A day I want to forget and remember forever - 2nd Oct, 2011 Sunday

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Why am I having so many conflicting emotions all at the same time?

I'm scared but yet I'm still brave.
I'm worried but yet I'm safe.
I'm suffering but yet I'm glad she's still here with me.
I'm tired but yet I'm still holding the fort, doing more than I ever have.
I'm insane but yet I'm sane enough to function.
I'm angry but yet happy she's still fighting.
I'm hurting but yet I want her to stay with me.
I'm not at peace but yet I'm telling myself to be.
I'm almost dead but yet I'm still very much alive.
I'm numbed but yet I'm loved.

I feel so alone but yet I'm surrounded by friends and family and even strangers.
I feel like it will be impossible to move on but yet I know life goes on.
I'm nothing and yet I'm everything because I have the love of my kids.

My little princess seems to have made up her mind or something. She doesn't want to take her medications. Not even for me, anymore. She used to eat and drink for her mama me and probably live for me even. Now, she doesn't want to. I couldnt convince her. She hasn't smiled in days. She doesn't even talk at all.

But it was a good day by our standards...

Those were typed on Wednesday 5th Oct, 2011.

Today, the 6th Oct, 2011 Thursday~~~

We sent her blood to check her counts this morning and they were decently good thankfully.
HB 11
Platelet 71
ANC 1.5

But this morning, we woke up to a huge scare... She awoke to excruciating pain in her left chest... I had a listen with a sethescope and heard some weird noises... I had to press many reduces of morphine and ketamine before she finally dozed off again...

She seems a little better now but I'm still scared stiff...

Is this what living hell is all about?
I'm constantly wondering if this is the last moment I will ever get to tell my baby that I love her so much... Every little small occurrence will send my heart panicking and yet I had already promised a very good friend of mine that I will remain as solid as a rock for Jase when the moment comes. And most importantly, I had promised myself that I will remain as calm and as sane as I could when the moment comes so that I can do every single damn thing a mother shouldn't be doing for her own baby. I want to make sure everything is as smooth and as best it can be for my child...

And yet, is this what the greatest love is all about?
My little princess, my char, my baby is still fighting against the excruciating pain from her bone mets, the breathing difficulties, the immobility, and every little thing that is causing her to suffer... She is still fighting to stay with me, stay with the family she loves... This is the most love I've ever received from anyone and it will be the greatest love I will ever experience my whole life.

I don't dare to leave my baby for fear that I may lose her... I don't know what to expect and I don't really know if I can be as brave as I stubbornly am insisting to everyone that I CAN and I AM. I don't really care if everyone thinks I'm overwhelmed or I'm crumbling. Fact is I am still standing tall alongside my little warrior, lack of sleep or not...

I am thankful for my good health and my adrenaline keeping me going. I am so proud of my son Jase who has stopped schooling and who is stepping up a few ranks to help me with taking care of Char round the clock... I am so grateful to my friends rallying around us...

Most importantly, I am treasuring every single second of my my time with my baby princess...

Char spent more then 6 hours yesterday awake, watching some TV cartoons and even chided Jase for blocking her view and changing her channel. I almost cheered out loud when I heard that. It's like my princess is back!!!

But today, her chest pains are really bothering her... She just asked for water, took a few sips and requested that I put her back on the respiratory bipap mask...

Dear Heavens, please have mercy on my child. I am never in tuned with the spiritual realm of existence and wished I had one... To say "I believe" doesn't make me feel very in touched with that elusive thing called faith as well. I don't know what is the right way to pray with my heart... I don't know how to commend for that miracle that others successfully received...

I am doing everything I can possibly think of... I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I kneel, I screamed, I cursed out in frustration, I tried bargaining with my life, I whispered, I tried to think positively, I asked Char to tell her cells to listen to her, I told her not to leave me became I NEED her more then she needs me...

Buddha, God, Whoever is up there, please hear me out. I don't know how to convince you why you must spare my child and allow her to live... I think of all the 4 kids we lost last week to neuroblastoma worldwide... I am devastated and I am so scared...

Give me a sign... Give me a hint or anything to help me save my baby...

I am probably the world's greatest actress because the doctors and nurses see me as a very different, rational and realistic mom. It's all an great act! Either that, or I have one of the best presentation skills to position myself as a sane human being in order to convince the doctors to treat my child the only way I can think of...

I speak like I'm realistic and logical about where we are heading towards and sound like I am the world's most prepared mom when it comes to losing my child BUT the TRUTH is I am breaking apart and my baby's horrifying suffering is killing me.

The only reason I am sane and still functioning is because she is still breathing and warm besides me...



2amYH said...

I'm glad to have see this update. I believe miracle will come, I believe the body self-healing will work and eradicate all the disease by its own immune system. I believed in faith. Please don't give up.

stacey said...

Perhaps these videos will inspire you in someway. http://worldhealers.com/carl_simonton.html

Courage is not the absence of fear, but standing up to it. One step at a time, one prayer at a time. so hang in there!

小熊猫 said...

Cynthia mommy,
I really admire you... Your unconditional love and strong determination... You are a great mommy! We will pray for you, Charmaine and Jase;) Most importantly, take care! You angels need you... They need you to be sane and healthy.

Little Charmaine,
Please continue to fight the monsters! Your mom and your kor kor need you! Jiayou! We hope to see you in horizon primary next year!

To my dearest Jase,
Please stay strong and positive! Your mei mei and mom need u! As the eldest in the family, you have to learn to take good care of yourself... As well as your family:) Throw your school work... preparation for review aside, spend more time with your love ones...

Oh, I kept your children's day present, you can take from me when you are back to school. Last but not least, Happy children's day! We all miss you!

With love,
Ms Peh

jen.soo said...

Dear Cyn,
I know I am in no position to tell you what to do but I just wanted to share my thoughts with you. When people say Let go, it doesn't have to mean give up and stop fighting. For me, I take it as surrendering/leaving it all unto God and let Him be in charge. This way, I have great comfort knowing He is in charge. And many will tell you that God is a great God. :) So even if the path is tough (i think because life is meant to be tough), we will be able to cross the storm with Him holding our hands. It doesn't mean the storm will go away but we WILL be able to cross it safely.

I hope you won't feel too beaten and tired. I've read that Jolene is a Christian so I think you may have been exposed to quite abit of Christian stuff. Why don't you entrust Char unto our Heavenly Father and whatever may come, know that Charmaine is in good hands.
Let's put aside religion but by knowing Charmaine will be in good hands, doesn't it help us feel better? :) (hugs)

In life we always want things to turn out our way. This is natural cos we are human beings. When we pray for something, we just want to see the results that we ask for. and when we ask for miracles, we already have a fixed definition of the miracles we want to see. But our miracles and blessings could come in other ways like say having strength along the way, having alot of people who show you they love you, and for your case, your miracle could very much be the fact that you have your little man Jase healthily beside you and all of us here rooting for Charmaine.

I hope I won't sound to you like I'm another Stephanie. Pesonally I feel that when we know we are going to lose someone or if we have lost someone, knowing that he/she is now flying high with Jesus (WE WILL MEET AGAIN, JUST A MATTER OF TIME) is much more comforting than to wonder where he/she has gone (lost forever).

I can't imagine how upset and shattered you are now. I myself wish it was all just a nightmare. I have 2 young kids about the same age as yours too. So I just wish I could help you feel better in any way and that's why I shared.

Pls know that we are all holding your hand so you are not alone.

Bebe Nana said...

Cyn mommy,


You have done the right things, in your extreme tiredness & constant exhaustion don't give up pray and pray.. may miracle of healing does happen for little princess.

Can't do much and helpless too, but hold you & Charmaine tight in this prayer.


dreamstar said...

Be not perplexed,
Be not afraid,
Everything passes,
God does not change.
Patience wins all things.
He who has God lacks nothing;
God alone suffices.
—Saint Teresa of Avila

We will keep praying :)
Charmaine jiayou! Cyn mommy jiayou! Jase jiayou!

Cat said...

Dear Cyn,

I don't know you personally. But my heart goes out to you and Charmaine as I read your recent blog.

I will be praying for you both. The God I will be praying to is Jesus Christ - He is the only one I know who is real and who really cares.

"Dear Heavenly Father, please reveal yourself to Cyn, Jason and Charmaine that this family will find you in these most trying times.

You promised that those who put their faith in You will never be disappointed. You are a faithful God who always keeps your promise. Please Lord, please comfort little Charmaine. Her blood count seems better but she is very tired, she is very discouraged and she is in pain. You see her pain right Lord? I'm sure you do. Jesus came to this earth to save us from the darkness and sins of this world. You understand pain, you understand hurt -- please reach out to steady the family, give them a miracle. Reveal yourself to them, turn their sorrow into gladness, their pain into joy.

Lord Jesus. Send your angels to minister to this family. May you help little Charmaine to smile from her heart again. May you be Cyn's comfort. She don't know you Lord, she needs you Lord! They need you Lord, please have mercy.

You are a good God. I believe in you because of your Word in the Bible and because of what you have done in my life. As a stroke-survivor, I testify your goodness. That even in the midst of a storm, Peace can reign. I pray that for Charmaine and family too.

In Jesus Name I believe and pray, Amen.

Cat Lee

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