"Is it real?"

Friday, October 14, 2011

My little princess suddenly popped the question this afternoon...

I was caught off guard and somewhat baffled with her question. Hence, I tried to gently ask her again, she spoke through her BIPAP mask which, by all means is an incredible feat, and repeated herself, "Is this real?" pointing her index finger towards me as she spoke her muffled voice... (with the high pressure coming out from the BIPAP machine, I struggled to say even one word and yet she is able to speak a string of words, making it seem easy)

I must have still looked puzzle to her. Then she went on, this time pointing her finger towards herself, "Am I real?"

For some unexplainable reasons, I started tearing... My heart just broke... I don't know why but it just felt painful at that moment... I took her hand, stroke her head and told her, "Do you feel like you are dreaming? Maybe you are just a little sleepy... But I am real, mommy is real, Char char is real, Jase Jase is real too. We are all real, my baby girl. It's real that mommy loves you and it's real that I am your best mama in the whole wide world... Our love is real, our happiness is real, everything we shared is real. You are really by my side right now and I am really by your side right now..."

She shook her head and replied "No. Because I don't feel real."

I tried to comfort her saying "You are just tired, that's why. But don't worry, I really love you alot, alot more then you will ever know. And I know that you love us alot too. I know you really love your family alot and believe me, we really love you alot alot..." It was all I could mutter before I started tearing badly again...

She just knocked her head and still seem dazed... Probably too tired to say more...

Each day, I can see life seeping alittle bit out of her and each day I can see a new lump somewhere... Ita absolutely killing me... It's such a horrific way to fade off, no one... Not even a senior centurial deserves anything like this... it's just beyond devastating... To watch the very little one you have always loved, protected and craddled suffer like this... And there's not a single thing I can do for her... Nothing... You just go through the motion daily, watching every single haunting moment and yet, you tell yourself to look at the silver lining not too far away... That maybe our miracle is just 1 second away, 1 minute away, 1 hour away, 1 day away...

I want to embrace all of these moments... The courage, the pain, the heartache, the tears, the sadness, the happiness, the fears and the love... I want to remember everything... I am just not sure if I have the capacity to remain sane and calm while always being reminded of her suffering...

This has to be the absolute worst trial you can put a sane human being through... And yes I am supposed to come out stronger then most of you... But oh heavens, what strength is that from a heart forever broken, forever in pain, forever yearning, forever lost...

I speak like I've lost... Because it is indeed what my heart and soul feels...

Somewhere out there, my mind keeps playing like a thriller movie... That our turnabout is going to be spectacular and nothing short of an amazing miracle...

But somewhere out there, I've lost too many, simply way too many brave little young warriors to this scrupulous nasty beast called neuroblastoma...

It's not eternity that I crave for but all the experiences that we could have together... The growing up... The little promises we made...

I am not strong. I just follow the lead of my warrior princess...

At that moment when I was agonizing over whether to intubate my little char, she put out her pinky finger towards me and made me pinky swear not to intubate her again... And that's it, she made the decision for me, just like every single time, like magic, she somehow always know my heart...

I love you my dearest child.

We are fighting on, until you say it's time for you to rest...

And in the meantime, please continue to pray only for the good things.
Thank you.

Love,
Cyn mommy

10 comments:

stacey said...

I think Char tried to tell you something...to me, it was a very spiritual question. Life is more than meets the eyes. You have taught Char to be fearless, she will expect the same from you. Stay strong, just be there for her. The world is praying for you.

Little Precious said...

Like warrior Emily, 'You'll see her getting very sick before you'll see her getting better.' she will be getting better..

Little Precious said...

Like warrior Emily's story, 'You'll see her getting very sick before you'll see her getting better.'. I am sure she will get better..

clare said...

hey cynthia, i just wanted to say that you and your family have been extremely brave and amazingly strong for the past few years. i've been praying for our dear little charmaine and i believe your miracle is just around the corner, i really really really truly believe that.

cynthia, your strength has empowered so many lives in this world and i'm sure even that of charmaine's. but if you ever feel weary, tired or just need a break from the chaos of this life, i pray that you remember jesus and that you can always, always lean on him for strength- to be your hands, your legs, your everything. there is no limit to what God can do although there is always a limit to what we as humans can do. please don't lose hope and don't lose faith! god always has a way of surprising us in ways we cannot imagine.

just like job in the bible, god took everything away from him- his wealth, his family his health and every other thing he had ever possessed. but because of job's faithfulness to the lord, god blessed his life richly "the lord blessed the latter part of job's life more than the first...after this, job lived a hundred and forty years; he saw his children and their children to the fourth generation. and so he died, old and full of years". i truly believe that charmaine will grow up to be our modern day job, blessing the world with her amazing story. so please don't ever lose hope cynthia! in the mean time, i'll always be holding you and your family in prayer. hang in there guys! love and joy to you and your family!

Caroline said...

Dear Cyn Mummy,
I cant imagine how much pain you're going through. Nothing is worse than the feeling of helplessness. I wish I can take some of Charmaine's and your pain away. All I can say is.. Stay strong..

2amYH said...

Charmaine probably has went somewhere very far and came back again feeling happy that everything around her is real, and cannot believe that ithey are still real. Pray that this real feeling last forever ...

Hugh Lim said...

My wife left me and my 2 yrs old girl 4 mths ago, ovarian cancer. I guess I could understand how you’re feeling now. We were holding on to our hopes till the very last minutes but toward the end I was actually hoping my wife would end her suffering asap, it is really too painful to see her in excruciating pain. I could probably feel your pain now but please be very brave and strong and walk with her till the end, after that learn how to let go, it’s not going to be easy. You have done your very best for your girl and you are not short of a super mum, please don’t blame yourselves for not doing enough as thing happened for a reason. If you need to talk, please add me in your facebook, my hp no. is there. Take care and stay strong! Hugh Lim

Hugh Lim said...

My wife left me and my 2 yrs old girl 4 mths ago, ovarian cancer. I guess I could understand how you’re feeling now. We were holding on to our hopes till the very last minutes but toward the end I was actually hoping my wife would end her suffering asap, it is really too painful to see her in excruciating pain. I could probably feel your pain now but please be very brave and strong and walk with her till the end, after that learn how to let go, it’s not going to be easy. You have done your very best for your girl and you are not short of a super mum, please don’t blame yourselves for not doing enough as thing happened for a reason. If you need to talk, please add me in your facebook, my hp no. is there. Take care and stay strong! Hugh Lim

Grace said...

I cried so hard reading this..no one will ever understand the pain you're going through right now. I pray that you will find peace.

Luk1:37 said...

Hi Cynthia,
Just want to let you know Char is in my prayer everyday! Praying for healing and deliverance! Stay strong, have faith always and lean on Jesus!

 
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