I need help

Sunday, May 10, 2009

I thought over, probably a couple hundreds of times wondering how to write this entry. At the end of the day, I still have no idea what to write.


Truth is when I first saw the email sent by Dr Aung on the amount needed to bring Charmaine to New York for treatment, I was shocked. $350,000 is the upfront deposit. I weren’t sure what currency it was in. Sent Jolene and Charlene a text message, ending the message with “I would give up if it is in USD”.


And of course, the bad news never ends.


$350,000 USD.


Half a million Singapore dollars.


How would I ever be able to raise this amount of sum? How do I convince anyone that Charmaine’s life is worth half a million dollars? I don’t know how. I seriously don’t know how. So many times, I want to give up. I don’t know how to think. I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to think. I don’t dare to think.


A week has passed since I received the email and I know I have already procrastinated a week away and made no progress.


I am brought up to think rationally and weigh my decisions against benefits and cost. Rationally speaking, I know fully well that half a million dollars can be better spent on saving thousands of malnourished kids in Africa than on Charmaine who only has a 40-50% chance of survival even with the antibody in New York.


But Charmaine is my daughter. No amount of money can justify how important she is to me. And Jase. Despite Jase’s young age and maturity, I know fully well that he loves his mei mei just as much as I do.


I would do just about anything to save her. I thought about selling my kidney, being a surrogate mom. They may sound stupid and crazy but my conscience feels so much better with me earning that USD $350,000 because I cannot think of any rational reason to convince you to help me save Charmaine.


I really thought of giving up. Its so much more easier and I am so tired.


I don’t want to think about anything anymore. Its easier just remembering the next doctor’s appointment, the next time for medication, the next time to pay the bills and just things I can do without thinking…


I even avoided Jolene and Charlene for a week because I have no answer for them. Their suggestion to go public and seek for help. My permission to allow them to publicise the materials.


Even as I am typing right now, I don’t exactly know what am I doing. I don’t know what I have decided. I don’t know the consequences of me typing this.


The only thing I know for sure is that should anything happen to Charmaine, I would never be able to forgive myself for not trying to fight for Charmaine when all she has to help her is me.


This is the very reason why I am typing this.


Dear friends, please help Jase and me to save Charmaine.


Thank you.



Cynthia
Posted by Cyn mommy at 10:17 PM
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5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Cynthia and Joleen,

Have you consider asking for donations thru public? Like highlighting Charmaine's case in New Paper etc?

I believe with wider audience, can reach the target easier.

I truly truly wish/ hope and pray that Charmaine will come out fine and grown up healthy.

Regards
Eve

May 12, 2009 at 8:23 PM
Kevin S. said...

"So many times, I want to give up. I don’t know how to think. I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to think. I don’t dare to think"

That exactly what cancer is. It just stops all thought, all rationality. I remember days where anything was better than thinking. I was like a zombie, trying so hard not to think. And then there were other days, days when I can couldn't stop thinking - those were bad days, the worst.

May 12, 2009 at 10:56 PM
Stephanie said...

How about consider a 1 time prayer by me and my sis with no string attach?

Recently polyclinic told my mum to go specialist, said her eye bleeding from behind. She called me up and I prayed for her. On day of check up, doctor find no problem, Jesus healed her! My mum just need to believe she is healed and her eyes are fine now.

Most important, cost nothing. Just the Life of Jesus that was hanged on the cross 2000 yrs ago for all our sins and sicknesses.

May 15, 2009 at 4:40 PM
Anonymous said...

Hi Cynthia,

In the US there is such thing as grant from the Means committee of a hospital. I would like to share my experience with another hospital in Los Angeles - Cedars Sinai and how we got a big discount.

Of course its not totally free. My dear mother was to have a surgery in the hospital the bill was about roughly 200,000US$, what we did was to ask to talk to the Hospital's means/charity committee. We dont know what will happen but when we were confined there, we just went to that department.

We negotiated of what we can pay upfront. It was about 65,000US$, and our only negotiating point was that we promise to pay the balance, but it will take us time.
The hospital means chairman told us that its okay we pay what we can, the hospital will take care of the rest.

The americans are a very kind people, they know medical bills is expensive but there are a lot of charities and grants for foreign nationals in that country. I still thank that country for such kindness.

But again i think it wouldnt be possible without prayers. I felt that it was divine intervention that had pulled us through with such ordeal.

I dont know how you would pull this through for your daughter but be rest assured that you are doing the right thing already, charmaine knows that, she feels that. Its normal to feel that we may lack something in such a situation but its normal, you are just right at the moment where you are now.

You have showered Charmaine enough love that a daughter can get. It will pull through!

Cancer is a very bad thing, but it is nothing as long as you guys stick together and pray for healing. And believe that things will turn out well.

I hope things will turn out to be well when you are in NY. Dont be afraid to go there, yes its uncertain but things will always fall into place when you are there. Charmaine can handle it, you should also, you can draw strength from your own daughter. Cry when you can, I cried in the lift, in the car, in the church, it helps. I also always call to my Jesus for help too when I cry bec of bad news.

Anyways..stay strong, be positive, pray hard!!! and give all the love you can to charmaine. This are the ingredients for you to pull through this with you daughter.

I will also pray for you and Charmaine!!!

June 5, 2009 at 1:33 AM
olivia said...

THere's a hospital called St Jude's Hospital in the US. They help kids with cancer and they get donations from the public. I think they might be able to help you without you forking all of the
US$350,000. Pls contact them ASAP and try to get them to help your daughter.

http://www.stjude.org/stjude/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=f2bfab46cb118010VgnVCM1000000e2015acRCRD

June 6, 2009 at 7:21 AM

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