We are doing OK. :-)

Monday, September 7, 2009

Hi there everyone,

Its been awhile, I hope everyone is doing well and being happy!

Firstly, I like to update everyone of Charmaine's progress to date. Char has finally completed all her 14 sessions of radiotherapy safely, last day being Wednesday. Thank you all for the blessings and prayers because I am certain they contributed to make it a smooth sailing one for my feisty princess. She experienced some mild diarrhea and nausea over the last weekend and that was all. I couldnt be more glad because I had imagined it to be as bad as chemo. Thankfully, I am just overly paraniod. The only reminder for little Char and us are the 5 permanent tattoos, which is really a price I am willing to pay for keeping Char alive and happy, experiencing life with me.

Over the course of the 7 days, she had gotten into the routine herself, knowing that we have to go into MSKCC for her 'white medicine' - which is really the anesthesia drug... For some peculiar reason, she would let out a few cries whenever they inject the 'white medicine' into her port-a-cath. When I asked her why, she replied that the medicine tasted sour and she dont like it. I dont quite understand how is it she can taste the medication which is injected into her port... but I figure its probably her way of describing that she doesnt like it... Even the toughest challenge of not allowing her to eat was miraculously manageable. The medical staff made it easier for us too, scheduling her first sessions at 7.30am in the morning and afternoon sessions at 1pm daily. When I wheeled the kids in the morning at 6:45am , they were still asleep... after we were done with the morning session, they would go back and fall asleep again.... Before I know it, its time to go in for afternoon session. Thank you to the understanding staff! On wednesday, I told her its officially our last session and last day, she was just so excited! Kept hurrying me to bring her into the hospital after we returned from that day's morning session. The nurse who carried her out of the RT room said when she woke up from the anethesia, she waved goodbye to everyone in the room. That was another pleasant surprise to me! Usually, she would be terrified not seeing me. Its just one of the signs to tell me that I have aged and the kiddos have grown... (I am not complaining though!)

Time flies! Its been a month since we arrived in New York! Amidst all the initial fears of not knowing anyone, difficulty in getting meals, commuting around, and just being alone... I survived. Or rather, we survived! Auntie Jasmine and Vivienne came just when I needed them most. I cannot imagine what a nervous wreck I would be if not for them. When Char developed a fever and we had to rush her to Urgent Care, they didnt panick and that was the biggest reason why I didnt break down. Because while I was packing the bag, getting ready to leave for the hospital and waiting for the aunties to come back, I was tearing and very stressed up. Hence, my heartiest thank you to both of you angels! In fact, you ladies even brought back that old cyn. It really felt like those days... where I am just me, a nobody living a mundane average life with my little family. Well, not that I am somebody now... but it just doesnt feel the same anymore when I owe my entire life to the world now. Something which I can never repay...

Secondly, Charamine went in on Thursday for her HAMA blood test and her results wont be out until next week. I will bear in mind to update everyone once the results are out. If the test results turn out normal which means she has not developed HAMA (Human Anti-Mouse Antibody), than Char will start her 10 days of GM-CSF injections on Wednesday to prepare for cycle #2 of 3f8 which will commence on the week of 14th Sept.

In the meantime, from now until than, I am just treasuring these few days of 'normalcy'. No hospital visits, no injections, no food restrictions and just us being us. I get to be a normal mummy, nagging at them to finish up their food, whining at them to pack up after playing their toys, washing and cleaning, and washing and cleaning again daily. And please pardon my lack in updating, I was yearning to have a little time to just have some peace and quiet moments... away from everything, including the net. But please do not worry for me. I am fine. I needed this to re-charge myself before the next round begins.

Actually, I do have alot in my mind. Things I want to share. Or rather, things that I just want to talk to a friend about since I am just talking to the kiddos daily. (No complaints either! Its a blessing to be talking to our own babies and answering to their never-ending lists of "WHYs". But I guess what I wanted to say was I miss talking to a friend, an adult in our 'seemingly full of troubles and challenges world'. And this blog is an avenue where I can write and feel like I have actually chatted with a long lost friend for hours and hours.

It seems like a long time since I could proudly declare that I wake up with a smile on my face, just happy to be alive. Day by day, Jase and Char, with their little gestures and small talk, is bringing their mommy back alive. One fine day, we were seated down on the floor, having our meal. My little man, Jase burst out in joy and excitement, shouting, :"YAY! We are yi jia ren (one family)!" There I was, thinking to myself, what a failure I am as a mom, getting my kids to sit on the floor to have meals and there he is doing everything in total opposite of what I am feeling. :-) I lost that battle to him gladly. Thank you my dear boy. For reasons unknown to me, you seem to have a magic power to be able to comfort your mommy me in the most loving way. :-) When I first showered Char, she noticed that I was totally wet and was squinting my eyes, she asked why. I said its because the shower head couldnt be adjusted and hence water would splash onto me whenever I shower her and I had to squint my eyes so I can see clearly. This feisty little one took it onto her responsibility to protect this useless mommy of hers. She stepped forth and positioned herself in such a way that the water wouldnt rain onto me too much and declared. "I protect you so that the water wont hit your eyes and clothes!" Looking at her face, at her smile and her satisfied look, I just couldnt help smiling and tearing. And today, I think I can finally attempt to say that I am picking up the pieces and I am slowly starting to wake up with that smile. [Aunty J said that we shouldnt confess bad things so than our lives will start getting better. :-) I am still not back to the state where I can proudly declare that I see the good to this experience because I dont dare. However, I must say that the experience so far has brought me as much love as the hurt.]

Love in the form of priceless friendship, love in the form of kind hearted souls, love in the form of angels everywhere. I had always mistakenly thought that all the donations came from mostly singaporeans. However I was recently told that there were donations even pouring in from USA and other parts of the world. Very touched by the human spirits. Thank you to the world reading this, helping me and walking this journey with me!

I have always been an emotional piece of work, wanting to live life to the fullest, experiencing all that life has to give. Guess what, I got what I wanted. I dont know to laugh or to be cynical here. But in some of the most unimaginable ways, some of the little things or dreams that I had wished for as a kid or as a teenager or as a wife seemed to have become a reality. Certainly not in the exact manner that I had dreamed off but still... the same outcome. It is only now that I realise the meaning of "You get as much as you dare wish for".

Just a few experience to share... I will keep it short. My first trip overseas was to USA when I was a teen. And amongst all the different destinations around states, I had declared to my ex husband that New York was my favourite destination. Look where I am now. Strange feeling. Heaven has created this opportunity for me to bring me back to my favourite destination which I probably would not have had the chance to return. And to top it off, I am back with my kids.

When I was married, knowing that my ex husband would be outstation from time to time, I dreamed of a lifestyle of living abroad with my ex husband and kids and just experiencing a different environment. Than came my divorce. Sometimes, during one of those lazy quiet moments, I would think back and feel a tinge of disappointment. (Not that its really important, just one of those moments of "what if"). In my sore loser attitude, I would sometimes tell myself that I can find myself a job and get outstation and than I would be able to provide that opportunity to my kids myself. Than came my first business trip abroad to China. I was so useless and afraid that I ended up cooping myself in the hotel the entire time because I had no sense of direction and I was just simply gutless. It was than I decided that I was just being ridiculous and I couldnt' even take care of myself, let alone my kids. So it was the end of that dream for me. BUT HEY! I am here with my kids, certainly for all the wrong reasons. Nonetheless, the outcome is the same. Of course, if given a choice, I rather us just being in Singapore and Char being healthy... And because I have already self sentenced myself that I would not be able to live abroad with my kids alone, heaven has decided to give me strength in different ways, or rather just take away the option of saying "no".

So here I am. Despite the wrong reasons, despite me not feeling the joy and happiness of this wrong 'vacation', what I wanted to share with the people that matters is that dreams do come true. Maybe not the way we had wished for or dreamed of... but it still happens. So please take heart. Especially to the friends out there still facing their own hardships and challenges and battling their own destiny... (I think you know who you are!) Jia you too!

PS: I am so very sorry that I digressed and sprouted too much nonsense. I just needed to say out aloud some of the many things going through my head. Once again, I seek your forgiveness and understanding. THANK YOU all.

Alright, I need to ciao soon. The kids are waiting for me to sing them their lullaby.
Have a good start to the week and stay happy and healthy as always!


Cyn mummy


yaya said...

Cyn mummy, it's really happy to hear from you again!

I'm also very touched by the little gestures both Jase & Charmaine revealed..they are really sweet kids.

We have won the battle so far, will continue to pray hard for you,little Charmaine & Jase korkor :)

珍惜现在就是幸福, 愿你永远幸福, 快乐!


Chris said...

Hi Cyn,

I m glad that to know that you are smiling again. Charmaine is strong, she will make it thr this treatment, she will win this battle. We will all be praying for you, Charmaine and Jase

Take a good rest

totoro said...

Hi Mommy Cynthia,

Thank you so much for the update. Please continue to write to us when you want to chat. As usual, your post made me cry ... :-)
I am really so proud of you. Everyday I read on papers where people give up hope and kill them and their kids. One case recently because of home mortage problem. I want to tell everyone your story, how a single mommy overcome all odds to keep her children healthy and happy.
I don't have any religion fate but i believe that good things will eventually happen to good people.
Please continue to do what you are doing now. Your lovely kids already proved to you that they have benefited from this experience and they are stronger spiritually than any kids their age.

Joanne said...

Praise God!!! This is a miracle! Im really happy to see Charmaine so happy!! Will continue to pray for you though...

Iverson D.Yuan aka Ooi Yuan said...

Congratulation..everything went smoothly..

I learned a lot from the little princess Charmaine..


Mama Joan said...

Cyn, you have given them the greatest gift of all; ie mother love!

Ms. Potatoe said...

How sweet is that!

Sorry not being able to share those moments with you... But yes, God is on your side and always helping you!

Looking forward to your return!


susanteh said...

Cynthia, thank you for sharing your thoughts. And no need to apologise at all for the long post .. hey, this is your blog!

We're visitors, strangers. Fellow human beings who simply hope to see the best outcome for Charmaine, Jase and yourself.

God bless. My prayers continue to be with you.

2am said...

God blessed that you have two lovely kids who are so understanding and sensitive toward your feeling. It was good reading your story and experience, it was not long winded at all, but I think you probably would have spend half an hour updating us the news. Thanks for the wonderful sharing. Take care and keep smiling!

moo said...

Cyn mummy: think she is not imagining it. that's propofol that they gave her and it's not to give a sense of bitter taste.

love_is_all_around said...

Cyn mummy, very happy to hear from you! All are well is the most important! :)

Joyce said...

Good to hear update from Cynthia.
Good to know that Little one is doing great...

JulietJas said...

Dearest Cyn, Char & Jase,

I'm so proud of you Cyn! I believe everyday you are just growing and flourishing. I will continue to uplift you to God and trust Him that His wisdom and grace with be upon you. You are an amazing and beautiful Ubermum!

Char a.k.a Lil' Moley Moley: You are doing a great job girl! Big HUGS to you

Jase kor kor: Miss your cheekiness! HUGS hugs

Love in HIM...Aunty J

deedee said...

Cyn, sometimes you just need to shout out loud and clear your system... so just do it!

加油 Charmaine!!! you can do it!!!

Marvelliciously said...

jiayou, Cyn mummy! (:


Eve said...

Hi Cyn

I am just so touched that in the midst of the dark clouds, you are able to find a silver lining!

You gave people hope and encourages people.

I am just so amazed.

Really hope to draw strength from you!

Meanwhile, enjoy your normalcy with Char and Jase. Do take time to smell the flowers, enjoy the scenery.

God bless

Anonymous said...

hi cyn,
so nice to hear from you!
glad that things are looking up and, you do have the most darling kids :)
keep pressing on :)

<3 sy

Priscilla said...

Cyn, I am just overwhelmed by your strength and courage. And your little ones - what wisdom, maturity and compassion they are displaying! You will all get through this and the experience will bless you so richly in so many ways. God's hand is upon you and the children.

As for the others, let God deal with them. We reap what we sow. God will not let you all suffer in vain.

Tell Char that I am so proud of her. Not even big people can do the many things that she is doing. And tell Jase that he is the most wonderful kor kor any little girl can hope to have.

Big hug for all of you.

phoenixbabe said...

Hello cyn!
You , Char and Jase have been such a blessing to myself. Whenever I am feeling down, i will always remember what you and the little ones are going through and that life is hopeful despite all the present circumstances.

I am sooooo glad to know that the 3of you have been doing more the 'well' :) Great great work there pretty mum :)

Lastly, I have to say this: I MISS ALL OF YOU.

The 9 days with you 3 were my ' BEST' and MOST memorable trip.

Hugs to u, Char and Jase...XOXO

cyn said...

Hi Cynthia

It's really heartening to read what you have posted on the blog. It's been a while since you last wrote and I must admit that you have emerge a stronger person. Not that I can see or hear, but it's a feeling. I told you that there's a connection between us somewhere, just that I cannot explain it other than the fact that we share the same first name and attended the same college.

I'm really happy that prayers have been answered and that Charmaine's been making very positive progress. I always believe that positive begets positive, so you'll have to think positively. I know it can be really difficult at times, but it's positivism that gets us through the most difficult of situations. Just try to think of your kids growing old and they intend to stay overseas and here you are with them in a foreign land. Just some food for thought...sweet thoughts...and you growing old with them. Let's not worry about whether or not it'll come true cos' that's not so important right now. What's important is that you know a glimmer of hope. Don't expect too much but something to thnk about and fall asleep having happy thoughts. *Hugzz*

sue.lynn said...

Dear Mommy Cyn, you have so many ears listening to you here... we will be here to listen to you rant. Take each day a step at a time and remember to smile, and let good thoughts fill your heart and mind always. :)
If I could, I would (eventhough a stranger) go to help you or just be a support. It seems like we all know you, even though you don't know us. :)
Take care! Remembering you and family in prayer.

Gary said...

To the little angel Charmine,
To you, Uncle is a total stranger but i felt strongly and has been following your developments. Promise me, continue your good work in fighting the battle and i look forward to hv the chance to meet u in Singapore soon. Amitahba.

Feisty Princess Charmaine. Design by Pocket