THANK YOU ANGELS, We raised half a million for Charmaine!

I received a message from Jolene yesterday morning, ‘We have raised that half a million and we can start preparing to send Charmaine over!’

Thank you for giving us a chance at living…
I am very touched.
I want to say a heartfelt THANK YOU to each one of you who have made it possible for my feisty little one.

THANK YOU for your kindness, thank you for your help, thank you for your time and effort, thank you for the fundraisers, thank you for the encouragement and thank you for walking this journey with me.

This additional 20% - 40% chance of survival would never have been possible for Charmaine, without you.
You have given not only my Charmaine a chance at living…
You have provided a chance for Jase to continue to play and fight with his mei mei…
You have also given me a chance to be with the 2 kids that I so love and need…
Most importantly, YOU have granted my family a chance to be the family that we have always been…

THANK YOU.

The Journey in New York…
I have been asked if I am mentally prepared for what I may expect in New York, especially since I am going to be facing a lot of things by myself, without the support of family and friends. My answer is “No, I am not”. I freaked out when I went on my first business trip and ended up cooping myself in the hotel for fear of getting myself lost. I am terrible at my sense of direction. I am not sure how I am going to be taking care of the 2 kids and whether I would crumble under all the stress… I am very afraid…

“Will I be able to take the news if things don’t turn out the way I wish it would be?” NOPE. I will not. I won’t lie to you and say that I am prepared for what come may and I would be able to take things in my own stride because I simply am not. I have never been prepared for such a huge challenge thrown into my life and they just come crushing down one after another… Whether I am prepared or not, things still happen… And whether I am prepared or not, I still have to do what I have to do…

I am feeling scared, overwhelmed and helpless…

I will probably cry a million times when we are there. Getting around, comforting the kids, taking care of Charmaine, making all the decisions for the treatments, cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, bills, finances, etc… However, I still have to do what I have to do.

I cannot stop moving ahead because I cant… Charmaine’s life is dependent on my decisions and time is not on my side either…

On the decision to bring Jase…
One of the major decisions I had to make was whether I should leave Jase behind. I have always been thinking about this since day one of my decision to plead publicly. I understand its better to leave Jase behind because I can than focus my attention on Charmaine and not have to worry about Jase.

When Charmaine was recovering from her surgery in KKH, neither the physiotherapist nor myself could get Charmaine to try and take a few steps. We were discharged from KKH with me worrying over how I was going to try and get Charmaine to practice walking despite the pain. The first time when she did her tumor biopsy and surgery to implant the port-a-cath into her body, she took quite some time to overcome the pain and start walking. Hence, with this major surgery, I was even more paranoid and worried. What happened next when we reached home from KKH just got me speechless. Upon reaching home, while still seated in her stroller, Jase walked up to Charmaine and held her hand and than before I know it, the 2 of them were already walking hand in hand back into the room. No support from mommy. Of course I was still very concerned that she might fall as she had not walked for 7 days and I wasn’t sure if I could trust her leg muscles to support her body weight. But Charmaine seemed to have forgotten her fears and forgotten that she hadn’t walked in days and all the pain and just walked as normally as a healthy kid. I was in tears and I knew that I had to bring Jase along. Everyday while in NUH receiving her chemo, one of the things Charmaine looks forward to is her Kor Kor’s daily visits at night. Her smile and her eyes glowed with such happiness that it would be too cruel of me to deprive her of if I left Jase behind. I know it would be tougher with 2 kids in toll but once again, I prefer to look at the help that Jase would provide me with. As much as I try to hold my spirits up high and play with Charmaine, there is always a tinge of sadness behind my laughter and I no longer could play like how we used to play together. The kids are different. They do not share my worries and fears and they play and fight just like the way that they have been doing for years… I need Jase to keep the spirits up for Charmaine…

Most importantly, if anything should happen... I cant bear the thought of Jase being apart from his mei mei and I need Jase with me too...

Other Updates…
I still have other updates on how the discussion with Dr Aung turned out on Tuesday. In short, the decision is still to send Charmaine over as soon as she recovers from this chemo as any delay would give the cancer cells in her bone marrow to spread…

I am going to be busy taking care of Charmaine for the next week, while also trying to sort out the logistics for New York… Please kindly bear with me and the rest of the feisty team if we are slow with updates…

As expected, this is the combination of chemo drugs that will cause her to be in quite a fair bit of discomfort. Since our discharge yesterday afternoon, Charmaine has been vomiting a handful of times at home… Basically, everything she ate, she vomited… She is still hungry but the body doesn’t allow her to keep the food… She has also been complaining of a tummy pain which I suspect is nausea as she doesn’t know how to differentiate… Spirits wise, our little feisty princess is still doing her best to stay the way she is… despite the nausea, despite the tummy pain…

Please allow me to keep this a short one as I need to get moving again.

I want to say a THANK YOU to all the angels… THANK YOU!

May every one of you be blessed with good health and happiness…

Love,
Cyn mommy