Last Day of the Year of Rabbit

Today is Chinese New Year Eve.
Today is the last day of the year of Rabbit in the chinese zodiac calendar.
Today is the day where families come together to have their reunion dinner, sit around the table, have steamboat and have fun.
Today, we will be visiting you at the temple to have our reunion dinner.

Today, Jase is extremely excited. He cant wait to have his "Lao Hei" and the crackers on the "Yu Sheng".
Today, our home is beautifully decorated with dragon decors, flowers and many other red stuff.
Today, we will all celebrate one of your favourite holidays.

We have managed to do everything without you.
Theoretically, it's everyone who has managed to put together a Chinese New Year mood in our home like we have always done. Since mommy was very young.

Yup, everyone except me. What was I doing the whole time? I mull in my room, sit on my bed, read up on the 4 kids that we have lost to neuroblastoma in the last 7 days. I watched a couple of movies and pretty much did nothing constructive. The closest 'productive' thing I did was to present myself at wherever whenever necessary. I sit at the dining table when it's time to eat and I happily finish the yummy food, wondering what would you be saying beside me right now.

Gu Gu kept nagging at me to pack. I ignored him totally. I hate it when he does that to me. He doesn't understand that it's not that I don't want to pack. My heart and my brain doesn't work on equal frequency. Or maybe, I indeed DON'T want to pack. I refuse to remove anything that has you in it. I don't even want them to be 'out of sight' to me. I am not capable of walking near anything that has something to do with you and not break down. I can't bring myself to consciously look through your pictures or videos but I love to have you there like they always have been. I don't even want to change the sheet that you have slept on.

Chinese New Year would probably have been a little more pleasant if I didn't have to put your stuff aside.

Jase Kor Kor is mommy's saviour. He started packing our room yesterday and he did a pretty darn good job. I feel so ashamed of myself that I need my young son to be the little adult and yet I am so proud of him.

While I was hiding in my room, stubbornly refusing to pack, everyone has managed to tuck most of my stuff away. I woke up to a home without a lot of my junk. The place looks neater and nicer but it also highlights the new year mood even more to me.

I remember you hopping with your painful right leg last year, getting all excited with CNY. You were on the new trial drug Avastin and it gave you a terrible headache but you never let any of those affect your resolve to have fun and celebrate CNY with everyone. You were so strong, so amazing. When we rolled out our carpet for CNY, I remember vividly how you rolled your body around it... Simply having fun. The carpet is yet to be rolled out today... And I don't know what kind of effect it will have on me.

I am doing such a lousy job baby. How were you able to be so strong despite all the pain and discomfort that your body is suffering from? How on earth do you even manage to laugh and smile through all the pain and headaches? How can a 5 year old little girl be as amazing as you are?

And all that I can freaking do daily is to CRY. When I have no headache, no leg pain, no vomiting, no nausea. But I only can cry. This is starkly different from the Cyn mommy everyone thought of me as.

I am trying though. If given a choice, I would have preferred to be hiding somewhere, away from all these celebrations. But Jase loves CNY the way that you love. The way that mommy used to love. He is happy and he is enjoying himself.

Jase is my everything now. I am hanging in there for him. I am going to go through all the motions because he loves CNY and he doesn't deserve to be deprived of anything anymore.

Maybe next year, I will do a better job. Maybe next year, I will learn to enjoy CNY once more. Learn to truly make every moment in my life count. Learn to face life bravely no matter what it has thrown into my path. Just like you.

I have to remember how you never allowed any of life's unfairness affect you in any way. You never did, my amazing little princess.

I love you princess. I love you so much but you love me more. Because you left me so many gifts through your own sufferings.
I promise I will live everyday of my life honoring you. And I will never stop trying... Until I am able to face life bravely, just like you.

See you later princess!

Love you!!!

Love,
Cyn mommy