The date is set

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Charmaine was discharged from hospital on Sunday after completing her 4th chemo.

We went back to NUH for outpatient consultation today and she needed a Haemoglobin transfusion. This is her 3rd Haemoglobin transfusion since Feb, my little princess has become a little medical expert herself. She knows that there are 2 types of transfusion, one being the blood which is longer and the other is platelets which is faster. As usual, she was initially slightly upset at having to be poked but quickly settled down knowing that we wont have to stay overnight. As her neutrophils is at the all time low, her temperature has been fluctuating. It went up to 37.8 and came down to 37.3 and went up again to 37.7. Charmaine and I continued singing and playing while at the back of my mind, I couldnt help worrying and whether we would have to admit instead of going home as what I promised her earlier. Thankfully, it went down again to 37.2 and we were allowed to go home. While waiting for taxi, I could feel her temperature creeping up slowly, so I just kept praying non stop hoping that it was merely a reaction from the transfusion and not any infection.

Because the next couple of weeks are very precious to me, or rather, to Charmaine. She has about 3 more weeks before her surgery. I need and I hope to keep her at home, infection free...

so that she can play all she wants without worrying about the needles dislodging... so that she can eat all she craves to pile up for the days that she cannot consume...
so that she can fight all she likes with Jase to make up for the days that Kor Kor is not able to visit her...

18th June 2009

On the one hand, I am glad we are closer to this hurdle, because its one of the important hurdles to cross for Charmaine and us. However, its not exactly something a mother would wish for her own baby. Yes, I want that monster our of her. Any quicker, the better. I just want all of that monster out of her totally. It should never even have gotten anywhere near my girl in the first place!

I know Charmaine is in good hands with Dr Chui and the team... but I dont even dare to imagine how would I be able to bring myself to see my Charmaine after the surgery!...

I know I should smile when I see her after her surgery. Because I have to tell her that you have done a wonderful job, my brave little girl! You have done it!

Indeed, this is what I am going to make myself do it, instead of crying. "Baby, I know you dont like to see mummy cry. So here, I am going to give you my word that I wont cry when I welcome you out of that operating theatre because its supposed to be a joyous thing that we have made it this far and because you dont like to see mommy cry and because I am not allowed to cry when you need me most".

Why am I writing all these nonsense when its 3 weeks away! Sometimes, I wish I can just switch off my mind!!!

Need to just swing off to something else to get this off my mind for a bit.

Like to say thank you to a few friends that has been helping me too much over these last months...

THANK YOU

Jolene and Kehang - for everything. Done too much for me to even name any [Happy Belated Birthday!]
Alexis and Johnny - for all the help
Josse - for being my rational mind
Charlene - our pretty, kind playmate who is always on stand by
Micky - for driving us up and down
Angela - for always being around
Emily, Christine and Fanny - for all the weekends burned
YY, Leonard and Vivian - for being so kind even we were strangers before this
Jan, Louisa, Keli and Jester - for rushing over when you first heard
Jason, Diane, Vivian - for being such kind neighbours
James and Caryn - for being so concerned and helpful
Kevin - for being our #1 COO and being so generous
Tim - for being so sweet
Danny and Dan - for always asking
Ken Wee and Rowena - for being around
Geraldine and Pei Ling - for being such wonderful playmates
Sibil and family - for supporting me
Meishi and family - for supporting me from afar
Shin Yi - for being the angel who led me to Dr Aung
Pansy - for you know what
Priscilla - for the cleaning products
Rachel and family and friends and colleagues
Jasmine, Yaxuan, Boon Siong...
The NGNBN Team from IDA
DEL Ex colleagues

Too many many many others...
Please please please forgive me should I not mention you here... Doesnt mean I have forgotten you, I just have way too many things at the back of my mind now...

Writing to Dr Yu, logistics to check for NY so that Char doesnt miss the critical timeline to receive the drug, How about Jase, How long do we need to stay in NY... Lodging, money... Jase's spelling, Jase not eating well...

Did I tell you I am actually very afraid to bring Charmaine all alone myself to New York. Did I also tell you that I am not confident I can do it... Did I also tell you that the treatment in NY is very tough and painful for my little girl? The thought of the pain makes me question myself every night am i doing the right thing?

I have to go check on her fever again... My bag is always packed, ready to leave anytime when it reaches to 37.8

Goodnight everyone.

Love,
Cyn mummy

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Cyn,

Can understand your fear of bring Charmaine alone to US for treatment.

But take heart that as the day draws nearer, you will find strength from within to take the next step. Afterall you have come this far thou it was never easy. But you made it through, isn;t it? You will and you can continue to hold Charmaine's hand as she go through the treatment with many of your friends supporting you.

Jia you!

Regards
Eve

Jolene said...

Hi Eve,

Its Cynthia here. Been meaning to say thank you to you. Your messages have pulled me along this far, thank you.

Though we have never met and strictly speaking, just mere strangers, the affinity shared between us as a single parent is somewhat unexplainable.

In fact, I totally understand when you said you do not think that you are a strong woman. Neither do I! Its this lack of choice for us that makes us look like tough cookies. Nonetheless, I also can empathise how tough it is doing it all alone, hence, take credit that you are doing a great job too! :-)

Quite frankly, I dont dare to think much. I just know that as fearful as I am, I gotta keep walking... One small step at a time...

Its been a pleasure knowing a special friend in you. Please allow me to say a big thank you for following us silently through the months. THANK YOU.

Love,
Cyn

 
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