I am OKAY.

Yes, Charmaine HAMA positive.

I dread hearing my phone ring yesterday. We went out to Chinatown to stock up on grocery and came back about 4:30pm. I was kind of jittery but still hopeful that the call wouldnt come in.

Darn. Did I ever mention that I hate my jinxed 6th sense?
At 5pm sharp, the phone rang. My heart jumped a few beats faster.
I was half hoping that it might be the office calling to inform me about the CT scan timing this morning.

It was Yih Chih, the nurse practitioner. My heart sank.
"Miss Lim, Charmaine HAMA positive."
The only words that came out of my mouth was "OK."
And before I know it, tears started flowing down. I couldnt conceal my shock, my sadness, my disappointment, my worries, myself. Yih Chih heard me. She comforted me and assured me that things will be ok. But nothing makes sense to me anymore. I just couldnt get my brain to focus.

All that I know I had to absolutely remember and understand was this: -
They will repeat blood test in 3 weeks time on the 23rd of Nov. Results will be out on 24th. In the meantime, Charmaine is going to be maintained on Accutane for 2 weeks starting 16th November.

And if she still is HAMA positive on the 24th of November, they will start a 'treatment' to bring down the T cells and something I couldnt make much sense of. In laymen's terms, they will bring down her body immunity so that the resistance will wear off. However, even after the treatment, its really up to the body as to when she will HAMA negative. (It may take months) They use 2 types of drugs. One of which is a chemo drug which is why I really hate it. She assured me that the dose is small and that her counts wont drop BUT the point is, I just dont want it to happen!

I basically couldnt stop crying ever since that call and the kids found out. They said they felt like crying too seeing me cry. So I lied. I said I am sick, having a bad headache and a runny nose, not crying. Jase made the bed, and Char tried to make her useful as well, kept kissing me on my cheeks. I really had such a bad urge to cry out loud and scream my head off but I couldnt. And that kind of made everything worse. Got sick too.

Called Jolene and Charlene immediately but I couldnt talk except to inform them. I'm sorry I got both you ladies stressed out with my cries and inappropriately timed call. Stephanie and Iris called too. Sorry for stressing you both out as well. I was still trying to fight the reality and was just very very lost. I dont know what's going to happen and all I could do was to cry.

I knew that when I decided to come to NYC alone with the kiddos, there will come a day when I have to face challenges like this. Its tough indeed. I felt like my whole world crashing down onto me again and yet I have to be strong. I have to continue my days as though nothing ever happened and go on doing my chores and being sane. I was just telling my friend that only now do I realise that those movie/drama scenes whereby ladies faint upon hear grim news actually is not that fake. I could hardly breath and just couldnt control my body from going sick and weak and numb. My headache was killing me as well. I threw up everything that I had forced myself to swallow.

It sounds terrible. It is. I wont even lie. Because it is the only time where I can get to be myself and be honest with how I am feeling now. I am really feeling shit now. I cannot focus and I dont know what or how to think. And I just cant stop my darn tears gushing out! BUT I dont want to cry anymore because it is going to make me more sick than ever. And I cannot get sick. Not now.

So here I am. I refuse to write a depressing entry. Especially today. NOT today.
Even though I feel like a piece of nervous wreck now, I do not want to remain this way when I wake up tomorrow. To everyone else who cried alongside with me upon hearing the news, thank you. I cried and cried BUT its enough. I questioned what did I do wrong again? I asked if it was because I started to be happy again and hence I had to be pushed down the abyss once more. I can continue to write about how tough and how depressed I am but I choose not to! Because I dont have the luxury to do so. And I know everyone must be worried sick for me.

I am feeling much much better after taking the much needed nap. My headache is gone, almost totally. And we still have tons to be done in a few hours. CT scans today, MIBG scan tomorrow. I am going to need ALL the positive energy I can gather to pull through the rest of the week with good news. And if thats what it takes to get the good news, I will do it! I will smile and attract whatever positive aura I can get! CLEAR SCANS CLEAR SCANS CLEAR SCANS!!!

And I need your help. I promise I will be okay. And I promise I wont let this get me down longer than a day. So please dont worry for me. Instead, please channel all the prayers towards Charmaine and pray that she will have CLEAR SCANS all the way!!!

As for what is going to happen from now in terms of treatment, we are at the phase where we have always mentioned earlier. Uncertainty. I dont wish to speculate and jinx my little princess. But I will try to update everyone as we go along. Hence, please bear with me as I cannot answer your questions.

I'm just focusing on the rest of the week. Scans week is very nerve wrecking. :-( I will think about others at the end of the week.

Please please keep those much need prayers coming in. THANK YOU so much, from the bottom of my heart. And we will be OKAY, just in case you are worried. Ending it with a big smile. :-)

Love,
Cyn mommy