2012 would have been the start of your Primary 1 schooling...

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

I was walking home today and suddenly tears rolled down my cheeks. I started crying.
The images of YOU and Kor Kor holding hands and walking in front of me flashed. My loss and the grieve overwhelmed and consumed me totally at that moment. Momma is still laying on bed, crying, yearning and pinning for you.

Yesterday would have been your first day in school for Primary 1. I can't stop thinking about you... I still can't bring myself to go near your stuff and pack them... I still haven't had the courage to look at your pictures or videos... Its finally 2012... Beginning of the years where I will never share a memory with you... I don't even have someone who can understand what I am going through... 

You have always been so looking forward to attending school with Jase, make new friends... Study well... Yesterday was that day but you weren't there... I sent your brother to school alone... He shouldnt have been alone... You never got a chance at living your simplest wish...

I love you. I love you. I love you.

I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Come visit momma tonight please... I need you.

Even if it means waking up to more sadness and tears...

Even if it only lasts for a fleeting moment...

Baby, why do I have to lose you?

11 comments:

singaporedream said...

Take care, i know it's hard. We have to move on. She know that you have done your very best. use your experience to help other people and that will be the best you can ever do.

Mama Joan said...

Cyn, there will be many more things that you gonna do without lil' Char. Move on, its difficult and almost seem impossible. But in your early post, didn't you say you feel rich living in her eternal love? M sure lil' char would prefer to stay with you if she can choose but many things in life are just way beyond our control. A good friend of mine just lost his wife thru an accident. A tradegy also just destroyed another perfect family and their lives are also changed forever, just like yours... M sure lil' Char would like you to be live happily becos she loves you so much and she will not want to see you living in pain...

Farmer Glenda said...

*hugs*

Andy said...

Dear Cyn Mommy,

Happy new yr to you.. I fully understand the level of pain you are going thru.. As a mother of two, i fully understand.. Especially when my little baby girl was admitted to hospital due to having fever.. My baby gal was only less then 2 months old.. seeing her going thru those stupid test pain me to hell.. not to mention what you are going thru is much worst and more.. i was staying at ward 75 w my baby gal and was chatting w the nurses there. They rem you and your baby gal v clearly. To them you are a strong mommy who fights all the way for char char. Pls stay strong as Jase needs you as bad as char char does.. :) Cry as much as you can if it makes u feel better.. however pls do rem.. like u hv mentioned.. life goes on.. take one step at a time to stand up again.. :)

stacey said...

If you need some answers, hope this helps. http://www.amazon.com/When-Bough-Breaks-Forever-Daughter/dp/0836252829/ref=pd_sim_b_1

http://www.amazon.com/When-there-Are-No-Words/dp/0934793573/ref=pd_sim_b_5

God bless.

2amYH said...

Don't know what words will make you feel better. But, it is 2012, a brand new year for Jase. He must be having a lot of new experience in the school on first day. Talk to him, and find how he is doing. Dragging on the past is not going to help you nor KorKor Jase. Dear Cyn, he needs you more now...Once a while we feel emotion about it, is normal, we are afterall human, but you have to be more brave then before...keep and hide your negative emotion from him, please try. I would love to read some update about Jase first day of school, :)

Yu En and family said...

Dear Cyn,

Wanted to let you know that Charmaine is always on my mind and you too. Please take care.

Lay Choon, (CCF volunteer who had the benefit of meeting you guys over crafts at KK and sharing NY stories)

Mama Joan said...

Lil' char, m stil missing u alot... M stil crying over u... Hw r u doing nw?

Mama Joan said...

Lil' char, m stil missing u alot... M stil crying over u... Hw r u doing nw?

Mama Joan said...

Lil' char, m stil missing u alot... M stil crying over u... Hw r u doing nw?

jdi said...

Cyn, as I was reading this post this part of a verse from the bible came to mind: a stumbling block into a stepping stone.
Meaning if you fail or fall down, it can be turned into something which will make you which will assist you when trouble and trails come against you. I found this on youtube, though it's a christian song please listen to the words. I hope it will help when you find yourself stumbling on something in life.

http://youtu.be/9DHWCWqm1YI (<- stumbling block to a stepping stone )

http://youtu.be/M0CRgBFADb4 (<- Lift Me Up, By: The Afters )

P.S: This also popped into me head along with part of a line from an anime I've been watching recently. The line (or stanza) from the song was " Don't look back, get a chance
There is no choice but to go on step by step
Turn the pain into strength"

I'm praying for you and the family every time I pray, by the way. ^_=

P.S.S: Happy New Year to you and the rest of ya's as well. ;)

 
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