SCANXIETY

I am gonna be sleepless tonight for sure! I went to Dr Kushner's Office asking for Charmaine's scan results. And I was told someone would call me back by the end of today. Indeed, I received a call. A Dr M called me at 4pm asking if anyone called to inform me of Charmaine's results. I said "NO." So, Dr M, instead of telling me the results, told me that she will check and get someone to call me back by tomorrow morning!!! Argh. Why couldnt she just tell me instead? Doesnt she know she is making me more paranoid than ever by actually calling me and not telling me!

Ahhh... I am trying very very hard to stay calm, focused or just simply being normal. I know I need positive thoughts to get my good news but its so tough. :-(

I just put my cell phone into the washing machine and spun it twice! Hmm, how smart can I be! And I 'cooked' my hand along with the food. ARGH. Am I losing it? Feels like insanity is surrounding me again. :S

The truth is its driving me nuts just waiting to hear the results. And everytime the phone rings, i can barely breathe. More so if the number is from Sloan Kettering.

DEAR GOD, If you can read, hear or see me, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me that Charmaine's scans are awesome and perfectly clean or clear or just normal! I am begging, pleading, praying and crying out to you. PLEASE KEEP CHARMAINE SAFE and HEALTHY.

On the one hand, I keep telling myself I have to be positive and smile and be happy and have faith that everything is okay and I am just being overly paranoid. On the other hand, I cannot stop my mind from straying onto those fearful thoughts.

The angust, the anxiety (or what parents here term as SCANXIETY) and the fear is really painful and tough to manage. One NB parent described it best:

"I do not need to explain to oncology families what any of this feels like. For those of you that do not walk in our shoes, I wouldn't even want you to imagine the angst of a parent as you undergo the "SCANS" week. Not being able to breathe, pretty much sums it up for a visual. Sitting here on a gorgeous Fall day, watching XXX play... and I not having any clue as to what may be in store for our lives in just a few short days can bring one to their knees. We are ofcourse putting our faith in a clear, clean, NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE path..."

Living life on the edge is how I feel everyday since Charmaine's diagnosis, and especially so today. Ironically, I used to complain and whine about how life is too boring and monotonous. Now I know what I have taken for granted all these years of my life, I would give it up all to have a chance to live that monotonous and boring life everyday because such 'excitement' is too much to bear!

Sometimes, no news is good news.
And, no excitement and just being normal is really not a bad thing after all.

Still praying... fingers and toes and everything crossed for good news.

By the way, both Jase and Charmaine are going great though. Both Jase and Charmaine has grown! Looking at Jase big shoulders and some tiny muscles around his arms makes me forget all the anxiety for awhile there. He has become tougher and silly him, he doesnt realise how 'strong' he is and often forgets his strength when he plays! Our little princess, Charmaine has grown to her pre-treatment weight and has in fact put on a little more. Chubby is the best word to describe her now. :-) She's getting so heavy I could barely carry her longer than 5mins! (But did I mention that seeing her tummy grow bigger freaks me out every single minute of my life?) Dr Kushner and I were having a discussion on Charmaine having no pain worries and freaks me out totally and he jokingly rebuked "WHAT KIND OF MOTHER ARE YOU? Wishing for pain for your kid?" Irony isnt it? Yeah, nothing beats being watching your own child grow taller and gaining weight. But here I am, happy and worried at the same time. Mixed emotions. Its a mental torture. You laugh but somewhere in that mind of yours, the fear lingers always.

Another NB parent wrote something which I think eclipsed my thoughts or actually every NB parent's thoughts perfectly. "I will never stop worrying ever, probably until she celebrates her 80th Birthday."

Hmm, sometimes I try to normalise, screaming at myself: "Which parent doesnt worry for their child in the first place!" Being a mother or a father, whether our child is sick or not, we will always worry, isnt it? When I think that way, it makes me feel a little 'normal'. (When you read some of the NB kids' blogs, you realise that all the parents use the word 'normal' usually in italics or with a open and close inverted comma) I am also living in that 'normal' world now...

Pardon me for this rather messy entry that keeps jumping topics with my incoherent and rather anxious thoughts now. :(

Once again, I feel better after typing/saying it out. THANK YOU for listening. I know you are. :-)

Its time for me to get back to my chores and keep my thoughts positive and busy.


Sending my regards and love to everyone,
Cyn mommy