Returned to KKH for the first time since you left us...

Saturday, January 14, 2012

11th January 2012 Facebook Status
Just arrived @ KK hospital. First time since I lost you, Char. The shops have
changed in the few months we are gone... and it's tougher than I had
expected! Freaking crying like mad again...

Hello everyone,

I hope each and everyone of you is doing well, feeling happy and appreciating life. Its been awhile. In fact, its been a long time since I actually updated the blog proper. The last 2 entries were all merely copied and pasted from my facebook updates...

Somehow or rather, I just cant seem to bring myself to take out my laptop, look at the screen, think through my thoughts and face them all so clearly in black and white letters. I know very clearly that I will cry at every post I write. There's no escaping it at all. I've been crying at almost entry I type even when I had Charmaine by my side. I am such a big cry baby. There's no denying it as well. Every post was written in tears but even so, the tears shed then don't compare to the tears shed now.

PAIN is a simple 5 letter word. Under wikipedia, pain is defined as
~~~Pain, an unpleasant sensory and emotional experience associated with actual or potential tissue damage.
~~~Suffering, an individual's basic affective experience of unpleasantness and aversion associated with harm or threat of harm.
Almost 8 years ago, I have gone through physical pain of having labour contraction for 3 days with no pain relief. And yet, that was nothing compared to the pain and helplessness I felt that subsequent 1 year later when my ex husband suddenly demanded a divorce. And once again, I experienced another bout of contraction pain without pain relief, coupled with the emotional pain of losing my husband, my children's father and a complete sense of loss. The pain was immeasurable then.
3 years ago, my youngest child, my little princess, who hasn't even turned 3 was diagnosed with cancer, a rare and deadly form of cancer. I almost disintegrated. The pain was beyond anything I've ever experienced. I remember myself crying and crying and crying non stop... for days... and weeks... I honestly thought after all that Ive gone through, my heart, my mind and my body would be numb or hardened to such an extent that emotions couldn't have caused much of an effort. How wrong could I get.
However, I was ignorant. I thought that would have been the worst day of my life. I had no idea how wrong could I get. Once again.
The 3 years journey has continually brought on more and more pain into our lives... Unimaginable, senseless, cruel pain of watching my very own child suffer, deteriorate and simply disintegrate right before my very eyes... Gone... gone from my arms forever...
The human heart confound me completely.
How is it possible that my heart can continually feel so much pain? Even after experiencing so much sorrow and misery, my jaded heart can still surprise me with each new bout of pain it brings on. Its somewhat appalling. Not only can my heart feel the pain brought on by each new fear, or loss I experience, it could even differentiate each new sense of pain from the previous.
If there is a god, have mercy on my heart and my soul. I am very afraid. Right now, I do feel like I have reached the epitome of the Mount Everest of "PAIN". However, I am careful not to buy into that theory. WHY? "WHAT ON EARTH COULD BE MORE PAINFUL THAN LOSING YOUR OWN CHILD?" one might ask. A snigger. One can never know. Time and again, I have been thrown into the pits of suffering to experience yet another pain more painful than my pain. And time and again, my heart is ripped. My heart can distinguish each pain so clearly and correctly. My heart breaks and crushes into more and more minute pieces every single time. Its a miracle that my heart is still pumping blood.

I will not be afraid to admit that I am still crying daily. Some days, I do better; maybe once or twice. Other days, I fail miserably and the tears simply don't stop. The pain that cuts through my heart on a daily basis is so unbearable that I wish no one will ever have to experience it. The pain that I experienced for the first 30 years of my life doesnt even add up to half of what I am going through now. And thats considering I am pretty seasoned for a pain participant. :-)
The pain certainly didnt get better with time either. To say that it continues to get worse seems to be very unmotivating, coming from cyn mommy especially. But hey, please cut me some slack. I have reiterated time and again, I am not strong and truly, I am not.
This is not to say that my life now is void of laughters and happiness. I can still smile and pose sweetly for the camera. Jase and I are living quite an active and fulfiling life. How can we not right? How can we not honour our precious princess and face life bravely like she always has, up to her very last breath. The only thing that I need to work extremely hard on is my crying. Jase is doing much better than his mommy. He hasnt been crying since December and he is able to talk of Char Char positively and happily without a single tear. Yup, he is the strong one, like his little sister. I am the biggest kid in our family, the only one who needs to grow up, instead of my 2 adorable babies. :-)
As usual, I am unable to bring myself to complete this entry as I am crying a river now... Was just trying to look through pictures and put some pictures of Jase and me, saw Char's face and I am a goner... Pardon me...
I will write again...
I miss you princess. I love you princess.
Cyn mommy


Mama Joan said...

Hi cyn, great to see ur entry today... Take ur time to grieve k? There is no expiry time for grieving... Glad tat u n jase r living well n s continue to do.. Do update tis blog as n when u can k? Take care

2amYH said...

It takes unimaginable courage to go back to KKH...but you did it! Thanks for posting event on Jase, it was a very good start. Keep it up! You are a brave brave mummy! :) Have a great week ahead!

Karene Low-Massang said...

Dear Cyn Mommy

It will take time for you to get over your grief....take comfort in the fact that Char is now in a better place, free of pain.

I myself lost my Dad to cancer in August 2010 on my parent's 50th wedding anniversary....I won't say that I know how you feel because I know that losing a parent is very very different from losing a child. It takes time to grief and I have to tell you that it's been almost 11/2 years since Dad passed and I am still grieving for him. It's OK to cry when you think of Char....letting out your feelings will help you with the griefing process.

Please do take care of yourself & Jase.

Karene Low-Massang

Alvin said...


I read with such admiration the courage, strength and love u have despite all the adversity you have gone thru in your life.

I certainly can empathize being a single parent of 2 young children who lost their mother to cancer abt a year ago. I absolutely agree that there cannot be any pain more painful that losing a child. Even what i've gone thru, even crippling, is nothing compared what u have experienced.

I hope to draw inspiration and strength from your strength your courage.

Thank you

jdi said...

(sorry if this seems like a re-post reply)

Cyn, as I was reading this post this part of a verse from the bible came to mind: a stumbling block into a stepping stone.
Meaning if you fail or fall down, it can be turned into something which will make you which will assist you when trouble and trails come against you. I found this on youtube. Though it's a Christian song, just listen to the words. I hope it will help when you find yourself stumbling on something in life. (<--Stumbling block into a stepping stone)

This is another song I felt tugging on my heart and mind. (<- LIFT ME UP : THE AFTERS)

This also came to mind a I was reading this, with part of a song line/stanza from an anime I've been watching recently:

Don't look back, get a chance
There is no choice but to go on step by step
Turn the pain into strength

Anonymous said...

Charmaine looked just like a mini you :)

snowblue said...

Hi Charmaine's mum i hope that u are slowly getting better though i know it really hurts losing your little one esp she is your love..I do hope that you can walkou of this darkness soon though i dont know when..I sense that you need some help in dealing with all these oveeerwhelming emotions that are troubling you,perhaps you may want to seek some professional can log in to where you can get professional counselling while being kept annoynamus..or you can call SOS help line to speak to the ppl there...I myself had get much help from these 2 online counselling as i battle with depression for these 2 yrs..I hope that you will be well again soon!!:) GOd bless!Take care!!

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