Insanity lives within me

Saturday, December 18, 2010

We found a lump on her left thigh yesterday.

I'm heart broken and I'm scared mad. I don't know what else to say.

I cannot stop crying. One moment I'm ok. One moment I'm just incredibly weak, I honestly feel that my body can just give way and crumble any minute, any second. I'm just barely functioning but I am already using every ounce of energy I can find to breathe and stay awake, stay sane... Stay alive...

When I first heard and felt the lump myself yesterday. I was emotionless.

But today, the reality has hit me real hard. I wake up and I find myself tearing non stop. I was crying when I was brushing my teeth. I was crying when I went to buy bread, I'm still crying when I'm eating.

Char kept asking if I'm ok. Why do I look like I'm crying. I said I'm sick, I have a running nose, I have a headache... I don't know what else to say...

I'm not ok and I don't know how to be okay. If you bump into me or see me, pls don't ask if I'm ok because obviously I'm not. Don't ask me how or why or what because I'm done explaining and I don't want to relive my fears time and again, by narrating our situation non stop.

We are admitting on Monday to start the ICE chemo. Our Chinese New Year this year was spent at Ward 76, so will our Christmas. If you feel like doing something for Char, feel free to drop by with a Xmas gift for her. I keep telling myself it's ok to miss a Xmas as long as we get many more to come.

I try to distract myself with what I can do to make everything better for her. I know she misses Santa and thought that Santa only visits in NYC where kids are spoilt with gifts every other day in December... Know of any Santas in Singapore? Pls let me know. I would very much like to ask if I can find a Santa to bring gifts to kids spending their Xmas inpatient.

It's time to get into battle mode again. Not like the war has ever stopped for us. But I won't give up. I simply won't. Because she has so much life and is still my cheeky baby dreaming of school and having long hair.

ICE is very tough, hopefully it will be tough enough to wipe this damn thing once and for all.

I admire the families who could laugh and enjoy in spite of it all... and I'm striving very hard to be one of them. First, I have to learn to stop my tears, and than I have to find my smile back... And than I have to search for the positive in all this insanity...

But I seek your help to not remind me of my pain... So please pardon me if I don't talk abt our situation... Anything but cancer...

At this juncture, I am still finding it so tough to keep the faith, to pray. I need your help and your faith to keep us alive. Please say many many extra prayers for my dear char. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Love,
cyn mommy

9 comments:

stacey said...

I know it is not going to be easy for you to replace your negative thoughts because you have been hanging on them for some time. We often think fear and worry will keep us safe in a way that they help us to stay alert of the hidden danger that is still lurking around 24/7, and we drain our life force energy. Every aspect of our being is affected. We become insecure. We can’t function in a normal way when we keep feeding our mind thoughts that don’t serve any good purpose. When you change something, everything changes. Few around you may still want to point out the “reality” to you, but you must teach yourself to put your thoughts beyond so you can breathe and live again.

Ginsengmum said...

Hugs....

Aaron said...

Hi,

Kindly contact me at ivy@fengmingconstrn.com. We will like to arrange a Santa over for ur little ger on Christmas. Hence, will require to get some information from u.

Hope to hear from u soon!

Thanks
Ivy

Dreamz Creator said...

hey mummy hang in there times are always tough when little one suffer however there alot of pple out there remembering u in their prayers ^^ be strong *god bless*

dawn said...

hi i just wanted to ask does charmaine like painting artsy stuff of that sort? or did she say she would like anything in particular? I would like to give her something...

dawn said...

BTW there is santa claus in KKH i think ...they give out sweets and stuff..

Ng said...

Dear Miss Cynthia, please continue fighting. You have two wonderful children, and I admire your strength. Sometimes we are not strong in nature, but we have to be, and somehow find courage we never knew we had, because of what we have to fight. (I too am not brave at all; I fight a different kind of monster.) At times where we are reaching pit bottom, and feel that we simply cannot fight anymore, take one day at a time, or if that's not possible, then take one hour at a time. Sometimes I try not to consider it as a fight, but a walk where we learn to treasure small moments of joy, and find how big the hearts of the people are who have helped us. Charmaine is a beautiful girl who is a feisty and brave fighter, and Jase is such a caring, mature, gentlemanly and a sacrificing brother to his beloved sister.

Hmm, in this post, you mentioned about X'mas presents, is it really okay to let them receive X'mas gifts? I am an 18- year-old girl, but if you do mind strangers, then it's okay. (:

Really wish I can help in any way, keep on walking and fighting Mommy, Charmaine and Jase! (: Best wishes!

Jolene said...

Thanks for all your notes.

Yes, it is alright for them to have Xmas presents, and think of them as typical children (if u are thinking of toys), and think of them as your kids (if u are thinking of educational items). Pamper them on food (chicken wings, etc), if u are thinking of party. Balloons are welcome too!

Charlene

Mic said...

Hi,

would like to send a gift to Charmaine... Possible to provide mailing address? My email is michelle_luv_u@yahoo.com Thanks!

 
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