac calendar.
Today is the day where families come together to have their reunion dinner, sit around the table, have steamboat and have fun.
Today, we will be visiting you at the temple to have our reunion dinner.

Today, Jase is extremely excited. He cant wait to have his "Lao Hei" and the crackers on the "Yu Sheng".
Today, our home is beautifully decorated with dragon decors, flowers and many other red stuff.
Today, we will all celebrate one of your favourite holidays.

We have managed to do everything without you.
Theoretically, it's everyone who has managed to put together a Chinese New Year mood in our home like we have always done. Since mommy was very young.

Yup, everyone except me. What was I doing the whole time? I mull in my room, sit on my bed, read up on the 4 kids that we have lost to neuroblastoma in the last 7 days. I watched a couple of movies and pretty much did nothing constructive. The closest 'productive' thing I did was to present myself at wherever whenever necessary. I sit at the dining table when it's time to eat and I happily finish the yummy food, wondering what would you be saying beside me right now.

Gu Gu kept nagging at me to pack. I ignored him totally. I hate it when he does that to me. He doesn't understand that it's not that I don't want to pack. My heart and my brain doesn't work on equal frequency. Or maybe, I indeed DON'T want to pack. I refuse to remove anything that has you in it. I don't even want them to be 'out of sight' to me. I am not capable of walking near anything that has something to do with you and not break down. I can't bring myself to consciously look through your pictures or videos but I love to have you there like they always have been. I don't even want to change the sheet that you have slept on.

Chinese New Year would probably have been a little more pleasant if I didn't have to put your stuff aside.

Jase Kor Kor is mommy's saviour. He started packing our room yesterday and he did a pretty darn good job. I feel so ashamed of myself that I need my young son to be the little adult and yet I am so proud of him.

While I was hiding in my room, stubbornly refusing to pack, everyone has managed to tuck most of my stuff away. I woke up to a home without a lot of my junk. The place looks neater and nicer but it also highlights the new year mood even more to me.

I remember you hopping with your painful right leg last year, getting all excited with CNY. You were on the new trial drug Avastin and it gave you a terrible headache but you never let any of those affect your resolve to have fun and celebrate CNY with everyone. You were so strong, so amazing. When we rolled out our carpet for CNY, I remember vividly how you rolled your body around it... Simply having fun. The carpet is yet to be rolled out today... And I don't know what kind of effect it will have on me.

I am doing such a lousy job baby. How were you able to be so strong despite all the pain and discomfort that your body is suffering from? How on earth do you even manage to laugh and smile through all the pain and headaches? How can a 5 year old little girl be as amazing as you are?

And all that I can freaking do daily is to CRY. When I have no headache, no leg pain, no vomiting, no nausea. But I only can cry. This is starkly different from the Cyn mommy everyone thought of me as.

I am trying though. If given a choice, I would have preferred to be hiding somewhere, away from all these celebrations. But Jase loves CNY the way that you love. The way that mommy used to love. He is happy and he is enjoying himself.

Jase is my everything now. I am hanging in there for him. I am going to go through all the motions because he loves CNY and he doesn't deserve to be deprived of anything anymore.

Maybe next year, I will do a better job. Maybe next year, I will learn to enjoy CNY once more. Learn to truly make every moment in my life count. Learn to face life bravely no matter what it has thrown into my path. Just like you.

I have to remember how you never allowed any of life's unfairness affect you in any way. You never did, my amazing little princess.

I love you princess. I love you so much but you love me more. Because you left me so many gifts through your own sufferings.
I promise I will live everyday of my life honoring you. And I will never stop trying... Until I am able to face life bravely, just like you.

See you later princess!

Love you!!!

Love,
Cyn mommy

Returned to KKH for the first time since you left us...

11th January 2012 Facebook Status

Just arrived @ KK hospital. First time since I lost you, Char. The shops have
changed in the few months we are gone... and it's tougher than I had
expected! Freaking crying like mad again...

Hello everyone,

I hope each and everyone of you is doing well, feeling happy and appreciating life. Its been awhile. In fact, its been a long time since I actually updated the blog proper. The last 2 entries were all merely copied and pasted from my facebook updates...

Somehow or rather, I just cant seem to bring myself to take out my laptop, look at the screen, think through my thoughts and face them all so clearly in black and white letters. I know very clearly that I will cry at every post I write. There's no escaping it at all. I've been crying at almost entry I type even when I had Charmaine by my side. I am such a big cry baby. There's no denying it as well. Every post was written in tears but even so, the tears shed then don't compare to the tears shed now.

PAIN is a simple 5 letter word. Under wikipedia, pain is defined as
~~~Pain, an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage.
~~~Suffering, an individual's basic affective experience of unpleasantness and aversion associated with harm or threat of harm.

Almost 8 years ago, I have gone through physical pain of having labour contraction for 3 days with no pain relief. And yet, that was nothing compared to the pain and helplessness I felt that subsequent 1 year later when my ex husband suddenly demanded a divorce. And once again, I experienced another bout of contraction pain without pain relief, coupled with the emotional pain of losing my husband, my children's father and a complete sense of loss. The pain was immeasurable then.

3 years ago, my youngest child, my little princess, who hasn't even turned 3 was diagnosed with cancer, a rare and deadly form of cancer. I almost disintegrated. The pain was beyond anything I've ever experienced. I remember myself crying and crying and crying non stop... for days... and weeks... I honestly thought after all that Ive gone through, my heart, my mind and my body would be numb or hardened to such an extent that emotions couldn't have caused much of an effort. How wrong could I get.

However, I was ignorant. I thought that would have been the worst day of my life. I had no idea how wrong could I get. Once again.

The 3 years journey has continually brought on more and more pain into our lives... Unimaginable, senseless, cruel pain of watching my very own child suffer, deteriorate and simply disintegrate right before my very eyes... Gone... gone from my arms forever...

The human heart confound me completely.

How is it possible that my heart can continually feel so much pain? Even after experiencing so much sorrow and misery, my jaded heart can still surprise me with each new bout of pain it brings on. Its somewhat appalling. Not only can my heart feel the pain brought on by each new fear, or loss I experience, it could even differentiate each new sense of pain from the previous.

If there is a god, have mercy on my heart and my soul. I am very afraid. Right now, I do feel like I have reached the epitome of the Mount Everest of "PAIN". However, I am careful not to buy into that theory. WHY? "WHAT ON EARTH COULD BE MORE PAINFUL THAN LOSING YOUR OWN CHILD?" one might ask. A snigger. One can never know. Time and again, I have been thrown into the pits of suffering to experience yet another pain more painful than my pain. And time and again, my heart is ripped. My heart can distinguish each pain so clearly and correctly. My heart breaks and crushes into more and more minute pieces every single time. Its a miracle that my heart is still pumping blood.

I will not be afraid to admit that I am still crying daily. Some days, I do better; maybe once or twice. Other days, I fail miserably and the tears simply don't stop. The pain that cuts through my heart on a daily basis is so unbearable that I wish no one will ever have to experience it. The pain that I experienced for the first 30 years of my life doesnt even add up to half of what I am going through now. And thats considering I am pretty seasoned for a pain participant. :-)

The pain certainly didnt get better with time either. To say that it continues to get worse seems to be very unmotivating, coming from cyn mommy especially. But hey, please cut me some slack. I have reiterated time and again, I am not strong and truly, I am not.

This is not to say that my life now is void of laughters and happiness. I can still smile and pose sweetly for the camera. Jase and I are living quite an active and fulfiling life. How can we not right? How can we not honour our precious princess and face life bravely like she always has, up to her very last breath. The only thing that I need to work extremely hard on is my crying. Jase is doing much better than his mommy. He hasnt been crying since December and he is able to talk of Char Char positively and happily without a single tear. Yup, he is the strong one, like his little sister. I am the biggest kid in our family, the only one who needs to grow up, instead of my 2 adorable babies. :-)

As usual, I am unable to bring myself to complete this entry as I am crying a river now... Was just trying to look through pictures and put some pictures of Jase and me, saw Char's face and I am a goner... Pardon me...

I will write again...

I miss you princess. I love you princess.

Love,

Cyn mommy

Jase First Day

Jase called me immediately after school today.
"Mom, good news!"

I replied: "Great, but what's the good news?"

He went on to scream "I finally got my wish!!!"

I went on "And whats that my dear?"

He yelled: "I'm in the red group! Same as Fion!!!"

I laughed so hard. "Oh, the girlfriend."

Repeated the same story to my friend who said "At least he didn't say it's Eric!"

That certainly put things to perspective. Lol. Indeed, there are worse things than my son being 'in love with a girl'!

Yeah! Being in the same group as his girl made my son's day.

Char char, are you smiling like momma too? I love you!!!

2012 would have been the start of your Primary 1 schooling...

I was walking home today and suddenly tears rolled down my cheeks. I started crying.
The images of YOU and Kor Kor holding hands and walking in front of me flashed. My loss and the grieve overwhelmed and consumed me totally at that moment. Momma is still laying on bed, crying, yearning and pinning for you.

Yesterday would have been your first day in school for Primary 1. I can't stop thinking about you... I still can't bring myself to go near your stuff and pack them... I still haven't had the courage to look at your pictures or videos... Its finally 2012... Beginning of the years where I will never share a memory with you... I don't even have someone who can understand what I am going through... 

You have always been so looking forward to attending school with Jase, make new friends... Study well... Yesterday was that day but you weren't there... I sent your brother to school alone... He shouldnt have been alone... You never got a chance at living your simplest wish...

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Come visit momma tonight please... I need you.

Even if it means waking up to more sadness and tears...

Even if it only lasts for a fleeting moment...

Baby, why do I have to lose you?