Day 1 of ICE chemo - loads of laughters, eating and of course, pressies from bed 12, Char's style! Despite us having left for months and only recently returned, Char fits right in this time around, with a loving and supportive Jase who insists on coming to the ward every single day from morning till night. I am proud and comforted to say: "Thank you Santa, I truly feel the Christmas spirit here, in spite of it all."
The celebration of love - I feel and see it in the 2 kids gifted to me. I feel the support of you, many of you, I do. Both right here in Singapore, and 16500km away in another continent. Old friends, new friends, 'comrades at war', friends yet to be made, we are so loved. Thank you.
Magic - Isnt it magical that love always creeps in when you need it most?
I lost count of days, months and years. My calendar is marked with scans, blood tests, chemotherapy and more scans, more blood tests and more chemotherapy. Until yesterday, someone said to me, "2011 will be yet the most challenging year in your life, in a way you can never fathom." Seeing the big picture is a skill I've trained myself to switch off 2 years ago. Hence, it didn't occur to me to think that way. My life is filled with little tiny steps. If anything, the past 3 months of my life, this is the one skill I've been taught too many times, and through all the pain staking lessons, I found out that I actually learned. Especially when the big picture was put forth to me yesterday.
I am aware of the reality but I still want to grab on to the hope, to the wavering faith, to the magic of Christmas that miracles are possible. Against all odds, against all my negativity, against all your 'kind hearted efforts of asking me to be prepared', the only thing keeping me alive is hope. Please, please please spare me all your kind hearted intentions, I appreciate it BUT I'm not ready to give up my battle. (The last 2 days of hearing such kind hearted intentions shocked and hurt me tremendously. So please spare me such words because it would only bring nothing but hurt, pain and tears. Which honestly, I have no lack of.
Yes, 2011 will be nothing I've ever imagined but it will just mean that I will fight like I've never done before. :-) The mountains to climb will be huge and the path will be full of twists and turns. I will continue to trip and fall, I will probably hurt myself continously and maybe cry an even bigger ocean of tears... The point is, my war isn't over and I will not stop fighting ever, with or without my faith. And if I have to live the rest of my life fighting this war, I would be glad to! Despite of me being drained completely and wanting to just escape from all these pain, I just won't give up! And if it's a pain and fear I have to live with my whole life, at the expense of me giving up everything, I'm more than happy to be in this constant fight, fear and going in and out of light and darkness, despair and hope, love and sadness, disappointments and elation roller coaster ride! AS LONG AS CHAR IS WITH ME, bring it on anytime. :-)
It's already Christmas here with the feisty family!!! Merry Christmas everyone!!!
PS: YEAH!!! I did it right??? I finally wrote an uplifting entry, did I not?!?!?