I LOVE YOU CHAR CHAR

Baby,

How are you doing up there? Mama misses you a great deal, so does your Kor Kor. Mama has been very sick with a bad cough and sore throat and is finally down at the clinic now to get some medication. It's odd how mama has hardly fell ill in the 2 years 8 months journey and the few times I actually did, I could bounce back quickly with some over-the-counter medications. Yet, I've been trying to nurse my cough and throat for almost a week now to no avail. That's probably what mama has been telling you all along - Adrenaline is an amazing drug. And now, without you, my only source of adrenaline, my body is slowly losing it's invisible power shield.

Yesterday, 27th October 2011, was the seventh day since you left us. According to Chinese traditions, we visited you at the temple. I hope you are happy with your new home; mommy has had quite a few headaches trying to absorb all these traditions and trying to make all the decisions in such a short time.

Yesterday, mommy and Kor Kor finally cried while sitting besides your urn and chatting with you. It feels good to be able to cry a little like yesterday. Ever since your cremation day, mommy and Kor Kor have been doing an awesome job; we have not even shed a single tear... And to be honest, mama is starting to wonder and somewhat fear that I must be going insane on the inside. How can mama not feel despair and sorrow? I've read from other aunties that we will live in this odd detached place, feeling numb and void of much emotions... Is this what it feels like?

Mama cannot describe clearly what or how I feel like. I think we look great for someone who has just lost a precious little girl... I keep telling all the jie jie and Kor Kor who messaged mama that we are okay; I am okay except that I feel sick. And it does feel that way... I tell them it must be cheeky monkey you watching over your mama and Kor Kor, making sure that we don't spend our days crying and sobbing away. Btw, you are doing a great job there!

Honey, you remember what you used to say to mommy right? "I am not sad that mama is crying because I know mama will feel happy after crying." Yup, that's what mommy needs now. I know I am strong because I have you but I want to cry, it makes mommy feel normal.

It's hard to process the memory that just last week this time, I was preparing to head out with Gong Gong to select a coffin and decide on the funeral arrangements for you. I bet you must be out there watching and complaining that mommy didn't stay by your side the entire time and sneaked out instead. Forgive me, my love. :-) You know how your mommy is, I have to make sure that I do everything for you myself to make sure that it's done correctly the way you would have wanted.

Last week's memories are a pain and yet very much cherished. I don't know where to begin sweetheart...

You had been bleeding for a few days before Thursday... Well, outwardly anyway. Only Heavens will know how long you had truly been bleeding on the insides, without your retarded mommy knowing. Dr Aung returned on Monday the 17th and I had called her informing her that you were bleeding in the mouth... We discussed and made arrangements to bring you in that night. I remember Rong Rong jie jie calling mommy to tell mommy that your platelets were arriving between 8-9pm and that she would give us a call again when the platelets arrive so that we don't have to wait a long time at the hospital. Wrong wrong jie jie called mommy about 8:23pm that night and I called up our Ambulance auntie Jackie. That night, they took an hour to arrive at our home and we only settled into Ward 76 Bed 16 past 10pm. I remembered only because I remember the TV was on and they were showing .

Our nurse that night was Auntie Salome. As usual, they went about ordering pre-meds for the transfusions and I reminded them of all the IV meds you needed and the timings. I decided to knock off as much as I could because we didn't get to sleep much the nights before when you had more pain... Is it your mommy? Or is it because of the number of times we had screw-ups within the hospitals that I find it incredibly difficult to trust most people... It is not to say that the doctors or nurses are not good, most are but when it comes to my child's fragile life, I will not even allow one single blunder, considering how long you had been fighting and enduring treatment.

(Good grief, I find myself having to edit and amend my grammar continuously. Still can't register in my head that my baby, my child is a thing of the past now. Seriously, how much more cruel can life get?)

Suddenly, sitting in Dr Yeo's clinic now, I remember the early days of your treatments when I had to bring you in daily for your painful GCSF injections...when mommy would force you to put on your mask... When the auntie in the clinic would whisk us to the smaller room so that you not get all the germs from others... They remember you today and that brings me great comfort.

Sorry honey, mommy digressed again! Back to Monday the 17th, we had a platelet transfusion overnight and hmm I think we had a blood transfusion as well. Oh ya, we did because it took forever, more then 6 hours to finish that bag of packed cells. Speaking of which, if there are some of you who only got to know of my little princess Char after her earning of her angel wings, please do not despair that you have gotten to know her too late. You can honour her by continuing to spread her goodness.

PLEASE REMEMBER TO CONTINUE TO DONATE BLOOD AND PLATELETS IN HONOUR OF CHARMAINE. Let her spirit to fight continue to live on through us. Let others have the chance to continue to fight and live on through your precious priceless donation.

Oh dear, I side-tracked once again. :-) Haha, baby you know your mommy can't summarize and stay on track for nuts! I figure the only time that your mommy stayed on track is the time when I was determined to do everything I can humanely do to allow you to live. And I failed... Not only did I fail, I also begged the heavens to give you your wings and let you fly away from me...

So anyway, we finished the red blood transfusions the next morning and spent the next few hours waiting for all of our IV medications to be dispensed by the pharmacist. If my memory serves me right, we only left KKH past 4pm and was discharged by Xiu Hua jie jie. Another long long night and day... But we made it home. Your bleeding actually got better for awhile there...

I was glad and relieved. Throughout those non-stop slow bleeding in your mouth, we couldn't see the tumor as you could no longer open your mouth and we had assumed that you had bleeding gums... And you continued to ask for water to drink, with the occasional "lemony" or "yakult". You even asked for "ribena" once. Now that I know you must have had been bleeding non stop and because you didn't even attempt to spit out one drop of blood, one can only imagine how much blood you had been swallowing back into your stomach... You didn't even wince once my dear child, just how on earth you did all that with not a single word of complaint is totally beyond me and will forever remain so... I honestly cannot even begin to understand your strength... It's like I'm only seeing the small tip of your iceberg of courage, strength, patience and sheer determination...

As I'm typing these words here to you, I'm trying to imagine myself tasting and swallowing blood every second, for days and maybe even weeks... The thought freaks me out and I'm totally ashamed of my own cowardice reaction... You most certainly didn't inherit your strength from your mommy me. They are all mistaken. You were born special and unique, with a level of wisdom and strength many of us may never even know... I love you my child. I miss you baby.

The day you left, you had spend the whole day calling out for me "mama... mama... mama..." and wanting to hold my hands in yours the entire day. Regrettably, I had to let go of your hands ever so often when I had to run to the toilet, when I had to prepare your medication, when I had to eat... They are now forever a memory etched in my brain... That day, you even spread your arms around my neck many times, hugging me as 'tightly' as your frail body allowed... I didn't know... I didn't know those would be the last time you would be hugging me...

Even though I was the one who begged the heavens to give you your wings, it still didn't register... That thursday, Auntie Aishah and Auntie Lilis ace to change your morphine/Ketamine around 4pm and it was also around that time when we were all fussing over your bleeding mouth that I first saw the huge tumor growing on the inside of your left cheek... I just broke down uncontrollably and completely... I just couldn't control my pain and heartache anymore... It really was too much to bear... Most days, you looked like you were doped out and somewhat staring into space but every now and then, you would say a word that's totally coherent and rational like "sheesh sheesh" and it would make me wonder if you were even doped in the first place...

That day when you saw me crying like that, you raised your hands gently and put them on my tears streaked face, wiping off my tears... Oh honey... I remember apologizing for crying again and I told you through my sobs that I am so sorry for so selfishly begging you to hang in there, to breathe and to live for me... That I am ready which is obviously a big fat lie. How can your mommy me ever be ready to be without you? Never honey. It's been more then 2 weeks since anyone had seen your smile... Your charming cheeky lovely smiles... You held on, hang in there for more then 2 weeks to hear your mama say that she is ready... I am so sorry I took such a long time, I really feel so useless... I know I know... You must be saying "NOO! You are the best. And you are my best mama!" I truly hear you sweetheart, thank you. :-)

That morning, I also was so shocked to discover the bedsore that had developed on your frail body... It was so deep and I was so sure I didn't see it 2 days ago... The bedsore, the tumor in your mouth, the non-stop bleeding... Everything just screamed at me that I am causing my own child to suffer... Suffer horrifically... And yet you didn't even make a sound... Nothing... Baby... You were so amazing, I bet you didn't even know how amazing you had always been...

I called Dr Aung to inform her of your bleeding mouth... Your tumor and as usual, we arranged to bring you into KK for another transfusion... But for that few hours, I had procrastinated. Usually, I would have already prepared our bags, called for an ambulance but I didn't... I didnt know why... Not sure if I was just plain exhausted from the day's crying and horrific discoveries... But I just kind of stalled for time... I didn't even arrange for the ambulance... I didn't go shower...

Finally around evening time, I think maybe 6 or 7pm, you suddenly said "Hospital". I had told you that we were going KK for another transfusion to help you stop the bleeding and make you feel better but you had never once asked to go... You mentioning that night just made everything more significant. It's as though you once again knew I was having a dilemma and needed help to make a decision... I can't say that I had a hunch you were leaving but oddly, I kept wondering if you wanted to stay at home instead. At the back of my mind, I even made up the contingency plan to call Dr Aung should we somehow decide not to go KK.

But once again, like magic, you saved me once more. I asked if you wanted to go KK and you nodded your head...

I said OK and called for the ambulance to arrive at 8pm which they did. Somehow, that night, Jase requested to go with us to KK and stay overnight. I said ok.

In the ambulance ride, I noticed you tearing... Were you trying to say goodbye to mama? Your silly mama saw the tears but didn't register. Maybe I did but was in a numb state...

We arrived at KK (the time was slightly past 9pm) but we didn't manage to get our usual bed, we got Bed 17 instead... The bed we stayed in for a long time... The memories came rushing back... You doing your painting while laying down bedridden... You doing your homework while in pain...

You were still bleeding in your mouth... Your lips looked red and dry... I was just plain exhausted from all the crying, could barely keep my swollen eyes open... You asked for "lemony"once more, took a sip but could barely keep any in...

You kept touching your lower lip and pulling it. I didn't know why. You didn't wear your BIPAP mask...

Past 11pm, I looked at you after you made a sound... Your lips went pale white. Your eyes rolled up... I instinctly knew that you leaving us soon. I pressed the alarm for Shao Yang jie jie and she came. I told her something's not right... She rushed to get the doctor... I told you to wait for gong gong, por por and gu gu to come... I kept touching you and called home... Told them to rush down and I kept trying to wake Kor Kor who was sleeping soundly besides us to wake up... Finally the doctor helped me to carry Kor Kor onto our bed... He kept crying non stop... Tears flowed down my cheeks but I didn't sob uncontrollably because I kept reminding myself that I had to be rock solid so that Jase didn't freak out...

Like the sweet child you had always been, your eyeballs rowed back down, as if quietly agreeing to wait... They rushed down in time... And you left @ 0022 hours 21st October 2011 peacefully... Without any struggles...

Like Godma Jolene said, your mouth was opened because of the tumor... Your mommy tried to close them a little but they wouldn't...

Dr Aung also arrived and she asked if I wanted to carry you... I nodded my head... I carry you onto my arms fr the final time...

I talked and made silly jokes... Kor Kor was too devastated and had to carried outside...

Miraculously, after an hour or so, as you were laying in my embrace... Auntie Ainee smiled and said "She's smiling now. Do you want a picture?" I couldn't see your smile as I was carrying you so I laid you down lower on my right arm and sure enough, you were smiling that trademark smile of yours... That smile I had missed... It was a smile that belonged to Char Char, my one and only Char Char...

I LOVE YOU CHAR CHAR. I MISS YOU SO SO SO MUCH SWEETHEART.

Until we meet again...

Goodnight sweetheart.

Love,
Mommy