A hundred days without you

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Dear Char Char,

Today is 28th January of 2012. Today marks the first 100 days of our lives without you. Another milestone, one that I had very nearly forgotten until auntie Joan reminded mommy in your blog.

Sweetheart, I've survived the last 100 days without ever counting how many days has it been since that fateful day when I lost you forever. Frankly, mommy is surprised. Surprised that I wasn't counting. Or maybe, I know myself well enough to know that counting and marking every single day without you in my life will only bring so much sorrows and pain that will do nothing to mend my already broken heart and lost soul.

To be honest, I am such a coward that I don't even dare to look back to all the "last year this day" in my life. Why couldn't I just simply reflect and rejoice in the memories of how happy, how brave and how resilient you were for everyday of the last year... After all, I will only have this one chance to use the words "last year this day" for only the next 9 months of my life. And after all, you were always happy, always loving me so much, always smiling in every single day of your life...

But honey, it's so hard to be remembering you, your smiles, your voice, your love and not be aware of what I once had and now forever lost... Am I being a greedy human who doesn't know of contentment? Am I burying myself in this deep sea of self pity and wallow because I am weak? Should I have already walked out of all this misery because my loss is not exclusive only to me. Is it wrong to continue to cry and forget to treasure what I have left with me because I am not the only mother who has lost a child?

People say happiness is a choice. It is my belief as well. Why then am I unable to feel happiness the way I once felt? Does it mean that I am consciously choosing to be depressed, upset and miserable? Baby, are there any sane and rational persons that will actually consciously choose to live life being in so much pain? Mommy is trying though. I wake up everyday reminding myself you did it. You were able to choose happiness instead of sadness. I have to, I have absolutely no reason to fail you. However, almost every action takes an extra amount of effort to achieve. It takes more to smile, it takes more to laugh, it takes more to stay hopeful, it takes more to be excited. And yet, the desired outcome seems to be lesser, even with the more effort. The laughters sound odd, the smiles look a little unnatural, the hope seems a little unrealistic and the excitement doesn't have the same adrenaline effect.

Nevertheless, we smiled, laughed, hoped and continue to be excited about life. Because you have always been.

Just the other day, the TV was showing a Talent Program in China. One of the contestants was a Mongolian little boy who sang almost as beautifully as you did. But I would say you were better! He was 10 and he lost both his parents at a tender age. He sang a song to his mommy entitled "The mommy in my dreams". At that moment, it hit me like a thousand waves. You could hear the pain, the yearning and the hurt in his little voice. Apparently Mongolian men aren't allowed to shed tears and hence he didn't cry.

I realized all of a sudden that I am so grateful that I am the one who has lost you and not the other way around. It has never occured to me that you and Jase could have been the ones hurting so badly instead. All these while, if there had been a way, I was so determined, so willing and more than prepared to give up my worthless life in exchange for yours. I had prayed fervently, day and night crying out to whoever was in charge of human lives: Take mine instead, please!!! Spare my child, let her live!!!

That night, I saw how the little boy was in pain. That night, I remember my own pain. There was absolutely no doubt that both you and Jase could have been the ones suffering such indescribable pain for the rest of your lives... That night, I am oddly and truly relieved that I am the one who has lost you and that I am the one suffering instead. It is such an odd feeling.

Granted, it's not exactly a rational thought but at that moment, my loss and my pain seem to have an oddly positive ring to it. No doubt, mommy will constantly be reminded of my pain, my loss, wishing that you were here to experience all of what life has to offer with Jase and me. Nevertheless, you will be sending me little blessings such as that night, every step in my journey, bringing me moments of peace and relief, even if it's temporary and not always convincing to myself...

One day, all these moments of peace and relief will accumulate enough for my pain to be quietly tucked away in one corner of my heart where you live on forever... And maybe, I might even be able to announce to the world that I am glad you lived no matter how short-lived that was and I am able to appreciate having you for that short and precious 6 years instead of lamenting of all the years that we could have had together...

Mommy still has a lot to learn in life. Thank you my precious child for the wonderful lessons you have taught me and continues to teach me through your memories. I love you my dearest child. I miss you more every single day.

One day, I will learn to smile like you again. This I promise.

Motherhood is truly one of the most magical experiences in life. To all mothers out there, aren't you glad to be a woman called mommy?

Baby girl, I am so darn proud that I am your momma, the one shedding tears for you! One in a gazilion chances, and I am the one! Thank you!

Cyn mommy


Vivienne said...

Dear Cynthia,

Your post always leave me in tears, tears with tinge of sadness, tears of appreciation.

Quote: "Motherhood is truly one of the most magical experiences in life. To all mothers out there, aren't you glad to be a woman called mommy"

Charmaine was a gift to you, though short in physical terms but she will forever live in you and to those who know her.

Cynthia, hope you can slowly find back some forms of happiness and joy in life.

I am going to donate blood in honor of Charmaine and also for one of my colleague's husband who had acute leukemia recently.

If you willing to make new friends, we can meet? My elder boy is the same age as Jase and my younger boy is turning 4 this year.

Take care, and 加油!

PS: pls do not publish my comments,thanks

Mama Joan said...

Yes, i agreed with you totally! It is indeed the greatest gift bestowed to all women for having the privilege to be a mother!

Pau said...

Dear Cyn,

I am just a passerby who have been touched by your story, and your unconditional and undying love for your baby girl.

I don't have anything to contribute, but just want to let you know that I am deeply in awe of your strength and everything you have done as a single mother for your children. You are the epitome of bravery, and of the strength of every mother out there.

Stay strong. It's okay to cry because you miss her, but also, smile because you had such a wonderful and beautiful little girl, who was every bit as brave and beautiful as you are.

Thank you for your wonderful writing that has touched my heart.

Serenely said...

Hi Cynthia. You don't know me. I just came across your blog and it really struck a strong chord with me. I cried profusely over your posts written in the last few days leading up to Charmaine's departure.

I just felt compelled to drop you a line simply just to let you know that your story resonates with me.

I can relate to a small degree due to losing a baby in miscarriage... but I can imagine how much more crushing it is to lose a child after your bond has already been solidifed for 6 years on earth.

Even though the moment of goodbye is past, I understand the deep need to hold on to the memories even they are painful. Various people who were trying to comfort me in my grief kept repeating cliches encouraging me to move on and not dwell in the past. I would like to share this quote which I found so true about the grieving process:

"Most people do not wish to remember suffering. My concern is not to forget it. It is not merciful to forget; to obliterate the live sore of remembrance with creeping, bloodless scar tissue. For me always the unabated rawness, the fresh profitable spur of pain. But alas, in vain I wish, for I too shall suffer healing" -Han Suyin

And another one to help you look upwards and forward to eternity:

I Shall Know Why
(Emily Dickinson)

I shall know why, when time is over,
And I have ceased to wonder why;
Christ will explain each separate anguish
In the fair schoolroom of the sky.

He will tell me what Peter promised,
And I, for wonder at his woe,
I shall forget the drop of anguish
That scalds me now, that scalds me now.

My thoughts are with you, Cynthia. And I join you in the refrain "Yet Will I Praise Thee" even in this time of painful healing.

Angie Li Yuet Jia said...

Hi there. I've read your story again and again and again and my heart goes out 2u and Jase :( Nobody can ever comprehend the pain u've gone through. I pray that you heal in time and this blog will be a page of remembrance for the life your little kid has lived for 6 years. She is absolutely gorgeous and adorable. She's in a better place. Somewhere in the land where there's no pain. No more injections. No more chemo. No more doctors. RIP Char xx All my love. Angie xx

Irene said...

Dear cyn mommy,

We don't know, never will understand why life is so kind to some, so cruel to some. I am sorry to read about little Charmaine, now in heaven. If any consolation to you, rest assured she has a new body, without illness, and she is happy. She will always be with you, in a special way. Take your time to heal, take your time to mourn. I love to cry, and I think it is healthy to cry. I'm really sorry again... Take care.

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