We are doing OK. :-)

Hi there everyone,

Its been awhile, I hope everyone is doing well and being happy!

Firstly, I like to update everyone of Charmaine's progress to date. Char has finally completed all her 14 sessions of radiotherapy safely, last day being Wednesday. Thank you all for the blessings and prayers because I am certain they contributed to make it a smooth sailing one for my feisty princess. She experienced some mild diarrhea and nausea over the last weekend and that was all. I couldnt be more glad because I had imagined it to be as bad as chemo. Thankfully, I am just overly paraniod. The only reminder for little Char and us are the 5 permanent tattoos, which is really a price I am willing to pay for keeping Char alive and happy, experiencing life with me.

Over the course of the 7 days, she had gotten into the routine herself, knowing that we have to go into MSKCC for her 'white medicine' - which is really the anesthesia drug... For some peculiar reason, she would let out a few cries whenever they inject the 'white medicine' into her port-a-cath. When I asked her why, she replied that the medicine tasted sour and she dont like it. I dont quite understand how is it she can taste the medication which is injected into her port... but I figure its probably her way of describing that she doesnt like it... Even the toughest challenge of not allowing her to eat was miraculously manageable. The medical staff made it easier for us too, scheduling her first sessions at 7.30am in the morning and afternoon sessions at 1pm daily. When I wheeled the kids in the morning at 6:45am , they were still asleep... after we were done with the morning session, they would go back and fall asleep again.... Before I know it, its time to go in for afternoon session. Thank you to the understanding staff! On wednesday, I told her its officially our last session and last day, she was just so excited! Kept hurrying me to bring her into the hospital after we returned from that day's morning session. The nurse who carried her out of the RT room said when she woke up from the anethesia, she waved goodbye to everyone in the room. That was another pleasant surprise to me! Usually, she would be terrified not seeing me. Its just one of the signs to tell me that I have aged and the kiddos have grown... (I am not complaining though!)

Time flies! Its been a month since we arrived in New York! Amidst all the initial fears of not knowing anyone, difficulty in getting meals, commuting around, and just being alone... I survived. Or rather, we survived! Auntie Jasmine and Vivienne came just when I needed them most. I cannot imagine what a nervous wreck I would be if not for them. When Char developed a fever and we had to rush her to Urgent Care, they didnt panick and that was the biggest reason why I didnt break down. Because while I was packing the bag, getting ready to leave for the hospital and waiting for the aunties to come back, I was tearing and very stressed up. Hence, my heartiest thank you to both of you angels! In fact, you ladies even brought back that old cyn. It really felt like those days... where I am just me, a nobody living a mundane average life with my little family. Well, not that I am somebody now... but it just doesnt feel the same anymore when I owe my entire life to the world now. Something which I can never repay...


Secondly, Charamine went in on Thursday for her HAMA blood test and her results wont be out until next week. I will bear in mind to update everyone once the results are out. If the test results turn out normal which means she has not developed HAMA (Human Anti-Mouse Antibody), than Char will start her 10 days of GM-CSF injections on Wednesday to prepare for cycle #2 of 3f8 which will commence on the week of 14th Sept.

In the meantime, from now until than, I am just treasuring these few days of 'normalcy'. No hospital visits, no injections, no food restrictions and just us being us. I get to be a normal mummy, nagging at them to finish up their food, whining at them to pack up after playing their toys, washing and cleaning, and washing and cleaning again daily. And please pardon my lack in updating, I was yearning to have a little time to just have some peace and quiet moments... away from everything, including the net. But please do not worry for me. I am fine. I needed this to re-charge myself before the next round begins.

Actually, I do have alot in my mind. Things I want to share. Or rather, things that I just want to talk to a friend about since I am just talking to the kiddos daily. (No complaints either! Its a blessing to be talking to our own babies and answering to their never-ending lists of "WHYs". But I guess what I wanted to say was I miss talking to a friend, an adult in our 'seemingly full of troubles and challenges world'. And this blog is an avenue where I can write and feel like I have actually chatted with a long lost friend for hours and hours.

It seems like a long time since I could proudly declare that I wake up with a smile on my face, just happy to be alive. Day by day, Jase and Char, with their little gestures and small talk, is bringing their mommy back alive. One fine day, we were seated down on the floor, having our meal. My little man, Jase burst out in joy and excitement, shouting, :"YAY! We are yi jia ren (one family)!" There I was, thinking to myself, what a failure I am as a mom, getting my kids to sit on the floor to have meals and there he is doing everything in total opposite of what I am feeling. :-) I lost that battle to him gladly. Thank you my dear boy. For reasons unknown to me, you seem to have a magic power to be able to comfort your mommy me in the most loving way. :-) When I first showered Char, she noticed that I was totally wet and was squinting my eyes, she asked why. I said its because the shower head couldnt be adjusted and hence water would splash onto me whenever I shower her and I had to squint my eyes so I can see clearly. This feisty little one took it onto her responsibility to protect this useless mommy of hers. She stepped forth and positioned herself in such a way that the water wouldnt rain onto me too much and declared. "I protect you so that the water wont hit your eyes and clothes!" Looking at her face, at her smile and her satisfied look, I just couldnt help smiling and tearing. And today, I think I can finally attempt to say that I am picking up the pieces and I am slowly starting to wake up with that smile. [Aunty J said that we shouldnt confess bad things so than our lives will start getting better. :-) I am still not back to the state where I can proudly declare that I see the good to this experience because I dont dare. However, I must say that the experience so far has brought me as much love as the hurt.]

Love in the form of priceless friendship, love in the form of kind hearted souls, love in the form of angels everywhere. I had always mistakenly thought that all the donations came from mostly singaporeans. However I was recently told that there were donations even pouring in from USA and other parts of the world. Very touched by the human spirits. Thank you to the world reading this, helping me and walking this journey with me!

I have always been an emotional piece of work, wanting to live life to the fullest, experiencing all that life has to give. Guess what, I got what I wanted. I dont know to laugh or to be cynical here. But in some of the most unimaginable ways, some of the little things or dreams that I had wished for as a kid or as a teenager or as a wife seemed to have become a reality. Certainly not in the exact manner that I had dreamed off but still... the same outcome. It is only now that I realise the meaning of "You get as much as you dare wish for".

Just a few experience to share... I will keep it short. My first trip overseas was to USA when I was a teen. And amongst all the different destinations around states, I had declared to my ex husband that New York was my favourite destination. Look where I am now. Strange feeling. Heaven has created this opportunity for me to bring me back to my favourite destination which I probably would not have had the chance to return. And to top it off, I am back with my kids.

When I was married, knowing that my ex husband would be outstation from time to time, I dreamed of a lifestyle of living abroad with my ex husband and kids and just experiencing a different environment. Than came my divorce. Sometimes, during one of those lazy quiet moments, I would think back and feel a tinge of disappointment. (Not that its really important, just one of those moments of "what if"). In my sore loser attitude, I would sometimes tell myself that I can find myself a job and get outstation and than I would be able to provide that opportunity to my kids myself. Than came my first business trip abroad to China. I was so useless and afraid that I ended up cooping myself in the hotel the entire time because I had no sense of direction and I was just simply gutless. It was than I decided that I was just being ridiculous and I couldnt' even take care of myself, let alone my kids. So it was the end of that dream for me. BUT HEY! I am here with my kids, certainly for all the wrong reasons. Nonetheless, the outcome is the same. Of course, if given a choice, I rather us just being in Singapore and Char being healthy... And because I have already self sentenced myself that I would not be able to live abroad with my kids alone, heaven has decided to give me strength in different ways, or rather just take away the option of saying "no".

So here I am. Despite the wrong reasons, despite me not feeling the joy and happiness of this wrong 'vacation', what I wanted to share with the people that matters is that dreams do come true. Maybe not the way we had wished for or dreamed of... but it still happens. So please take heart. Especially to the friends out there still facing their own hardships and challenges and battling their own destiny... (I think you know who you are!) Jia you too!

PS: I am so very sorry that I digressed and sprouted too much nonsense. I just needed to say out aloud some of the many things going through my head. Once again, I seek your forgiveness and understanding. THANK YOU all.

Alright, I need to ciao soon. The kids are waiting for me to sing them their lullaby.
Have a good start to the week and stay happy and healthy as always!

Goodnight.

Love,
Cyn mummy