A hundred days without you

Dear Char Char,

Today is 28th January of 2012. Today marks the first 100 days of our lives without you. Another milestone, one that I had very nearly forgotten until auntie Joan reminded mommy in your blog.

Sweetheart, I've survived the last 100 days without ever counting how many days has it been since that fateful day when I lost you forever. Frankly, mommy is surprised. Surprised that I wasn't counting. Or maybe, I know myself well enough to know that counting and marking every single day without you in my life will only bring so much sorrows and pain that will do nothing to mend my already broken heart and lost soul.

To be honest, I am such a coward that I don't even dare to look back to all the "last year this day" in my life. Why couldn't I just simply reflect and rejoice in the memories of how happy, how brave and how resilient you were for everyday of the last year... After all, I will only have this one chance to use the words "last year this day" for only the next 9 months of my life. And after all, you were always happy, always loving me so much, always smiling in every single day of your life...

But honey, it's so hard to be remembering you, your smiles, your voice, your love and not be aware of what I once had and now forever lost... Am I being a greedy human who doesn't know of contentment? Am I burying myself in this deep sea of self pity and wallow because I am weak? Should I have already walked out of all this misery because my loss is not exclusive only to me. Is it wrong to continue to cry and forget to treasure what I have left with me because I am not the only mother who has lost a child?

People say happiness is a choice. It is my belief as well. Why then am I unable to feel happiness the way I once felt? Does it mean that I am consciously choosing to be depressed, upset and miserable? Baby, are there any sane and rational persons that will actually consciously choose to live life being in so much pain? Mommy is trying though. I wake up everyday reminding myself you did it. You were able to choose happiness instead of sadness. I have to, I have absolutely no reason to fail you. However, almost every action takes an extra amount of effort to achieve. It takes more to smile, it takes more to laugh, it takes more to stay hopeful, it takes more to be excited. And yet, the desired outcome seems to be lesser, even with the more effort. The laughters sound odd, the smiles look a little unnatural, the hope seems a little unrealistic and the excitement doesn't have the same adrenaline effect.

Nevertheless, we smiled, laughed, hoped and continue to be excited about life. Because you have always been.

Just the other day, the TV was showing a Talent Program in China. One of the contestants was a Mongolian little boy who sang almost as beautifully as you did. But I would say you were better! He was 10 and he lost both his parents at a tender age. He sang a song to his mommy entitled "The mommy in my dreams". At that moment, it hit me like a thousand waves. You could hear the pain, the yearning and the hurt in his little voice. Apparently Mongolian men aren't allowed to shed tears and hence he didn't cry.

I realized all of a sudden that I am so grateful that I am the one who has lost you and not the other way around. It has never occured to me that you and Jase could have been the ones hurting so badly instead. All these while, if there had been a way, I was so determined, so willing and more than prepared to give up my worthless life in exchange for yours. I had prayed fervently, day and night crying out to whoever was in charge of human lives: Take mine instead, please!!! Spare my child, let her live!!!

That night, I saw how the little boy was in pain. That night, I remember my own pain. There was absolutely no doubt that both you and Jase could have been the ones suffering such indescribable pain for the rest of your lives... That night, I am oddly and truly relieved that I am the one who has lost you and that I am the one suffering instead. It is such an odd feeling.

Granted, it's not exactly a rational thought but at that moment, my loss and my pain seem to have an oddly positive ring to it. No doubt, mommy will constantly be reminded of my pain, my loss, wishing that you were here to experience all of what life has to offer with Jase and me. Nevertheless, you will be sending me little blessings such as that night, every step in my journey, bringing me moments of peace and relief, even if it's temporary and not always convincing to myself...

One day, all these moments of peace and relief will accumulate enough for my pain to be quietly tucked away in one corner of my heart where you live on forever... And maybe, I might even be able to announce to the world that I am glad you lived no matter how short-lived that was and I am able to appreciate having you for that short and precious 6 years instead of lamenting of all the years that we could have had together...

Mommy still has a lot to learn in life. Thank you my precious child for the wonderful lessons you have taught me and continues to teach me through your memories. I love you my dearest child. I miss you more every single day.

One day, I will learn to smile like you again. This I promise.

Motherhood is truly one of the most magical experiences in life. To all mothers out there, aren't you glad to be a woman called mommy?

Baby girl, I am so darn proud that I am your momma, the one shedding tears for you! One in a gazilion chances, and I am the one! Thank you!

Love,
Cyn mommy