I don't know how to begin this entry...
I have not been able to talk much... To anyone or anything...
I don't want to talk about cancer... I don't know her prognosis... We never discuss about that with our doctor...
Char is enjoying her days at home since our discharge last Wednesday night. She is always hungry and we are always figuring out what to eat next.
I'm writing this down so that I won't forget it...
On the night where Char was having temperature spikes of over 41 degrees, in between her dizziness and trembles, she suddenly spouted these words:
"Mama, I think Valtor pulled a curse on me. That's why I can't see properly."
Valtor is the Bad Guy in Winx Club Season 4 and Winx Club has been her latest indulgence. Char actually said those words while crying and was in so much discomfort. Of course when I first heard those words, I was in shocked for a few mintues and when I regained my thoughts, I was back to worrying about her so ridiculously high fever and wondering if she was having some hallucination side effects.
However, the next day, we both had a good laugh about her sudden outburst of witchcraft assumptions! It was her first time ever, and looking back now, I thought that was really cute!
So, back to my reality. Like I said, my best friend lately is called Denial. When my best friend is hanging around me, I totally disregard the real battle I am fighting and I can even sing along to the CNY tunes. And I am even able to feel excited about my favourite festive celebration. In the year of 2010, we spent practically every major festival in the hospital. From Chinese New Year to Christmas to New Year's countdown. Hence, I am more desperate in wanting to make it possible for us to at least spend CNY at home for a couple of days this year but our chances look bleak once again... Maybe that's why I am trying to be not too excited abt CNY because I will be doubly disappointed if we have to spend it inpatient again.
When my best friend decides to ignore me, I an often left in a daze, crying and some days, even hating myself. My brain wouldn't stop those bad thoughts from haunting me daily and just some days, I really wish to be able to rip my brain out of my head just so that I can stop thinking once and for all.
Yesterday, I spent an hour talking to a pal who advised me to be at peace. Many a times, I just want to scream and yell back, "What do you know about?!?! My refusal to be at peace is what that has kept me going until today and telling me to be at peace is like telling me to let go and give up. I can't see it any other way. I know everyone of you mean well and truly care. I'm the one who's being ungrateful and spoilt. Did I also mention that I have enough of people asking me "how are you?". Isn't that something obvious enough? How am I? How do you expect me to reply? I have absolutely no wish to vent my frustrations and my anger at my friends but I see myself having lesser and lesser control over my emotions... I'm so afraid that one day, I may just unleash all my fears and anger on a friend who doesn't deserve any of these.. So please forgive me when that day comes... I am trying all my means to hold up and I feel like I may explode soon.
But in the meantime, I wish to deal with all these on my own. Hear me out when I cry aloud but otherwise, please allow me to live in my own little world...
Presently, I'm trying to wreak my brain to figure out if there's anything I can do to even slow this beast down a little... In between that, I'm trying to see how I can fulfil every little wish that Charmaine might have... But it's not easy with her low immunity and the aggressiveness of the disgusting beast.
Needing a miracle now more than ever...
Love,
cyn mommy
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3 comments:
My dearest friend, please don't keep it all inside you.. you need to release all your frustrations, it's no good keeping it all inside you. When i come back, you can vent it all on me... *hugz* Please stay strong...
Your friend got a point, because in peace, that's when inspiration comes. It does not mean you give up whatever you are facing now; it simply means you are more than your suffering. To continue to suffer based on fear will not help anything to change, it has no value. You may think hanging on worries help a situation, it does not. Blessings.
Hi cyn, if it is of any comfort to you, I feel exactly the same way you feel. Sometimes I feel the whole world owe it to me.... When someone happen to be in my path, sometimes I just feel like asking the person to buzz off and if challenged, I felt like saying " back off! What do you know about my life! My husband is dying! F&$@#%^ off!" yes, sometimes I wish I can do that and I should be able to get away with such behavior cos I already suffered so much and people owe it to me to let me be the bad me....such thots cross my mind a thousand times during those period. But I also quickly realize these strangers own me nothing and who knows- they may be handling something worse in their lives.
Denial is sometimes a good thing I feel. Just have a little of normacy during these 'denial time' and let happy times take over.
As for question like 'how are you' i totally understand. Well to say ok when everything is not.... Or say not ok and then what??? To such question, just shrug your shoulder and walk off. Even today, after two years, I simply hate to answer this question.
Meanwhile, take care and may God bless you, Charmaine and Jase.
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