I brought my tired child home to say goodbyes...

Monday, October 3, 2011

It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do and it's killing me.

Had the talk from all the various doctors and nurses who has always been helping me to take care of my little girl...

Everyone is withholding back tears...

I spent some time trying to force my brain to remain in my head, my soul to not disperse and my tears from not gushing out... To learn what I have to do when the time comes, who to call to certify the worst nightmare in my life and to also learn for the first time in my life that death from cancer doesn't require autopsy... Standing amongst the very doctors who have always been helping me... I know they were there to rally their support for me...

Needless to say, more then half the time, my brain was in auto shut down mode without my control... BUT I got the gist of everything I needed to hear to get a certification of that whatever cursed nightmare.

So here I am, impossibly sane and insane at the same time. Is that even possible? Yes, because I am a control freak when it comes to my babies so I want to make sure that I can do everything for her up till the very last minute... Every damn thing that a mother shouldn't be doing for her child - I will learn and I will force myself to listen to do it for you because I know she will want no one else but me to do it...

BUT I'm so drained. Every bone aches. Every second I feel like just crying... I look at my princess and I hate everything that she is enduring... NOTHING makes sense anymore.

And yet, when I should be spending as much time as possible with my little girl, there's an incredibly large amount of logistics, and new things to learn to walk the rest of the journey!

As minute as the odd may seem, please pray for a miracle for me.


Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
puppy lust said...

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please create a miracle for Charmaine, your beloved daughter. For the many miracles that you have created for me, i believed once again that you will do the same for her.

Dear Father, i know You have been working overnight and overtime. I know you at your own time know what is best for your beloved daughter. However, dear Father now is not the time.

I believe in you Heavenly Father up above, and we believe in you. Please Please help save little Charmaine.

Thank you Father, I pray in Jesus name, Amen.

Ginsengmum said...

Dear Cyn,

I am a mummy to 2, a follower of ur blog. Upon reading this post, i am really at a loss of words.

You've been a very very strong mummy, one that i look upon. I wouldn't know if i will ever been a strong as you.

Wished i could give you and little princess a big hug. You both have done well even if the ending is not what is expected. Stay strong, Jase needs you.

stacey said...

It is a process of change. Like a caterpillar becomes chrysalis, hatches as a butterfly. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Rachel said...

stay strong
you have our support no matter what decision you make.
we will pray for her and for miracle

Joanne Loh said...

Dear Cyn mommy,

Been following this blog for quite some time. I have been praying alongside with you as you share with us about the joys, the disappointments and heartaches that you have been going through.

Just wanted to share Psalm 63 with you.

Psalms 63
A psalm of David. When he was in the Desert of Judah.

1 You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.

3 Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

4 I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.

5 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

6 On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night.

7 Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings.
8 I cling to you;your right hand upholds me.

9 Those who want to kill me will be destroyed; they will go down to the depths of the earth.

10 They will be given over to the sword and become food for jackals.

11 But the king will rejoice in God; all who swear by God will glory in him, while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

I know that many of us are praying alongside with you for a miracle to happen. Hang in there and stay strong.

God bless.

mrs er said...

take care Cynthia, my thots and prayers are with you and your family.

Ms. Potatoe said...

I'm sorry this has to happen but don't give up till the last day...! Can I come by... let me know xx

Orange said...

Dear Cynthia,

I am also mother and I salute your strength and courage. You have been by Char's side from day 1 and battled every difficulty and hardship no one can imagine. You have done all you can.
I am at a loss of words as I know no words can give you comfort at this moment. We will keep on praying for Char.
Char, you are a very special princess...Your courage and determination is beyond what I can imagine. God, I believe in miracles. Pls help Char and Cyn.

gguppyy said...

Dear Stephanie,
Pls read
Matthew 7:21-23

On the day of reckoning , this is what your Abba will be telling you.

I think you have gone to extreme in posting such comments .

And to Cynthia ,
It is part of God's plan.
I know how you feel.
If the future seems overwhelming, remember that it comes one moment at a time.

SherlinLau said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cyn mommy said...


I’m Godma Jolene here. If you feel that your words are in vain and that we’re ignoring you, I’m sure you would be glad to finally see some reaction in the form of a reply to you.

Even though I’ve handed over the managing of this blog to Cynthia, I read ever comment and I saw all the comments that you have left. I really feel that at this moment, I’ve to step forward to say something to you. I’m not speaking for Cynthia but speaking for myself and how I feel about this.

We’re not rejecting Jesus.

We’re not rejecting Christ.

I don’t know if Cynthia feels the same way, but I dare say that if I were her, I’m rejecting you.

We have accepted help from other Christians, the kind and compassionate ones.

I myself am a Christian and I really cannot bear to read every single word from you. All the words from the LORD that you’ve claimed were communicated to you and that you’ve typed out in HIS words (direct speech), I really cannot fathom them as words from the LORD. The LORD I know is a compassionate one and HE loves us all equally. He would never ever say such harsh words as you did.

11 comments from you still not approved yet. I’m very sure that if I approved them and if our Christian friends read them, many would disagree with many of your words too. We did not want to approve them as we do not want to embark on a religious discourse here on this blog.

Time and time again, you said you would not bug us, but you came back and not only bugged us but annoyed us. I understand your strong conviction to save Charmaine and I definitely understand your concern and compassion but your words seem to prove otherwise.

On June, you said that would be the last time you would be posting on our blog but yet you appeared over again. The words from some of your comments were really harsh.

“(T)here is nothing Jesus could do except to let Charmaine suffer the ultimate. He already told you about her time running out. This is the final week + a couple more days. Whether you want her to be alive or not is up to you. Jesus will not force you.”

You also mentioned in June that the LORD disclosed Charmaine’s death date to you – a few days more than 2 weeks from the date 11th June 2011. Then on the “final week”, you came back again to remind us or was it to warn us that DEATH was approaching. Charmaine is still alive. Was it truly the LORD’s words? I really don’t know coz I know the LORD would not be wrong. And to reiterate what I’ve said just now. The LORD do not cast out such harsh words like you did.

I don’t wish to copy and paste more insensitive words from your comments for all to see as the ones above from you though less harsh than your other unapproved ones, seem blatant enough for fellow Christians to even feel like how we do.

Please, if you really care for Cynthia and Charmaine, plese leave them alone. I really appreciate you reaching out to them but I don’t approve of the way you do it. Please let them have some peace and when you next say that it would be the last time you post, I hope you keep to your words.

Thank you and may God bless you.

I'm a spree addict! said...

Stephanie, apologise and go away. Let Cynthia and family be at peace. Who are you to judge? What gives you the right to post nast comments in the name of Jesus? You are a shame to the community.

If yoy still have a heart and some common sense left, putting religion aside, you would have known Cyn and Char is a fighter. They are the person with much more faith than you.

And if you know the true meaning of Christ, yoy know what it means by Let Go and Let God.

Now be a good girl and just go away.

Anne said...

I am a mum and I will pray for u. God loves char, and evbody. Stay strong, cyn, Jase u hv my love as I have two boys. U are the man ...God bless

Anne said...

God bless you and your family. Jase the lord will bless you to be the man...Jesus loves

shmj said...

Cynthia, I read your postings with tears in my eyes.
Its an extremely difficult but brave decision that you have made.

Whatever happens, may the Good Lord be with you during this painful time.

Stephanie - your words/comments are too harsh. If you can't offer simple hugs and support, then do butt out. Leave yourself some dignity & Know when you are NOT wanted.
oh, and see a Psychiatrist please. Personally, I seriously think you need to get help.

AmyS said...


Leave the family alone and go see a psychiatrist/psychologist. It'll be more constructive.

AmyS said...

Char, Cynthia, Jase: My thoughts are with you! All the best!

EA Photos World said...

To Stephanie: Everything happens for a reason, which is the cause of the result. What we have today, is what we earn yesterday; what we lost yesterday, is caused by something what we done day before. Dont everything push to religions, give the GOD a break!!!

EA Photos World said...


Though I am not a religion person, I am a father of 2. I can imagine how you feel.

Be strong, that's what you need to now. Give all your love/care to her during this limited period.

Daddy's Girl said...

Stephanie, writing that was totally inappropriate!

I am not a parent but lost my dad to cancer 9 years ago and while we did look to the Lord for healing and pray and hope for healing, we also know there is a chance that we may have to say a temporary goodbye.

Writing such remarks (no matter how convinced you are to think that they may come from the Lord) is a totally irresponsible act on your part and I seriously think you should just keep your mouth shut!

I attend the same church as you (as I gathered from your blog) and I really hope others won't get the wrong idea about Christians (including those from the same church)from your misguided "prophecy". Also, I seriously do think you need to get help for yourself.

Arkerchi said...

Cynthia, be strong as your child has been strong. We are praying for your child, you and also Jase.

As a Christian, it puzzled me how someone can be so warped. So for those who really have no compassion or empathy, please leave this family alone.

Arkerchi said...

Cynthia, be strong as your child has been strong. We are praying for your child, you and also Jase.

As a Christian, it puzzled me how someone can be so warped. So for those who really have no compassion or empathy, please leave this family alone.

Juliet said...

To Steph, I am CERTAIN that you did not hear from God. You hear it from the devil instead. Pls do not use the name of God to achieve your goals. You are very cruel n super insensitive.

Apuppy Store said...

For those who do not wants to give any encouragements, pls go away and leave them alone.

I have also always been following this blog and no words can describe what you are going thru and I am not a Christian. But if there is really a God up there regardless of what religion, I will pray to God to give Cyn's family as much time as possible and do not take away Charmaine away from her mother.

Luk1:37 said...

Dear Cynthia
So many people are praying for you and Charmaine! We admire the strength and courage you have and are touched by the love you and Charmaine have for each other! I will keep praying for Charmaine, Jase and you. Our God is a compassionate God and He will heal in ways that we may not know now. We just need to keep trusting in Him. God will heal us whatever pain we are going through, He will never leave us nor forsake us! Be strong and courageous! We will keep praying and praying. Trust in the Lord always.

Stephanie, the Word of God says we are to encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thes 5:11). Stop hurting others with your own words! Our God is a compassionate and gracious God!

Luk1:37 said...

Cynthia, stay strong amd keep trusting in Him. Our God is the Father of compassion, the God of all comfort (2Cor1:3). Will keep praying for Charmaine, Jase and you!

Feisty Princess Charmaine. Design by Pocket